Save Me? I'm Fine.

Chapter 13

When you came back locking the doors of both the houses Taehyung was sprawled on the bed mouth half open, perhaps fast asleep. You placed his phone on the bedside table as you sat down beside him on the bed. Eventually you lied down too, tired, facing him, your legs hanging off the bed in a similar fashion to him.

Taehyung let out a deep exhausted breath as he felt your presence next to him. "Just when we thought the night could not get any longer. It's crazy how suddenly my life has become so much more happening and less boring."

You hummed in response, blinking slowly as you felt tired. "Take the bed tonight Taehyung, I'll sleep on the couch it's okay."

Taehyung very slightly shook his head. "Just give me a minute I'll get up. You're the one who did the big job. You're exhausted too."

"Not as much as you are. I did sleep for long in the morning. You must be more tired."

"I hate being this exhausted."

"Don't we all?"

"Being exhausted means deep sleep......and deep sleep means bad dreams."

You slowly reached out for his hand tapping it slowly. He didn't say anything after that only breathing deeply in response. You liked watching him sleep. You didn't know why but you were suddenly counting the number of his breaths and the number of small scars he had on his hands before your eyes fell on his tattoos. Looking at them you slowly began tracing the designs, feeling the ink under your skin.

"Do you like them?" Taehyung peaked at you through a half open eye.

"I thought you were sleeping." You quickly withdrew your hand realising why he was awake. "Sorry, did I wake you up?"

"No." Taehyung shook his head pulling you closer as you snuggled in his warmth. "No you didn't, I didn't sleep yet. In fact, your fingers felt nice, whatever you were doing."

"I was trying to see what you are hiding under these." You let your fingers run on them again. "I was wondering why get a tattoo over the snake to cover it, why not get it removed?" You looked at him lifting your head.

"It's less painful than this."

"Getting a tattoo is less painful than getting one removed?"

"Seeing a tattoo on me every day is less painful than denying its existence."

"I don't get it."

Taehyung smiled slightly pushing his hair back as he stared at the ceiling.

"Removing the tattoo meant I was living in denial. My time in the Crux is an important part of who I am Y/n. It was a crucial thing that defined me. Removing it and pretending like it never happened was more cowardly than running away. I couldn't do that. I couldn't remove the signs of the monster I was. I couldn't remove the evidences of my mistakes and live happily. It was only right that I saw it every day as a reminder that no matter what, I will not return to the world that I left behind. Even if it comes upon my life I will not join them again, I will never do the same things again. This tattoo was supposed to be a reminder of that. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't see myself with it every day without feeling disgusted with myself about everything. I couldn't see it, I couldn't remove it, so the only solution was to cover it up, to know that it's there but search for it only when I needed to."

You ran your finger on the snake pondering over his words. There was something you didn't know yet, something he was not completely honest with you about. What had he done to feel such sudden shame at himself....he didn't happen to.....

"Taehyung." You looked at him as he hummed in response. "Did you ever......ever kill someone?"

Taehyung kept quiet blinking at the ceiling.