Knowing - jikook au

Filler.

Filler. Everybody has a filler relationship. Either you're being used as a filler, or somebody's using you as a filler - something to fill the space in your heart, or the time until you found somebody better. In Jimin's case, it was both.

It was the painful grip around his hips, that would leave fingerprint dots on his soft skin. It was the hand clasped around his wrist, tugging him towards a regret. It was the lips pressing to his own, thin and dry in comparison. It was the degrading comments hanging in the air, which hit him full-force when they fell. It was everything Junho was, and everything Jungkook wasn't. It was Jimin's greatest mistake, the one he couldn't stop making

Junho fell to the bed beside Jimin, panting like a dog, letting his alcohol-enthused breath invade Jimin's sense of smell. The latter grimaced and turned to the side, regret already setting in as he sat up, ready to hastily exit the apartment and go back to his own to take a much-needed shower. A hand reached out and grasped his wrist, making him hiss as it pressed into the bruises already there. "Where are you going?"

"Home," Jimin replied to the unhappy voice, trying to pull his wrist away from Junho's grasp, and failing.

"Stay here baby boy. That way we can go for another round in the morning when we wake."

"Don't call me that," Demanded Jimin, refusing to turn around to face the man. This happened every time, and he expected it to happen every time, and he hated that it happened every time, but it didn't stop him from going back. Humans accept the love they think they deserve, and Jimin was no different. When he wanted to forget himself and find something to fill in the space between then and death, Jimin would end up at the bar he knew Junho would be in, because he knew that as soon as he was spotted, he would throw himself away in reckless abandon, and be in Junho's control for the night. He knew that he'd regret it afterwards, but he'd give anything to forget about the darkness. Anything. Including the last of his dignity. But it didn't matter - at that point, Jimin was worth next to nothing. He was an inconvenience. He was an annoying papercut, that got blood on the crisp paper and ruined the purity of the white with a thick, permanent red.

"Would you prefer whore? Come on, lie back down." And Jimin hated himself, because he did. He scooted backwards and fell down onto his side, his back still facing Junho, who took that as an invite to spoon him. Jimin grimaced as he felt himself being pulled back into a sweaty chest, trying to ignore Junho's leg which slung over his. God, what a mess he put himself into. The first time he'd slept with Junho, he was on the verge of self-destruction, and had agreed to go with the latter because he knew that if he was left alone, he would do something bad, something he'd regret (if the dead could regret). That was about two months after he worked out he wasn't going to die. Back then, he still didn't want to die. It was different now. Now, he could throw himself away because he didn't care what happened to him, and Junho was always the one who found him and played with him for a while before dropping him back in the gutter.

Jimin didn't sleep that night. He felt too horrible to sleep, but it hurt to be awake and think of the pain that tortured him on a daily basis. Pain he'd caused himself. Pain he'd put Jungkook through. Unnecessary pain. It angered him to think about it, it angered him to a point where he would cry and tug on his hair as he screwed his eyes shut and let out screams which told a story of agony and regret. Other people were lucky; they had demons to face. Jimin, Jimin only had himself to face, and all of the bad decisions he'd forced his heart to make. Knowing that his life had fallen apart under his control was the thing that hurt the most.

"Jin, you smell like a men's locker room," Yoongi stated, dryly, as he stopped Jimin outside of his apartment. "And that means that you've been with Junho again, and that means you've broken our promise." Jimin didn't reply to the comments, instead staring at his door, over Yoongi's shoulder. He had blocked the younger from getting into his apartment when he'd caught him returning back home after his night of shame.