(Old/Cancelled) Oneshots!

Weird Carp

So, here I was, thinking repeatedly about the phrase "weird crap", when suddenly, I accidentally saw it as "weird carp". So I decided to make a story out of it... this has been in the drafts for months.... the fuck am I doing with my life?

50 something years in the future, an elderly man sat on a chair, eager to tell a story from his past to his grandsons.

"Kids, let me tell you a story about a weird carp that I had a conversation with when I was in my my mid 30's... just before I got my psychoneurotic disorders. So-"

"Wait grandpa, is this about a weird 'carp' or a weird 'crap'?"

"XxPussyPuncherxX, my favorite curious grandson, just because I have dyslexia, doesn't mean that I cannot, for the love of all saints, fucking say words properly. "

"Aww shucks, sorry grandpa."

"Now, as I was saying. So, I was in this weird part of a weird forest, right? It was a really weird forest; green trees, weird birds and insects everywhere, and other whatnot, unlike the artificial colorful forests we have now-"

"But grandpa, trees are still green and the forest creatures are still the same."

"Shush your dirty shithole, GARY. What a stupid name. Pshhh, 'Gary'. Shut up. You're my least favorite."

"Aww, shucks... wait, what?"

"Now, as I was SAYING, there was this really weird part of the forest with a really weird pond of some sort-"

"Grandpa, if I may interject."Grandpa put his palm near the boy's face, almost touching it.

"I am this close to losing my shit, but since you asked very nicely, I shall entertain you, Lord Of The Thunder Rage. Go on."

"Umm.. could you please use other adjectives other than 'weird'?"

"Umm.. could you please stop being a pretentious brat? Sheesh, Your parents spent their good money on your education and look at what you've become, a kind and intelligent kid... wait, isn't that actually good? Anyway, as I was saying, there was this weird pond right? Where the carp is supposed to be? Of course, I didn't know back then that there was a carp there, but that's obviously where fishes such as a carp should be, right?" The children nodded in interest.

"Well, I saw the carp BETWEEN the pond. He wasn't wet. So I thought: 'Weird, how is that carp even BETWEEN a body of water. It makes no sense!'" The children nodded in agreement.

"So I talked to this carp, and I said 'Hey carp, did you know that you're in BETWEEN the pond?' and it said 'What, that doesn't sound plausible. I don't think that's possible. You have to be in the space that atoms have between each other or something, right? And I'm astronomically too large to fit in that said space!' So, I replied 'Well, you're a fedora-wearing talking fish, I think your very existence is not plausible.' Then it replied, 'And you're a 40 something old man who's talking to that very same fish.' And I was like 'What?? I'm not 40! Do I look like I'm 40?' It was a really weird day..."

He said as he realized that he was in a dimly lit apartment alone, with only 3 dolls in front of him as company.

"Well... an old man has to make do, right?" He smiled sweetly at his dol- granchildren.

"What's this?" He felt something wet on his eyes, he wiped it off, but it doesn't seem to stop. The more he wiped the wet stuff that's coming out of his eyes, the more it's gushing out.

"Grandpa?" Gary called. He stopped wiping and looked at the ugly doll at the middle of the doll with glasses and the doll with cool hair, his eyes were red and tired, a mysterious liquid still seeping from it.

"Gary..." He hugged the three of his grandchildren, his world lighting up one last time before it descended to eternal darkness.

lol he ded, boi