Some Day We Might (Muke)

Chapter Five

We all slept in Ashton's room that night. Calum and Ash sharing one bed and Luke and I the other. I didn't get much sleep though. I spent half the time watching Ashton and the other half talking quietly to Luke. It was just sleepy nonsense, nothing interesting at all. We just talked to keep our minds off of everything.

Calum ended up booking a flight for later today. So here I am, packing clothes to head off to Sydney. I know it'll be warm there, so I ditch most of my hoodies and long sleeves. I do, however, pack jeans since that's pretty much all I wear no matter the weather.

Once I'm done, I help Luke pack some of his stuff. "You don't have to help me." he says, but let's me continue folding some of his shirts.

"Well, I'm done with mine so I might as well." I say. I'm really helping him, though, because he's doing it rather slowly. He keeps taking breaks, sitting down and breathing for a moment. He was pretty good yesterday--probably the most calm of us all--but now it's hitting him hard.

I notice a few tears slip out of his eyes, and place my hand on his shoulder. "Hey," I whisper, "It's okay."

He sniffs and wipes his eyes. "Yeah, I know. I'm just--" he shrugs. "I don't even know how I feel right now."

"To be honest, neither do I." About more things than you think. 

"I just hope we can go back to Sydney, figure things out, and get back to normal before the tour."

"I'm sure it will all work out." I say, even though I'm not actually sure.

- - - -

I double check to make sure we have everything. I'm packed, Luke is packed, Calum is packed, and Ashton is packed. I have my phone, wallet, suitcase...yeah, that's everything, I'm all good.

"Okay, the cab is out front waiting. Let's go." Calum says.

And with that we leave. We leave our London house to go to our real home. Sure, it'll be nice to see my family, but I'm going to miss London. I'm going to miss it just being us boys. Most of all, I'm going to miss my time alone with Luke. I doubt I'm going to get any time with him now.

No. Don't think like that. You're being selfish. Stop being selfish.

I feel cold and I feel numb. There's an ache in my chest that is so bad I wish I was unconscious. Everything I went through years ago is coming back. It's happening again, but I can't let it. We all have enough going on with Ash, I can't be like this again.

Fuck. I knew these horrible feelings were returning after three years, but I just tried to ignore it. Now I don't know if I can. I don't know if this situation with Ashton was a trigger or...?

I can't be like this. Dammit, Michael, you chose the worst fucking times to be a complete failure at life.

As we walk to the cab, I hope no one can read my inner monologue through my expression or the look in my eyes. I have to play it cool. At least until Ash is back on his feet.

I'm. So. Fucking. Selfish.

- - - -

I had a feeling going by the grey tone of the clouds--those giant puffs of thick smoke-like figures--that this wasn't going to be an easy flight. Once the thunder cracked and the lighting flashed like a high-intensity strobe light, I was certain of it. 

Once we got to the airport, rain started to pour in a constant, heavy shower. We barley made it through the doors in our dry clothes; any longer and we would have looked as if we'd gone swimming.

Then we got to our gate only to find out the flight would be delayed. Overnight. We would have gone back home, but that's a risky thing to do if you're not too keen on missing your flight. So now we're sat here on the floor next to the window with a couple of blankets, looking out into the darkening evening sky.

Calum is playing cards with Ashton, who is beating him every time because Calum sucks at card games. Luke is sat directly across from me, both of us leaning against the window. 

"Michael?" he says so quietly I'm not sure if I imagined it or not.

"Yeah?" I say just as quietly. My voice is noticeably hoarse.

"How are you dealing with this?"

I'm not. I'm barley making it. "I'll let you in on a little secret: I'm not." I say, deciding to be truthful.

"But you--"

"I'm fine on the outside?" I say. "Trust me, Luke, one look into my head and you'd understand--maybe more than you want to. I'm a mess. I am far from okay."

He sighs. "I hate to say this, but I'm glad you're not okay." He says, then shakes his head. "I mean--I'm not--fuck it, you know what I meant. I'm just glad to see you're actually human." He jokes.

"Me? Human?" I snort. "Nah. I've got too much spidey powers in my veins to be human."

He smiles, showing a bit of teeth, that lips ring moving upward with the corners of his mouth. It's like I instantly feel warmth in my chest. Even at this shitty time in my life, he can make me feel somewhat more alive. 

How can someone I used to hate make my heart beat so fast, when sometimes I don't want it to beat at all?

Sorry this was short! I have a reason though! I thought the last line was way too good of a chapter ending for me to continue. Plus, I'll probably be posting the next chapter sooner since I've finished this so quick. It'll pick up right from where this ended, and will hopefully be longer!

-Addy <3 x