Knowing - jikook au

Reflect.

Reflect. On the train from Seoul to Busan, Jungkook had a lot of time to reflect.

Jungkook's heart pounded, pushing and stumbling through the crowd at Busan station with a desperate urgency. He ignored the snide comments that were made in his head, laughing at him for being weak, for going against the conclusion he had reached when talking to Taehyung. After all, mere seconds before his mum phoned telling him that Jimin was in their house, he'd been refusing to go after Jimin whilst on the phone to the blogger.
He was a hypocrite of sorts, because he was running back to Busan, to home, to Jimin, after telling Taehyung that they shouldn't do it.

The train ride felt like it took three days, not three hours. It was filled with nervous anticipation, released by a bouncing leg and a huff of air pushed past lips. People threw him suspicious side glances and changed seats to sit further away from him, his impatience and urgency fueling their discomfort. When he eventually did calm down enough to sit still, he stared at the window, at his reflection, and reflected on Jimin.

Two years before, Jungkook had been breaking down over the thought of never seeing Jimin again and now, now he was freaking out over the thought of seeing Jimin in less than three hours. It hadn't sunk in yet, but Jungkook didn't suppose it would. Wrapping his brain around the fact that he was going to see his ex-love after finally accepting that he was never going to see Jimin again... it was difficult, one of the most difficult things he had ever had to face. It was going to be emotional, it was going to be difficult, both would struggle to handle it. He wasn't just going to turn up, take Jimin into his arms and fall in love all over again. They weren't going to fall asleep tonight exactly in the same social place they had been two years ago. Whatever was going to happen between them, it was going to take time, especially for Jimin. On reflection, the amount of things Jungkook has faced seemed like a mouse compared to the demons of Jimin's past, Jungkook could not expect him to take this well. The fact that Jimin had even shown interest in wanting Jungkook back in his life... that was an amazing feat in itself.

Jimin. Jimin was swirling inside Jungkook's head, taking over every sense and every nerve until he was drowning in the memories of Jimin. How many times had he been focused on Jimin in the past month? How many times had he cried about Jimin in the past month? How many times had he dreamed about Jimin in the past month? He knew one thing, all of them put together didn't compare to the amount of times he cursed himself for sleeping as Jimin slipped away. If he'd just woken up, seen Jimin, talked to him... he's sure Jimin would have explained, and he could have convinced him to stay. Leaving was obviously breaking point for Jimin, the point where he couldn't handle it anymore, had to do something... either leave, or tell Jungkook. And he left. Just like that. 

That was a repetitive thought, a thought Jungkook had faced so many times it was starting to feel like one of those songs that everybody knew the words to and didn't even know who the band singing it were. What part of Jungkook kept bringing this thought up? His hesitancy to see Jimin again? His hurt at being abandoned? His anger at himself for letting himself be abandoned? He didn't know, he didn't care. It was a boring thought.

Delving deep into the mirror in his mind, he tried to find new different memories to reflect on, things that made him smile that he hadn't thought about for a while. Like the way Jimin made Jungkook put lights on downstairs when they were alone in his childhood bedroom and it got dark outside, before they went to bed, because he was paranoid about intruders. Or the quiet squeak that sounded when he laughed. Or Jimin's tendency to demand that he and Jungkook watch a film, only to fall asleep mid-way through.

He didn't think he could remember a time when he had felt strong, negative emotions around Jimin. Sure, they'd had fights before like any normal people, in romantic or non-romantic relationships, but they were always quick to resolve them. He hated that now, hearing Jimin's name felt like a knife being stabbed through his gut, and the thought of possibly feeling the same feeling on a wider scale when he finally did see Jimin again... it filled him with dread.