It's That 'I Hate You' Kind of Love

Chapter Thirty Four

**When you see ITIHYKOL that stand for It's That I Hate You Kind of Love**

"Emily's on her way," Carson repeated urgently when I just stared at him.

Without a word, I steeled myself and headed towards the stairs. A hand gripped my arm, quickly releasing when I glanced back at him. Carson didn't try to hide the brief panic when I had turned my back.

"Where are you going?"

I studied the way his eyebrows were furrowed. "I'm going to talk to Emily." I said. In the back of my mind I added, 'I'm not leaving you, for once'. Spinning on my heel, I tromped down the stairs. I couldn't hear Carson's soft footsteps, but I know he was following me.

The living room was empty. Half of me was expecting Zach and his grandparents leaning in front of the couch, an unconscious Emily laid before them; as it had been just hours earlier. The image seemed to haunt me.

As did the picture of Ben with a wad of bandages taped to his ruined cheek.

My hands curled into fists; nails biting into soft palms.

"Charlotte." Carson's voice was soft. The hair on the back of my neck prickled as if he was right behind me. But he wasn't, he was by the stairs and I was by the door, secretly feeling the distance between us.

"What?" I snapped.

His voice came out in a worried growl. "This is dangerous."

I turned around and crossed my arms as I spotted his position across the room. His hands were clenched as mine had been and his face barely concealed the desperate urge to protect me.

"But you're not stopping me." I stated.

Carson's jaw clenched as he nodded abruptly. It made my heart ache.

"Why?"

He just looked at me with a pained expression. Upstairs I could hear the sound of voices and the screams; but my footsteps still echoed much too loudly as I crossed the distance between me and Carson. I stopped about a foot or two away, glaring at the way he stiffened.

"I don't get you." I spat. I could feel the sudden anger boiling my blood. It was my brother in pain upstairs, but Carson was the one really driving me insane. I shoved hard on his chest and he stumbled back into the stair railing as if I was really that strong.

Carson didn't even try to straighten himself, he simply stood like that, not quite meeting my eyes. "I'm sorry. What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to stop that!" I yelled, pointing to him.

"I don't-"

"One minute you're comforting me and the next you're scared to even look at me!"

Carson hesitated and his eyes met mine. "I'm not scared to look at you."

I stepped foreword, glaring into his blue eyes. "I don't know what I want, okay? Because our relationship is so confusing to me! It's messed up! You made a giant mistake and I still can't not forgive you. That's unnatural."

He was trying to avoid my eyes, but I reached up and put my palm against his cheek. His gaze snapped back to mine.

"I am pissed at you Carson Rivers. I am almost always pissed at you." I said angrily, making his head bow down slightly. I forced him to look at me again, softening my voice. "But I have never seen you guilty, and truthfully, I hate it."

Carson's blue eyes closed for a long moment before they reopened. "Everything was my fault-"

"Yeah," I agreed casually. "Probably. But you making it up to me with whatever you're failing at, but trying to do-"