Pacifier

// Isabelle //

 //10 years later//

It was late. Later than usual. Quieter too and from where I sat swinging my legs off the bar in The Balcony, head resting against the pillar I could see the shadows of strangers block out the watery yellow glow of the street lamps.

One of my knee socks was falling down, one of the buttons on my school blouse had fallen off in the day and so my collar bones were left exposed, the black lace of my bra teasing the eyes of our clientele.

I sat playing with the ribbon in my hair, twirling a curl around my little finger, licking the curve of a heart shaped lolly my brother had given me that evening before he'd left the house. He'd told me to change but I hadn't yet, I'd been distracted.

Behind the bar Bob stood polishing the taps lazily. I'd been serving all evening, tapping along to indie rock n roll as the hours dragged, waiting on my brothers return, though I knew he'd have hated that. I was still the youngest in our family and the lads didn't like the thought of their sweet little 16 year old Isabelle serving drinks and smiling at the clientele, leaning over the bar. I was everyones little sister nowadays.

I'd sat here every night for ten years, waiting on him patiently, and it was always the same. Like the world knew us better than we knew eachother.
I'd grow impatient, a little restless and just as my heart was beginning to sink, just as I thought about jumping down and locking the doors, preparing for the worst, the front door would burst open and in he'd stumble, arm slung lazy round the shoulders of Van and Benji, cigarette between his teeth, eyes gleaming after a successful night doing whatever.
They never really told me what they'd done. They thought they were protecting me but I wasn't as naive as I had once been.
I knew that every time they left the house there would be trouble somewhere for someone and I knew that one day one of them wouldn't come home.

I glanced at Nakita and Meghan sitting sipping Bacardi and cokes, watching the bubbles fizzle out. Nakita was curving around the shoulders of a man I recognised only because he spent a lot of time lingering, with Nakita wrapped around him. Meghan was on her phone, closing and refreshing the same set of messages again and again. Someone had been talking to her too but he'd left half an hour before, bitter expression, stiff gate. Meghan had hardly noticed.

"I would like to leave this city, this old town don't smell too pretty," my lips moved around the words to the familiar melody as I slowly sang along. My heart was racing and though I was trying my best to tame it it kept speeding up.

And then it stopped.

"Alright Izzy," he had a cigarette hanging lazily from his lips. A flat cap cast a shadow over the contours of his face, and his smirk formed slowly in his stubble.

I smiled back, struggling not to show my real feelings through a grin. The relief flooding me.

"Johnny" I beamed, not nearly as cool as he had sounded as he opened his arms for me and I jumped up wrapping my legs around his waist, stealing his cigarette.

"You little rotter," he chuckled leaning against the pillar, "get the whiskey out would you rkid," he called to Bob, "give me cig back Tink," he said then, "you don't smoke,"

"Where are the lads?" I asked watching over his shoulder for the door, the empty space they should have occupied. Even Meghan and Nakita seemed a little faded now. Johnny watched them, eyed them up, eyed the only sort of familiar man up too.

"Pour theirs too, they're just clearing a few things up, they'll be back soon..." he spoke so lackadaisical of those sort of things, even now when I was old enough to understand. Almost as if to kid himself, because he wasn't kidding me. I knew what he meant when he lowered his tone. When he couldn't quite look me in the eye.

"I'll make it doubles," smirked Bob rolling his eyes.

"Was it bad?" I asked sucking on his cigarette, blinking up at him, trying my best to look mature enough to understand.

"I thought I told you to change..." he frowned changing the subject. I folded my arms, jumping down from his arms to look up at him sullenly.

"I get better tips in my uniform..."

"Exactly..." he said, his voice that same warning tone once again. I remained the same, sullen, unblinking.

"Is..." he started then, understanding finally.

"Johnny..." I replied lowering my tone to mock his.

"It had to be done..."

"i know..." I smiled, half hearted as it may have been, I meant it.

I waited then, watching him to see what he would do, he didn't respond until I coughed. "Johnny im tired," I said with an impatient sight. He smirked opening his arms to pick me up once again. That was where I belonged according to him, in his arms where I was safe n sound. Where he could keep an eye on me.

"How were takings Bob?" He asked rocking me on his hip gently as he did, it was late and I could feel my eyes blinking shut, they were heavy and Johnnys chest felt warm against my cheek. "We're having a lock in tonight," his smile was warm too, his voice a comfort to me as the rest of our family grew tense around us, waiting for Van and Blakes to get in.

"Johnny," I yawned softly.

"Yeah Tink?" He chuckled adjusting the rim of my flatcap so he could see me clearly.

But I didn't get the chance to ask my question because the doors burst open and in stumbled Van and Blakes grinning and smoking, laughing about something though it seemed strange to me that they could laugh at all.

"Evening lads," Van held his arms out as if to present themselves as a work of art. "Lock the doors and turn the music up, tonight we're celebrating,"

I wasn't sure what exactly we were celebrating, only that somewhere someone else was mourning, but I knew how the night would end.