Knowing - jikook au

KOOKIE,

'KOOKIE,

I'm sorry, because the fact that you're reading this letter means we won't ever be seeing each other again.

I've wondered a lot about how to do this. I couldn't bring myself to leave without saying goodbye, because you don't deserve that. I couldn't bring myself to lie to you and make up some story about how I never really loved you, mainly because of my own selfish desire to not be despised by the one person I'm closest to. I couldn't bring myself to explain everything to you, because then you'd throw yourself into the darkness of my future just so I wasn't alone.
That's left me with a final option - a letter, left in the middle of the night, neither explaining why I'm gone nor leaving confusion about what's going to happen - in terms of us, at least.

I'm sorry that I can't write a better apology. I guess it says a lot about me. It says that I'm a disappointment, somebody who could never live up to expectation and isn't worthy of you. I'm sorry that I won't ever get the chance to make you proud, to become worthy, like I had planned. That's the only reason why I let myself have you, even if it was for a short time - because I planned to be somebody you could be proud of, somebody you could fall in love with. Look how well that turned out.

I want you to understand something - you were a highlight of my life. Please be aware that I am not leaving you with the intention of finding somebody else. I liked you for a while before we finally kissed the other day, and actually being in your arms felt like a dream. It's more like a nightmare now, because I have to leave you. And it hurts so much Kookie, because despite what you might be thinking right now, you have been the only thing I've wanted since we first danced together, and when I finally had you... I had to let go.
I guess the simplest way I can explain the reason I'm hurting you like this is that if I stayed with you, you'd face a pain far greater than the one you're feeling now, and I can't put you through that. I can't. I won't.

It's not easy to leave you. Please don't think I'm being selfish, because this is ripping me apart. Please don't think I ever wanted to do this, because I wanted to stay in your arms forever. Please don't think I'm writing this without tears rolling down my cheeks and my heart cracking with each word, because I am. It hurts. It hurts so damn much and I hate myself for doing this but I'd hate myself more if I didn't. And if your heart wasn't on the line, I would be too much of a coward to ever slip away from you. You make me feel safe and loved, and leaving that feeling is terrifying, so incredibly, overwhelmingly terrifying, but necessary.

So what happens now? I cannot say what waits ahead for me, because not even I know at this point. The future is filled with uncertainty and darkness.
But, I know what path you will take - and you will take it, because if you dare come after me Kookie I swear I won't be able to push you away, and if I can't push you away it's only going to cause more pain for the both of us.
I'm leaving you to start your path alone, with my heart in your hand. Don't worry; where I'm going, I won't need it. You can throw it away. If you don't want to, then put it in a box and place it on your shelf, just as a painful memory for a rainy day, and then when you find somebody worthy of holding your heart in their hand, you can take theirs in turn and let mine gather dust. Neither of us will need it. I don't mind what you choose to do with it, because it's already broken, but there is one thing you can't do - don't hold it close to you in the hopes of fixing the crack. It cannot be fixed. You have to let it go. You have to let me go, just as I've let you go.
I wish I could say I was taking your heart with me, Kookie, but I can't... I don't want it to get crushed on the way, and you're going to need it further along your path. 

I know you feel abandoned, and I know it hurts. It fucking hurts. But please, understand that I wouldn't leave you without reason, and I wouldn't leave you with nothing but a couple of cracked hearts.
That's why I'm dropping a letter and a sum of money in with the landlady, which will pay for this apartment for three months, starting on the 5th of next month. I have explained that I'm going away, and leaving you in charge of the remainder of my belongings. I'm not sure she's going to be too happy that I've randomly handed my apartment over to somebody who doesn't hold the contract, but she knows you, and I've explained enough that I'm sure she won't mind.
I want you to stay in the apartment, Kookie. It, now void of me, should be filled with you. I know that you can win the competition you have soon, and the high amount of prize money you'll earn should cover you for a while, regardless of the other competitions you're bound to enter. Even if you don't manage to get enough to keep my apartment, or if you don't want to keep it, three months should be enough time for you to sort out somewhere else to live. If you honestly don't think you can stay in my apartment, then please ask my landlady for the money I supplied her with to go towards a different apartment. I don't want you in that shitty one-room box you stay in anymore. You deserve better. 

Now, I have a few favours to ask:
- Keep dancing
- Win an international championship competition, just like in our dreams
- Find somebody worthy of you
- Have a family
- Stay happy and healthy
And finally...
- Don't ever let me see your face again, unless it's on the cover of Dance Weekly or a Dance TV show.

I don't expect you to understand, or to forgive me, and I have no right to, but please try. I don't want to go down my path with your hate on my shoulders... I don't think I could bare the weight.

Yours sincerely, for all eternity,

Jiminie'