The Boys Scent ✔️

IX - I'm Sorry

Contains sensitive subjects. Reader discretion is advised.

The rocks of the schools playground weren't as comfy as the benches, but I deserved the pain. Pain deserves to be felt. I sat there in silence, my head in my hands, thinking about all of my past mistakes. I wish I had never been a wolf. Then none of this would've happened. No, I wish I never existed. I wouldn't have had to go through every bit of the torture I felt as a child. And although that wasn't much, it still happened.

The sudden crunch of rocks brought me out of the depths of my thoughts. "Hey." He said as he sat next to me. I didn't reply. Just returned my head to its darkness.

"Don't blame yourself." He spoke softly. His voice reminded me of my moms cinnamon rolls.

"Why shouldn't I, Nathaniel?" I yelled, standing up from the rocks.

"Because it's my fault!" Nathaniel yelled back at me, standing up also.

"What do you mean it's your fault?" I asked. What could've possibly been his fault? After all, I'm the one who makes mistakes. Who gets blamed. I'm the one who gets pushed around secretly in the hallways. I'm the one hiding secrets from people.

"I gave you the ultimatum, I told you to choose me or Kaydon. I told you not to come back to me crying. I was mad, Janessa. I was pissed that you chose him over me. I wanted to be the one you chose. I wanted to hold you as you cried in my lap, telling me of your troubles. I wanted to be the one to hold you and kiss you. I wanted to be the one you loved." His voice was so soft, almost a whisper.

I grabbed his hands and looked into his eyes which were glossy, that meant he was close to crying. "I'm sorry, Nathaniel. I'm so so so sorry for not picking you. I thought my mate would be someone else other than that douche. But please, I choose you now. I want to be yours. I want to hold you." By now, one of my hands was on his cheek. "I want to kiss you so passionately you'll never remember a life without me. I want to be the one you love."

A tear strolled down my cheek. How did I never notice that we were meant to be before I chose Kaydon. He cautiously moved his hand and face out of my grip, turning away from me, the crunch of rocks beneath him reminding me of the times I was a kid, playing on a playground. "I told you not to come to me crying." He sniffed. I hated that I made him cry. The bond was still unbroken, maybe I could make him choose me. But that would be selfish.

"Nathaniel, I wish I could tell you to forget the choice ever happened. To love me and forget about everything I've done wrong. But I can't. That would be selfish. And I don't want to be selfish." I said, not moving an inch toward or away from him.

"Please." He whispered. "If you ever think that I stopped loving you, if you ever need someone to talk to, come to me."

"Yeah." I whispered. "You too." Then I walked away, and I never saw him after.

I wish my story was that easy to end. But sadly, it isn't.

Come on, J. What are you doing? Go chase after him and give him a big smooch and do whatever you kids do these days. Alexa said.

You aren't that good at all this lovey dovey stuff. I admitted to her. Her laugh echoed through my head. Not very comforting either.

I went home from school although it was the middle of the day and thanked god that my parents were at work. I just sat in my room and cried, in the darkness beneath my covers. I thought of many things that day. Including how I could never outlive these mistakes. They will follow me as I continue to make more.

Soon I found myself in the bathroom, staring at the mirror, reaching for some Advil. My head was pounding and I was tired. After taking some Advil, I stumbled back to my bed and listened to my breathing, finally, I fell asleep.

I woke a few hours later, my cheeks stained with tears and sweat. I was warm and had been crying in my sleep. You'll be okay, Janessa. Everything will be okay and you'll find yourself and Nathaniel together, having beautiful children. Someday. Thanks, Alexa.

But I wasn't thankful. She made me think about what Nathaniel had said. And all I wanted was for him to hold me right now so I could sulk on his shoulder and tell him how badly I messed up with him and how I really was sorry. But that wouldn't happen. For now anyways. I was pretty sure he hated my guts, or at least tried to.

Soon I found myself in front of the bathroom mirror again, but for a different reason. This time, I wasn't reaching for Advil, this time, there was a razor at my wrist.

"What are you doing?!" Iris screeched. I hadn't heard her come home. I didn't answer her. I just let the blood trickle down my wrist and into the porcelain sink below me.