The broken bulimic

Part 15: Be honest

"Ich..." what? "Liebe " is this a message from God?! "Dich" I hear the accent loud and clear in my ear. If all things why German...
I sit up and look around, was I dreaming?
Standing I look around, there stood Nathan in the corner of the room. Of course we'd had a movie night I must of fallen asleep.
"Hey." I say and smile weakly, he smiles back slightly and sits beside me.
All the memories from earlier flood back into my head. It's been three months and I still haven't told Nathan...I'm infertile.
He grins as he always is and ruffles my hair.
It's been so hard to keep a smile on my face or not look distracted. I haven't hung out with Nathan for a while.
Sure we'd see each other at school but nothing really happened.
"You know I've missed this." He says resting his head on my shoulder. I nod and watch Wreck it Ralph.
It was so cute I loved the characters but as I look at the candy and sugars it was always a reminder of my past.
Of what I was
I stare at Nathan and speak "Do you speak German?" My dreams came back to me.
He laughs "A little, " he blushes and holds my hand.
I had some idea of what he'd said. It wasn't coming to me at the moment But I don't ask since he looked embarrassed, probably something boyish and immature.
That's Nathan after all.
"Why don't we go to the fair next weekend?"
I smile "I can't." "Why?" "Doctor's appointment, " he holds my hand "again?"
I nod "Physical diagnostic exam" "Is there something going on? You haven't told me anything lately...health wise"
I stare at the ground but quickly grin "Yeah just fine."
He nods slowly and we watch the movie some more.
"Oh hey, why don't we go shopping Wednesday night?" That's my dad's late night so I'd be alone anyways
"I don't know" "but you love shopping"
I smile "I'm just not sure..."
"Not sure?" He frowns "...are you okay? " "yep"
"Delilah we haven't hung out in so long. I just hope you aren't lying to me...I don't like it when we're distant."
He pulls me in and hugs me gently, I wrap my arms around my knees and pull them close.
I don't know anymore
Nathan stares at me, this isn't the star struck look most girls love to see when their boyfriend looks at them.
This look was sad, this look was full of worry and concern. I hated this look, it made me tear up.
One falls on my sleeve and I watch his eyes trail to my sweater.
He sighs and grasps my hand gently, " I'm sorry..." I whisper softly because I feel if I speak any louder I'll wail and that the tears will fall.
He nods and rubs his thumb over my knuckles. "It's fine Dee, I'I bit upset." His face and body language say differently.
All attention placed on me. This is why I avoided him. Why I ignored him sometimes, I feel pressured I'm so sorry Nathan.
"Hey Dee," my thoughts are interrupted when Nathan's hand caresses my face. I look up at his slightly less concerned face, "Kiss me." He says and I'm confused for a moment.
Where is this coming from? "Sure..." I lean in and shut my eyes. My mind automatically shuts off. I forgot how I wasn't supposed to tell him anything or how I'd become distant and sad. Or how I was angry with my family, I could even forget my name because this was my first time kissing him in a while. It was different. It was like a slap of reality.
"I knew it," he whispered once I pull away. I'm very confused now "what? Nathan?"
His eyes open and they're dark, full of color and of questions. As they stare at me my cold and sad attitude melts away.
Because I'm that moment I watch as the boy who I planned on spending the rest of my life with cry.
The tears fall, he grips his knees and I hear him say "what's wrong." While they bluer his vision. He places hands on my shoulders "Delilah please tell me,"
His sobbing continues as I hold him and feel myself tear up more. "Stop" I whisper "please it's too much"
His crying ceases as I sit there and listen to his confused out bursts.
"I'll tell you," I say my voice shakes.
He looks up at me " I can't stand this, you've been so distant..when you kissed me, I felt nothing, no emotion....I couldn't help myself from thinking no...Delilah-" I cut him off and lean in again.
I apologize in my own way... I hoped that he felt my emotions my remorse...my suffering...and my...
It clicks....
"Ich liebe dich auch..." I say remembering the basics of the German class flash cards is went over with him. I held on to that phrase I wanted to say it...but I didn't know how.
"Time to be honest..."