The Sun Shines Brightest in June (Completed) gxg

The Days In Between That Were Enlightening.

I finally had a word for it. Gay. It was a simple word. Short. Three letters long. There wasn't much to it. I supposed there was the word "lesbian" as well, but that was longer, and seemingly more complex than just "gay."

I could deal with gay. I could wrap my head around it. I couldn't grasp lesbian yet, though. I wasn't ready for that. I mean gay left possibilities open. I could be a lesbian. I could be bisexual. I could be pansexual. There were options. There were other terms that could still apply to me, because at thirteen/fourteen years old, gay simply meant not straight. It was used more as an umbrella term at that age and that was okay with me, because I didn't know what to define myself as specifically.

I didn't think that I was interested in boys at all, as I've already mentioned, but that didn't mean anything. I think and I know are two different things. At the time I could only think. What I didn't understand was how I would know. Was there some sort of test? Could I just date a bunch of boys and girls and see where it went? That didn't seem like the best plan to me. There had to be some other way.

I did a lot of reading that year. My school's library wasn't exactly the best place for literature on this matter, but I did find sites online that were helpful. For Christmas my parents had given me a gift card to one of my favorite books stores as one of my presents and I divided up my purchase into two categories. I could afford ten books, so five of them would have heterosexual love stories and the other five would be lesbian love stories.

I also read online about different people's experiences and what to do if you think you might be gay.

Over all I learned quite a bit of useful information, especially from the books. The stories about two girls falling in love were way more interesting and exciting than the stories of boys and girls falling in love. I found myself enjoying them a whole lot more.

I did try the whole dating thing again. Once. His name was Chase, and yes, he was cute. He was very cute actually. Most of the girls in my class seemed to have a crush on him. I never understood why he had chosen me over all of them. Either way, we only lasted about a week. Kissing him felt wrong and if he tried to do anything else, well, that just wasn't going to happen.

Unfortunately, I didn't know of any other girls who might have been even questioningly gay. Not that it really mattered much. The only girl that I ever thought about was Klara. Even though she had hurt me I couldn't seem to get her out of my head. If there was any girl that I wanted to kiss it was her... again.

I suppose at the end of the day I did learn that I just wasn't interested in boys at all, but I was interested in at least one girl. I didn't know if liking Klara exclusively meant that I could still call myself a lesbian, but I believed that I was at least closer to figuring it out.