101 letters for you, Lou (Larry Stylinson) (BoyxBoy)

Chapter 11 - Singing Without You

Harry’s POV:

I woke up at 5pm the next morning and everything kind of hurt. I went to the living room to find Niall and Liam preparing the table for dinner when Niall spotted me. “Harry, we were just talking about wanting to wake you up so that you’d eat dinner with us” Niall said with a smile on his face. “Yeah? That’s nice, well I’ll go take a quick shower and be back, okay?” they both gave me a nod and I went to the shower. When I had finished I put on some sweatpants and one of Louis’ jumpers then went to the living room. Liam and Niall were waiting for me. “Thanks for waiting” I said as I sat down and we started eating. After we finished eating Liam told me to go to sit on the couch ‘cause he apparently had something important to discuss with me. I had a bad feeling about this, was it because I wasn’t really okay these days or maybe they realized that I cut and he is mad at me. A couple of minutes after me and Liam sat down Niall went to join us. He looked at Liam and gave him a nod; I had the feeling that I’m going to be in trouble. “Well, Harry” he spoke, “I don’t know how to tell you this…anyway, I got a call from management yesterday and they want us to record some song again the day after tomorrow”. I gave Liam a confused look “But how are we going to sing? Don’t they know that Louis is still in this clinic and that he can’t get out yet?” I asked but saw Liam look at me with pity in his eyes. “Well, Harry. The thing is… they said that Louis’ part will be taken care off and we have to go to the studio anyway. I tried telling them bu-” I cut Liam in the middle of his sentence. “But how could they do such a thing” tears were now streaming down my face “I’m sorry Harry, I wish I could do something” he said sadness visible in his voice. Suddenly I felt someone pat me on my shoulder; I turned around to see Niall’s glossy eyes looking at me. He took me in a hug and told me not to be sad. “I-I just wa-want to be a-alone for… a moment” and I went straight to my room. Why does all this have to happen to me? What have I done? I just wanted to be with the person I love, and with all these thoughts and the tearstained sheets I fell asleep.

Day of the recording

A van came to fetch us up, it was a silent ride nobody really said anything. I really don’t want to go but I can’t do anything against management. I really hate them, first they separated me and Louis then they come and want us do record a song though they fully know that it won’t be easy for us ‘cause of Louis’ absence.

We arrived at the studio about half an hour later; we went up to the recording room to find Paul already waiting for us there. “Hi guys!” he greeted us and all of us greeted him back. “Well, luckily you only have one song to record today since the rest is okay” he said. “And what song is it?” Niall asked as he waited for the answer impatiently “It’s ‘Strong’”.

 My eyes opened wide and I froze as I heard what he has said. Why? Why? Why does it have to be ‘Strong’ of all of our songs? My heart was sinking with pain; it was so painful just to imagine singing this song without Louis. He was the one who wrote it and most importantly he wrote it for me, he wrote it biased on things in our lives, our tattoos, everything. I was cut from my thoughts as I felt someone shake me and call my name. “Harry, Harry!” I recognized the voice it was Liam’s. “Are you okay, mate?” he asked me his voice filled with concern and worry. “Y-Yeah, I’m fine” I said my voice still cracking though. “You sure?” he gave me a sad worried look and waited for an answer. “Yes, let’s just get this done” I said trying to hide my sadness.

We started singing and when my part came I just froze, the words just didn’t come out of my mouth. Suddenly I felt my tears stream down my face. My knees got weak and I collapsed on the floor. The only words that came out of my mouth were ‘is that so wrong that you make me strong’ but they were pretty much of a whisper, so nobody heard them. Liam came to me in a heartbeat as I collapsed. I felt dizzy and everything was spinning everyone was calling my name but I just couldn’t reply I didn’t have the strength and I couldn’t breathe. My lugs felt like they’re being crashed I tried to take a breath but all my attempts failed, I felt like dying. Could this be possibly be my end, I don’t know maybe it’s all a dream but it just felt too real for me to be a dream. The lights were blinding my sight but I still could hear. Suddenly Liam’s voice got clearer “Harry, Harry! Calm down, breathe in and out. Concentrate on my voice, Harry” I tried to do as he said, it was really hard and I felt like I’m going to faint.

Suddenly my heartbeat started sinking and it slowly got to its normal pace. As I started breathing again normally, I looked around and saw everyone in front of me. “Harry, you okay?” Niall asked and he looked as if he could just burst crying anytime. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just let me go home, okay?” I said trying to put a smile on my face but I failed. “No, Harry we’re going to the hospital” Liam said making me lean on his shoulder so that I can stand up again. “No, Liam I’m really fine just a bit tired” he looked at me in disbelieve “you’re fine, my ass. You just had a panic attack! How are you supposed to be fine?” his anger and worry were visible in his voice. “Please, Liam! I really just want to sleep now, I’m really tired” I begged him with pleading eyes. “Okay” he sighs “but if anything happens again I’ll just take you without even asking even if I have to drag you out of your house. You understand?” he looked at me waiting for an answer “Yes”. We went to the van and were on our way home. I fell asleep during the ride when we stopped I felt two arms lift me and carry me to my bed. I remembered when Louis would carry my just this way if I fell asleep on our way home or when I’d just fake sleeping just because I want to be carried to bed. And though the sometimes found out that I was pretending yet he still carried me. Remembering this now only made me more sad and depressed and so a tear found its way out of my eyes and slid down my face. I felt someone lay me on bed and wiped the tear away. As the room became quit I could fall into a deep needed sleep.

Letter 78

Dear Lou,
You know after my panic attack everything’s only gotten worse. The boys refuse to leave me alone anymore; they’ve been hanging out in my apartment since 4 days now. It’s not like I don’t like the boys being around, but it’s just too much. I tried to tell them that I was okay yet they are as stubborn as hell! I just wish I had some time alone, without someone practically checking on me every fucking 5 seconds. The only thing I need is you yet I know that it’s too late for me to be thinking about it, ‘cause you’re out of my reach, Lou. And it hurts; it hurts so fucking much every time I think about it. You don’t know how much I just wish every night I try to fall asleep or every day when I wake up that all of this would only be a dream. If it only had been a dream.

Love, Hazza xxx

After begging the boys for days I convinced them that I was getting better and that they can leave me alone. Although it took about a week and a half to get them totally convinced about me being okay they finally left. Now I have the whole apartment for myself again. I couldn’t hear anything but my breath, it was quite since they left and I pretty liked it that way. ‘Cause I was tired of all of their worried glances at me and constantly checking on me. Well, actually I’m pretty grateful to them but it just was getting on my nerves after some time. I went upstairs to my bedroom and laid on bed waiting till sleep took over me.