SHINee Imagines [EDITING]

Letter #2 to Jonghyun

A couple days ago I consciously decided that on the 18th of every month I will write a letter to Jjong as a way of paying my respect to jjong and emptying out my feelings

This letter was inspired by my cousin jjs_bts97 because she wanted me to mention the specific story of how I became a shawol, so read down below to find out that sad story. My cousin wrote a beautiful letter to jjong as well in a current fanfic she's working on. Please give it a quick read, I'd appreciate it!

Here's the letter for this month

~~~

[March 18, 2018]

Dear Jonghyun,

Today marks 3 months of your absence. Not just me, but every single shawol really misses you, a lot. I have come across a few shawols who are now feeling and doing better which genuinely makes me happy for their recovery, but there are some, including me, who are still wrapped in the heat of this trauma.

Ive realized a couple of days ago that I'm constantly living in denial. I keep on watching your videos and thinking that you're actually here, but when reality slaps me hard it literally breaks me. I don't know how long I'm going to live in denial but I do know that I'll be living like this for some more time. Some days I like living in denial, other days I prefer not to live in denial cause later it hurts so much when I'm brought face to face with reality

Since the past couple of days I couldn't help but cry every day because I missed you a lot jjong. Wanna know what the worst part was? I couldn't even cry properly cause I felt so.. numb.... I literally couldn't empty myself of the pain I've been feeling, I don't know why. Today I woke up feeling sad and I broke down in the bathroom. I had a good cry but it hurt a lot

It still hurts so much, but I guess it's safe to say that I'm definitely doing better than before

Speaking of crying, today I want to thank you for helping me become more true to myself, jjong. At first I used to hold myself back when it came to crying and emptying myself. I used to think crying is a sign of weakness, but through you I realized that crying is a part of human nature, it's normal to cry, it's okay to cry! Now, I cry whenever I feel like crying, I do whatever needed to help cope with my problems. I have learned to stay true to myself once again and I can't thank you enough jjong, thank you...!

Can I talk to you about my story of becoming a shawol, jjong? Please don't hate me after this *covers eyes*.

So about 3-4 years ago a friend of mine got into kpop. We were best friends at that time and she would always talk to me about her new obsession with kpop. I never got annoyed nor did I get stop her from talking about kpop cause I actually found it interesting, but not to an extent where I would get into kpop myself. She would show me sooooo many videos on a daily basis which I always found cool. I remember her sending me this one music video which I actually liked, but again, I didn't like it to an extent where I'd get into kpop. Anyhoo, I liked the mv but let it slide past me.

Then, in October of 2017 my cousin talked about kpop and I somehow remembered watching that one mv which I liked. Surprisingly, out of every video my friend showed me, this mv was the only video I remembered watching... I tried a lot to explain the mv to my cousin but failed to do so. I let it slide past me once again

I fully got into kpop on the 17th of December and then the very next morning I got to know about your passing jjong. I didn't know you at all, yet your death really broke me for some reason. I never knew I'd feel this affected.

Somehow my mind wandered back to the one mv I was trying really hard to find. Then the next day on the 19th of December I finally found the mv... wanna know what it was? It was Lucifer... yes, it was your song jjong, Lucifer. Lucifer was the first ever kpop song I liked but its such a bittersweet song for me

Believe me I never hated myself more than in that moment, and I still hate myself to this day. You and SHINee came so so so close to me more than once yet I let you all slide past me like it was nothing

I never got a chance to appreciate you while you were here jjong... I'm sorry :'(

You know the video of Key dressing up in the green short dress with a wig and dancing crazily?? That video was featured on an American meme page I follow on Instagram. I remember watching the video and laughing to myself.

You know how Minho went to an embassy event with Melania Trump where the two girls started fangirling when they saw Minho? I remember reading that in the news and laughing to myself once again

These two events happened at separate times before I became a shawol and I realized just how close SHINee got to me but I was too ignorant to realize you all

I hope you don't hate me for that jjong 😔

I know it's not entirely my fault but I can't help but blame myself...

Now, the only thing I know is that I genuinely and sincerely love 5HINee since January 26th, 2018, the day I officially became a shawol, and I will continue to love and support them till the end of the line

I hope you're happy and at peace jjong. Wait for me in heaven, will you?

I have so much more that I want to say. Let's talk on the 18th of next month or when we meet

Bye Jjong ❤️