Yes...Another Rant Book (OLD discontinued)

Bugs

These evil little creatures are spawns from hell, let me tell you! So I'm sitting at my desk on the computer (as usual) minding my own business when suddenly I feel this little itch on my arm. I figured it was a piece of hair or something right? Nope. Some tiny asshole spider decided it would run across my arm and scare the living shit out of me. I probably looked like a giant idiot, flailing my arm around and slapping it like a seal just because of some goddamn spider. Those things suck. All bugs suck! Except ladybugs. They're cool.

Seriously, these stupid bugs need to get eaten by a bird or something. Why would they want to come in my house? I mean, they can't be very smart, being so tiny. Imagine the size of their brains. But still, don't they have friends or something? Do they not notice that any bug who comes into my house dies? Then to top the cake, they strut about like they own the place. They're just strolling along across the floor in plain sight, all casual. Yeah because I'll just be like "oh look, a disgusting-ass cockroach trotting across the floor. I'll just leave it alone so it could crawl on my face in the middle of the night!" No way in hell! I see a cockroach, it dies! Well...I see a cockroach, I scream for my dad, then it dies. But close enough!

Then come the flies and bees. They buzz around everyone's faces and fly around because they can. Flies are just like "hey move over! I wanna land on your food and crawl all over it so you can watch and wonder which pile of shit I've landed on recently!" Really? Go the hell away flies! Not to mention you can't ever kill them. You think you have the jump on them with the flyswatter, all sneaky. Then the flies are like "nope!" and they buzz in your face.

And don't even get me started on bees. Between them and wasps, swimming's a nightmare. Seriously, do they sit around with their friends like "hey, I dare you to fly down there and scare the hell out of those humans!"? Wasps just come right down, steal your water and leave. But they don't stay gone! Then come back to steal more water while you're splashing like a lunatic trying to make it go away. Bees are even worse. They don't take water and leave. They hang around and hover like the little assholes they are. Plus, they make everyone look like a bunch of idiots. Do you know how stupid people look when they're running away from a bee? It looks really funny from a distance, but up close? No way. 

And spiders; spiders are evil! No, actually scorpions are, but more on them later. Spiders find a nice little corner and sit there staring at you like "yeah bitch, I'm in your house and you can't reach me. What the hell you gonna do about it?" Of course, they never survive against my secret weapon. The spider's sitting there triumphantly in its newly spun web, mocking me with its presence. Then I turn to face the door. 

"No, what are you doing?" says the spider.

"You forgot one important thing when you made that web!"

"No, NOOO!"

"DAD! There's a spider in my room!"

So screw them! There's always a solution. But nothing beats scorpions. Now, these guys probably grew from the devil's armpits and crawled up to Earth to wreak havoc on humanity. They wander in plain sight just like the frigging cockroaches! If you live in the hot ass desert like me, you'll see these a lot. Not to mention they look scary as hell! Have you seen these things? What with their claws and stingers with them, like little brown lobsters. No matter what size they are, they're freaky. Too small? Their venom will put you in the hospital. Too big? They could be carrying babies (plus you can see every detail). God I hate scorpions. 

You know what sucks more? The fact that I get so scared of bugs at all. I'm a million times bigger than them. Why the hell are they so scary? One little spider and suddenly I'm hanging from the ceiling by my fan screaming for my dad. It's so stupid! Bugs really suck!