Wanderer

20 - Give You Up

Elwing

I can’t believe it. I can’t believe this. I can’t believe Ëarendil is doing this to me.

And yet I can. I have been dreading this and yet anticipating it at the same time. I have been waiting for this moment to happen, knowing, and wishing at the same time that Ëarendil was never to leave me like this.

 He really believes that he isn’t going to return. I saw it there in his eyes as he spoke.

I can’t come to grips with the fact that it is going to end like this. I have been reduced to a weeping wreck. Stifling sobs are killing me, because I can’t let that thriceaccursed wain-wright hear me. I cry uncontrollably before gaining myself. I think about Ëarendil leaving and then I burst out afresh.

 I am little more than a passive victim now. The decision has been made, it’s done, and it’s over. My sobs will not change anything.

 Ëarendil knock on my door, but I make no move to unlock it. I can’t face him, my feelings roiling between hate and misery and gut-wrenching pain. Within an hour, a note slips underneath my door.

Please, please read.

What can I say in return? It can’t hurt, and maybe he’s decided not to leave. I unfold it carefully.

Dearest Elwing,

 I am so, so sorry that I am causing you so much pain. It’s my fault. I should have told you right away, but it’s about time you knew that you married a coward. If I knew that not marrying you would have saved you this agony in the long run, I wouldn’t have married you either.

I have to go through with this, Elwing. I said it before, and it’s true. Without this mission, we are all doomed. I have no other choice. Either Erenion arrests me for treason and failure to comply with his orders, or the Dark One kills us all, or I go through with my voyage. That’s it. There are no more options.

I wish to Eru, if he exists and to every single one of the Valar that I could suffer your pain right now as well as my own. I wish to see you happy above all else, and seeing how my happiness fueled yours gave me so much joy. If there is anything at all that I can do for you, I want nothing more than for you to tell me.

I am going to make a promise to you now. I am going to come back. I swear before Eru that I will find a way to come back to you. Originally, I was going to take up residence in the Valinor, but I swear I will come back to you.

Alaytar is willing to escort you to the Capitol as soon as you are ready. I may not speak with you until I come back again. I want you to know that I love you infinitely, more than Elrond, more than Frond, more than Vairë and more than the sea. I would sail to the end of the world for you, and Eru willing, I have a chance to demonstrate that. You are my joy, Elwing, and I have loved you ever since I first saw you.

Your loving husband,

 Ëarendil the Tall

 Elen sila lumnen omentielvo.

I am crying again by the end of the letter. Ëarendil is so sincere that I want to believe him so badly. But I just know that if he really cared, he wouldn’t have let Erenion send him in the first place. I refuse to accept this. I crawl back into bed, the letter tight in my hands, and fall asleep at last.