Connected || Be More Chill / Dear Evan Hansen || COMPLETED

Chapter 13: Will I ever make a sound?

TW: ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, mention abuse and the is whole chapter is really dark so Yah

IM SORRY FORGIVE ME

Jared's POV
I walked into the house and closed the door. Hot tears stained my face.

My phone buzzed and I dug it out or my pocket and I looked at it.

Sent at 4:00 pm>>
Your father and I had to work late. Going to be home early tomorrow Don't stay up all night like last time.  Also clean up the house. It's a mess. We are out of a lot of stuff so just see what we have to eat.

I sighed and walked up the stairs into my room and closed the door. I leaned on it sliding down and let held my tears roll down. I moved my feet up to my chest and buried my face in my hands.

I felt my phone keep buzzing in my pocket. I pulled it out and threw it away from me, shaking.

I stood up shaking and walked to my bed. I layed in bed and stared at the ceiling and rolled my sleeves up. I lifted my arms at looked at  bruises and old cuts from last year. There wasn't a lot.

Probably 20 in total. Hardly visible except for two and those weren't even cuts.  Just from a stunt dumb trick I tried to do with my bike in eight grade .. No one has ever seen the cuts.  No one knows what I hide.  Even before Evans squip..They never see my cry. No one saw or would think that the insanely cool Jared Kleinman would hurt himself. Some of them was because of evan. Last year. Everytime I thought of him more than a friend...but connor likes him now....

He spent so much time with him after his attempt and the you will be found project and somedays he didn't talk to me all day like I didn't exist. I know it's a dumb reason. But the rest were for other reasons..

I signed and got up. I walked in the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My hair was a mess, my face was red, my eyes were puffy and red. My glasses were still cracked. I had ache all in my face I was ugly. No wonder Evan snapped. Why would he want to be my friend? Why would anyone?

He hated me. Everyone does. Tears were swelling up.  I opened the sink cabinet and pulled out a old razor looking at it. I smashed it on the sink until the blade of it came off and I picked up the blade looking at it.

I am really going to do this?  Cons... Connor and Michael might miss me. 

Pros. everything else.

I'm doing it.

I sliced my skin with the blade. Three times. shallow at first. Then I went over the cuts again. Each time slightly harder. Frustrated I couldn't feel anything. Why?

Stupid

Deeper cut

Piece of trash

Deeper cut

Worthless

I was feeling light headed. But I didn't stop.

I made a new cut on my other arm. This one was deep. I bit my tongue the pain was seeping in. I felt my legs being to shake and my vision was getting blurry.

No one will notice if you die you're worthless.

I heard ringing and my vison was fading. I felt hot liquid on both arms drip down to the ground.

"Jared!"

My knees buckedled and I fell to to the ground but someone catched me before I hit it. Then I was laying on someone. Arms wrapped around me. I was struggling to get out. But they held me down more.

Voices echoed all around me but I could barely hear them. All I heard was ringing.  My vision was blurring and fading. I stopped struggling. This person kept holding me down.

I felt pressure on both arms as my vision was slowly coming back.

"It ok, it ok, it's ok Jared, we got you"

I wasn't sure who said that,  my ears were still ringing.

I looked down at my shaky arms. Towls placed on them. There was small amounts of blood seeping through them.

  I choked on tears as I saw Michael and Connor were here. Michael was putting pressure on my arms frantically As I was laying on Connor

"It's ok Jared. Your ok now..."

Michael stood up and Connor moved his hands to the towl putting pressure.

A few seconds later I saw Michael sit down with bandges and a damp towl.

I watched as they cleaned the cuts and them wrapped the cloth around my forams tighty

Once they finished I started tear up trying not to cry.

Michael scooted closer and hugged me and Connor hugged me from the back.

"You can let it out jared."

I shook my head and let a few tears slip down

"Jared why didnt you say anything?"

"Everyone thinks I'm the cool one.. I The happy one.. But I'm not. I practiced talking to myself in mirror so I won't mess up infornt of people everyday. I practice my walk everyday.  I-I lied about having 'camp friends'. Hell, I was bullied all through middle school until I met evan. I am terrified in what people say about me. I hide my feelings behind jokes. No one notices so I keep doing it..."

"Im so sorry Jared.....cmon, wanna rest on your bed?" Michael asked

I nodded as they helped me up and led me to my bed and propped pillows up and lened me on it.  Then Connor and Jared sat on both sides of me.

"Why did you start..?"

I sighed. "I don't want to talk about it... But I was clean for a year.. Until now. Why did you come here though?

"I heard what happened. With you and Evan.."

My body tensed up.

"H.. How much did you hear?" 

"All of it."

"Oh."

"Michael told me what happened. Is what he said true? What Evan said? About your dad?" Connor asked  worried.

I paused for a moment closing my eyes and nodded slowly.

I noticed Connor and Michael looked at each other with heart broken eyes.

"You didn't step on your glasses or got sick did you?"

I shook my head. "No.. "

"Those bruises on your arm.."

"Day ago and not just on my arm.."

"How long.. For your parents were you hiding it..?"

"No. no no. You are staying with us Jared. My parents would be totally fine with it. They hate me,  but would do anything for my friends"

"Or me as well." Michael said

Last year me and Connor hated each other. And with Evan we grew closer to together. It was still newish to me for Connor to call me a friend. Even after how much I was a jerk to them.

Michael nodded. "They are not going to hurt you anymore...We are going to help."

That's when I completely lost it. I started sobbing. I felt connor and Michael hug me tightly. "Breathe..its ok, it's ok," Connor said softly

A few minutes later after hugging and crying Michael pulled back

He looked at his phone and his eyes widen "its Jeremy, something is wrong.."

I rubbed my red eyes and looked at Michael confused "What?"

"Something is wrong with jeremy. We need to go now" Michael said again.