The broken bulimic

Part 2: hello doughnut!

  I am so happy, but still so empty. I feel so unsatisfied but still as if I don't need anything. It's beginning to drag me slowly down but still the high from the sugar is keeping me from nodding off.
  My mind was numbly looking at the empty packets of sugar cookies, Hershey's, and snack cakes.
"Man I was really hungry..." I say as if it will make me feel better. My stomach had had enough of this. It was huge and took so long to fill but it's okay for now.
I dress and look in the mirror, I had not touched the scale in over a month. I have to painfully turn my head away from the mirror and away from what I knew. That the scales number was going to change and not for the better.
  "So stupid," I scoff at myself. "You'd think I'd be able to control myself, I was able to just a little while ago. It's not like me. I'm different now and even though I'm eating like they want me to....it's just different."
I stare at my bed filled with crumbs of my sins and feel slightly queasy. I throw away the wrappers and brush my teeth.
Stepping out of my room, I see my father cooking of course. "Supper honey?" I shake my head "I ate," he laughs "I can tell," he opens the cabinets and reveals the empty containers and snack boxes. "Sorry..." I say and he laughs. It's all light hearted, he and the others all think I'm just recovering. They don't know anything about what I went through.
It's not a simple recovery. Not for me...It takes a specialist or some sort of helper to get me to normal because as I knew, once I change my outlook of food it will change how I eat it.
  A typical Saturday night meant staying at home and watching a whole lot of anime. I smile at Scissor fart online, (copy right thing don't want anyone being on my bad side) completely unashamed of myself covered in a blanket looking like the typical shut in, I laugh when Iirito ( kirito reference) slashes at a bad guy and laugh at his cocky attitude.
  I see my phone buzz, a message from Abby. She's actually been my only friend through this whole thing. The others didn't ever change their attitude towards me even when I was stuffing my face with chicken nuggets.
"Pig, now your eating? You think that you'll change us now? No! You still starved to look good selfish and now you over do it! You're just pathetic."
I read her message: hey, how's doughnuts sound? Tomorrow morning? I wanna talk.
I reply, slowly. I feel the tingle of anxiety when answering. The fact that this is in my hands makes me uneasy. It's so...hard. I don't want to but I feel that i need it.
I quickly reply yes, and sigh knowing that I'd given in.
Walking to the doughnut shop. I smile at its sign, it was the only beautiful thing about the greasy, heart attacking, sugar filled goodness of it.
It was a 80% discount...wow isn't the world against me? I stare around at the stereotypical cops and chubby managers from their top jobs and in the mist see Abby.
She's there with a half dozen of doughnuts. I smile and she offers me one. "Yummmy," she says biting into the filled one.
I grab a chocolate with sprinkles the colors make me feel better about eating it.
  I grab another glazed one after that keeping the conversation casual and looking at Abby praying she doesn't judge me. Hoping she doesn't count how many I eat.
Her eyes dart slowly towards the cardboard box. "You're hungry huh?" I nod slowly and shut it down.
  After talking about how her family is doing for a while and how I'm holding up we leave.
Her mother had got a new job and her father was convicted guilty to abuse around a month ago. She was constantly worried about how she would turn out but it was okay. She has a new job too, working at a convince store. It was a major start for her, along with that she's having more freedom and driving out at least twice a week for fun. Her brothers and sisters are recovering well too.
I was happy for her but sorta sick that I'd let it slip in front of her. She'd judged me. It hurt,
  From now on I'll keep it to myself. Once home I stuff snacks galore into my dresser drawer. Changing and staring gain at myself I feel very strange.
It was the oddest sensation, I was feeling a panic attack. It hit me all at once for the fist time in nearly a month. I'm going to gain weight...I will be fat again and never have friends for sure or anything.
I immediately run to the restroom. Crying my eyes out because of no sense of what I was doing. I'm overreacting so over dramatic and it's sad.
I scoff "I'm such a child, but..." I stare at the toilet. I remember a few bulimia sufferers from the help center. Does there methods really work?
If I puke this all up will I be okay? Only one way to find out.
My stomach churned at the thought of shoving a finger into my throat, gross.
But if it works and can help me control this ongoing problem maybe.....
I put the seat up and let it out. The acid stings my mouth and I don't even look I'm too disgusted by it all. I flush it all down, my tooth had cut my finger and after it was all out of my system I wash my hands and stare at myself.
  I feel a sense of comfort in how it was working. "Well here we go again..." a tear drops on my hand. I wipe it "They'll never see me cry again."