The broken bulimic

Part 3: Weeee history!

  There's a question I've been wondering for a while now. It's simple and to the point but still has some sort of meaning underlining it and it sounds childish at first but it's more than that.
The question I wonder is, why am I doing this, and why does the fear not go away?
It sounds like something you'd hear from a soap opera or some horror movie when they give their dramatic prologue.
  But to me it's not that I don't know what I'm doing, simple eating. But why isn't this the same you'd think eating again would lead to ban normal life but it's not the same. It isn't normal. And although I tell myself this every time I walk to the kitchen along with other reasons such as "pretty girls don't binge so don't!" Or "You know where it's going to go after you shove the sins down your esophagus." But I still do it and I wonder why?
"Hey, string bean! You alright your not looking so hot." I look over to Nathan and sigh in frustration. "No, I'm just thinking about life, and choices I've made."
He laughs "like the choice to do your homework or not? Miss Janson is going to get you for not finishing your history assignment." He smiles and fakes an old lady accent "Now children! History is your life! History is how you don't make mistakes like these people and how when I vote for one of you as president some day, you won't try to start a nuclear war with China!"
I can't help but laugh. He was funny. "Oh, I forgot." He says and pulls out a lunch container. "I brought your favorite! Lima beans, chicken nuggets, and fries!" He holds it out to me and hands me a packet of ketchup.
I look down at the plate. The aroma hits me and I felt queasy. "I don't feel too good today Nathan." He laughs lightheartedly "Well okay, just keep it with you until your hungry. But bring my container back please." He smiles and I nod slowly. I seal the meal up and set it beside me.
Brownies, cupcakes, KFC, "Dee?"
My whole life revolves around food, I can't live...I can't see clearly.....I can't think without it being a possibility to think of food. "Hey Dee, common Delilah snap outta it."
It's stressful, and not to mention harmful for my well being. I want things to be like they were. I want it all to wand right now! Just...just...
"Delilah! Please!" He shook me. And I blink. "You were in a full blown daze, you should probably eat." I shake my head and I saw concern in his eyes "Please tell me we're not going back to that mess again."
I shake my head "don't worry, I couldn't even if I wanted to." He looked confused "Why would you want to?"
The bell rings and I stand. "Catch ya later, thanks for the food."
I walk to class, plate in hand and feel self conscious that people may think I'm not eating. I put it in my locker.
Somewhere into seventh period I feel my stomach growl. Food....give it to me...you have it. I know you do.
My body was sending those messages to my brain and it was torture. "May I use the bathroom?"
My stomach growls loudly on the way out of the room but I don't care because lunch is right where I need it.
Grabbing the box of food I hurry to the bathroom. Now feeling the symptoms of need and shakiness in my arms and legs. I felt adrenaline rushing through me and rip the top of. Sitting in the bathroom I eat.
I was loud, hearing myself eat like an animal was embarrassing but I couldn't stop. Around half way through my chicken and beans I hear a small knock. There were three stalls in the bathroom and both genders were aloud. Meaning it could be a snob or a kind hearted deaf person with no care in the world if I smacked.
I felt slightly nervous. Wh? Because part of me wants to finish chewing down on the remaining food but the other is scared of judgement. The first half of me is so strong, I'm shaking even.
I slip small bites as I hear them moving around. Then more, and more until I'm like a starved wolf with a deer in tact.
It was then and only then that I noticed something super important. My stall door was not locked....
I sit in utter shock as it slides open and even more humiliated when I see Nathan standing there.
"Hey....so why are you eating in the bathroom stall like a wild animal?" I stand, ketchup on my shirt and face in all.
"I was hungry." I say very w whimpering voice that I hadn't planned on. I can't, I can't break down.
As soon as I say that I feel it. That uneasy feeling, the one you get when you know your about to hurl. Except mine wasn't because I was sick or embarrassed, mine was of all things at the thought of my weight....fat...fat...better take care of it. Put it in the toilet never to be seen again. If he judges you throw him in there too.
"I'm sorry Nathan..." I slam the door and lock it while he beats on it begging that I stop. I cry as I do it. It's unattractive and unnatural, I felt at my all time low today. And once done and one is flushed the mess down, I slowly slide the lock on the door and step out with a tear stained face.
Nathan just stands there, in shock. His eyes huge and fists clenched.
He places hands on my shoulders and shakes me "Please...stop this!"
I look him in the eye with all the sternness and confidence of a military leader "I can't."
I pull out from his grip and wash my hands. With a stone hard face that I now plan to keep, I say "Here's your container, as promised." I hand it to him and as he stood there, walk out the
door different than before.