The broken bulimic

Part 6: loving this song!

"Ughhhh" recovery days are the worst for me. You know, the days after you binge and purge? Those days where you feel to cut your losses you've gotta starve or eat very little, because you look so bloated you'd be mistaken as pregnant? Yeah them.
  "Good morning Dee," my dad pops his head in the door. It was Saturday morning and I was so happy.
"Hey Dad..." I'm secretly praying I hid all my wrappers and chop bags from the night before.
He sits beside me. "So how's school?" My eyes narrow slightly, he's concerned why would there be a reason for him to raise an eyebrow?
"Fine, and work?" He smiles "Hard but well paying....Delilah honey, I got a call from the school nurse the other day-"
That blabber mouth, ditzy nurse went and told everything! Wait until I tell, she'll be wishing she'd been in the crime investigation field!
"What did she say?" I play it off as if I was clueless. "She said that you'd showed symptoms of bulimia and to check for myself."
He wouldn't know what to look for, he's always asleep when I purge and snores too loud to even hear the toilet flush let alone my sobs of pain.
"Fine..." I smile somewhat smugly in my head. He looked at my hands, "cuts...from poking it down to your uvula."
He looked at my eyes. "Yep signs of stress and your smiling earlier showed weak enamel...let's check your stomach."
I lay down straight and he feels my tummy.....I binged last night...sure I puked but it's still notable.
He sighs "Your bloated, tomorrow morning we're going to the doctor. He needs to examine your esophagus and make sure it isn't burned or ruptured from acid in the purging process, then we will get you to a specialist....I swear child, sometimes I wonder where you get these ideas. It's crazy..." he looked disappointed and I was still half way confused how he'd know what to do.
"Dad wait, please don't send me to a specialist! Not again! I have school and friends and-"
"That's funny, because they haven't been coming around lately. Your depression is getting worse Dee and your damaging your body, if it costs me a couple of dimes in the process I'm willing to get you help."
I scoff "For what? It's not like I ever listen. You and mom know that, all that work goes into me and I still can't stop. Of course people don't get it, no one does."
My dads facial expression seemed hurt then he speaks "Do you know of a guy named Nathan?" My eyes widen "why?" "He called last night but I said you were asleep. He said he was checking to make sure you're okay. It seems like there someone who understands you Dee."
"No! He doesn't get me! He's just a...a jerk! He caused this you know?! He brought on the trauma and disorder, if I wouldn't have ate that food he cooked I'd be skinny! I'd be better!"
"What happened to you?! Why do you act this way?! Your not the little girl I raised years ago not now! What ever happened to make you act so cruel, to this kind boy, to me, to your mother?"
They'll never understand it's on another level. I'm not putting up with this.
"What do you think causes eating disorders Dad? It's not a reason, it's something that sneaks up on you when you have your guard down. And then feeds you lies until your hooked. It feeds on your own pain...just like they did."
My dad looked extremely pale "who Dee?" I shut myself up and sigh.
"I'm done talking Dad, I need some sleep." He agrees and leaves.
Laying on my bed I think of him. Nathan isn't a mean guy and he's not going to leave me but I can't exactly stay close with someone who may leave when it's convenient or them to make a exit.
"Delilah?....hey, string bean!" I shake from my sleep and look up to my dad who's holding the phone out. "The boy called, he wants to talk."
"Tell him I'm busy." "Honestly Dee whats with you? Stop acting like such a jerk!"  He shoves the phone into my hands and I sigh.
"Hello?"
"There she is, miss America....sounds just like the original right?"
I scoff "Common Nathan you goof ball, what's up?"
"Ah you know the sky!"
I growl "I'll bonk you on the head Monday if you don't get serious geez!"
He laughs "I was just checking on you....you haven't blew chunks today have you?"
I roll my eyes "Not today, but no one said anything about yesterday."
I hear him sigh "ah, common Delilah! You're better than that! How do you think the toilet feels? Getting you left overs all on it? That's not nice."
I laugh "It may have to deal with it a bit longer...but....I'm trying please know I am."
"I know you are and I'm with you... regardless if you feel the same way about me or not."
"Nathan, please it wasn't supposed to come out like that I never meant to hurt you-"
"I know....Hey my mom said to get off the phone, talk later?
"Yeah, sure..."
"Alright, I love you Delilah-" as soon as he said that I heard the buzz of the phone signaling he'd left the line.
  I smile, "Oh Nathan, I really wish you wouldn't say stuff like that. When you do I have no clue how to react...and I'm not sure how you'll react once I'm gone."
I listen to the crickets in my back yard chirp and the occasional owl hoots. I stare out my window at the moon, it was my favorite part of night time.
My dad comes in again and takes the phone. Smiling he says "That went well, he's a nice guy." I frown "Dad, stop listening to my conversations it's embarrassing."
He laughs "Aren't you a little too young to be falling in love Dee?"
I scowl "not cool dad," I throw the pillow at him as he leaves. All this playfulness is nice it will give me something to remember once I'm gone, and will help ease the pain of what we all know will happen at the specialist.
I'd been through it again and again. A simple examination the we talk. Then I'm given all these meds and possibly sent away to another help center.
I decided to get my mind off this. Plugging in my phone to iPod i let my inner child be free. You think the only people who are people, are the the ones who think and act just like you....but if you walk in the footsteps of a stranger you'll find things you never knew, you never knew.
Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?
Or asked the grinning wild cat why he grinned? 
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountain?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
-Pocahontas
It felt good to feel myself even if it was only pretend.