That Was Then, This Is Now

Part 5

That was probably my favourite tour I ever went on. The Band back then was perfect, the team I had around me was motivating but they didn't blow smoke up my ass, and Faith. Faith. God what I would give to go back on tour with Faith. I mean sure she was technically just opening for me but even back then she was the star of the show. We wrapped touring and Faith and I basically moved in together straight away. I had a penthouse apartment in Nashville and it was definitely big enough for the both of us. Every night we would lay in bed looking out at the city lights and made plans for a big farm house in the country. I still want that I guess. But I wanted it with Faith. To do it without her would be wrong. Not the same. I miss her. I miss how she made coffee. I miss how she would wear my shirts to bed. I miss her singing around the house. I miss making her chicken and dumplings.
We were perfect. I mean not perfect but we were fine. We loved each other and I should've been enough. But when you're both touring the world, in different countries every other day, barely together it seems silly and naïve to think that it's enough. And to me Faith deserved more. Her career was just taking off and I couldn't have asked her to stop it for me. She could've asked me to. I would've if she had. But she didn't. So each time a month went by without actually being together we both crumbled. Sometimes the first few days back together it was like I was with a stranger. Neither of us deserved that. About 2 years after the Spontaneous Combustion tour in a last ditch attempt to do something we bought a house. Not the big farm house we always dreamed of, just something more homely. But in the back of my mind I guess I knew that it wasn't going to be enough so I kept my apartment. There will never be a doubt in my mind, Faith is my soulmate. I just don't think I'm hers. I think she needs someone different, stronger than me. Better than me. It was maybe 4 months after we my bed into the new house. Faith had just finished her first full in World Tour and I was on a break from my North American leg of the tour. We were both exhausted emotionally and physically. She looked at me right in the eyes and started to cry. I knew what was coming. We both did. I just held her tightly and said "I love you." Over and over again. We cried. A lot. Then we made love for the last time in that new house. As she lay on the bed telling me a story about how as a little girl she dreamed that her real mom and dad had a house just like this one while I packed my bag for the tour, and well forever. Wrapped in her sheet she walked me to the door. She kissed me on her tippie toes and said "please, I don't want you to go."
"I know." I told her. And then I left. What an idiot! I should've fought for her. I should've said "then I won't." I should've stayed and been the man she needed me to be. But no I went to my next concert. I felt like crap. Hell I was besides myself, so I drank a glass of whiskey, that quickly became the whole bottle.  I'm not blaming my alcoholism on faith. Lord, no. I'm blaming it on me being weak. On not living her enough. Not loving her how she deserved to be loved. After carrying on like a drunken, lonely, sad fool from r a tour Jack decided enough was enough. He booked me into the best rehab facility money could buy and I was there for 3 months. Then 4 months later I was back for 6months. I know Faith knows I was there, hell  the whole world found out, but she never reached out. Maybe she want allowed to. Maybe she thought it was her fault. And I'm glad she didn't really. I didn't want to drag her down with me. She would've taken time off for me, she would've been there and she didn't need that. My second stint in rehab actually worked. Half a year of focussing on your self and all your daddy issues will do that. It's made a better person I'm sure. I'm sober, I'm more hard working and I think I'm a better friend. Which is something my friends have come to take full advantage of. It's been 6 years now since spontaneous combustion, and almost 4 years since I last saw Faith. I mean really saw her, I see her at events all the time but it's not the same. She wears Chanel number 5 on the red carpet. It tickles my nose when I hug her. I always preferred Chloe on her. She got back together with her ex as well. Good for her.
According to the tabloids I'm a man about town. It's all false. I go out with my friends and the girls swarm because I'm rich. And I let them stay because I'm bored. Never to long though. I'm not detached or whatever, I just feel very little connection to anyone who isn't Faith. Tonight I'm out partying with a few friends, and we've just finished at one club and are heading to another. I thought that you couldn't party without alcohol, it was always a social lubricant but now I'm used to it. As we walk down Nashvilles main drag us group of guys start walking in the direction that a group of girls are walking from. Right as we walk up to them I see her. Stunning. She looks happy, but there's a twinge in her eye that means I can see she hasn't slept in a couple of days. I try to duck my head so she doesn't see me. We get right past them without her noticing me when suddenly someone yanks my shoulder back.
"Tim? Is that you?" She says slurring her words. She's drunk.
"Faith! Hi, yeah long time no see." I say trying not to be awkward but failing. As we do this our to groups start mingling.
"Wow! You've got big muscles now!" Se says squeezing my bicep.
"Umm...." I'm not sure what an appropriate response is. Suddenly she bends over across the curb and throws up. I hold her hair back but her friends are all equally drunk and don't take much notice. I help her get back up and put my jacket around her.
"I'm so sorry Tim." She says holding onto me. "You always were my hero." She definitely needs to get home. I tell her friends that I'll drive her if they still want to go clubbing with my friends and they are more tan happy for me to take her off their hands. I walk her to my truck.
"Where am I taking you?" I ask as I help her get buckled in.
"Our house is fine."