Pacifier

\\ Van //

I sat up with her asleep, or half asleep, in my arms for the rest of the night.

I tried to honor my promise to her, tried to close my eyes and relax too, tried to drift off to sleep with her but I couldn't.
Not now that I knew who she really was. Not when only I knew who she really was.

I held her and I closed my eyes. I rested my head in her hair, her center parting tickling my nose when she shifted in my arms to get comfortable. I rubbed my hand over her shoulder, fingers creeping underneath her sleeve to trace a pattern over her skin, and I cradled her. I cradled her to my chest and held her tight and thought of her mother.

And I let the guilt stew.

Lyra was the only warm person I'd known until little Isabelle had been born. The only warm person in the world.

She'd been beautiful and full of love and her smile had lit up the room and my world and I'd loved her.
It wasn't love like romance, it was love the way all young lads fall in love. The way you fall in love with mothers. Gentle people. Girls who are soft and kind, who make you laugh and who only live to draw a smile on your lips. Women to whom you are the center of their universe.

We had all fallen in love with Lyra like that and then we'd lost her. And when we lost Lyra we lost everyone we thought we couldn't live without.

And now I held her daughter, cradled to my chest, her head in the palm of my hand. And she was soft and kind and gentle too.

And I was falling in love again.

It was dangerous ground to walk. It was hard to hold her so close and to know that I could only ever love her in secret. In quiet moments like this.

It was difficult to know that if ever I let it show, it would be her life I was risking.

The longer I lingered on the memory of that fateful day, when Isabelle was only 4 years old and I was only just 10. That fateful day when the only warm person in our little world had been snatched from us.

And now I wasnt even sure she hadn't wanted to go.

I watched pale sunrise slowly creep up the bedroom wall, and though my eyes stung by the time her alarm went off, I forced a smile for her when she stirred and looked up at me.

I tried to pretend that I'd been sleeping too, but just like last night, she was reminiscent of another Bond girl, and I couldn't hide the truth from her.

"You didn't sleep," she frowned, pushing my hair from my face. "You should sleep," she said softly, her brows knitting together, the little crease on the bridge of her nose when she concentrated on my weatherworn features, almost cute enough to distract me from where her trailing gaze had settled.
What her delicate fingers had found in my parting.

"Is that an order?" i smirked sitting up straight, taking her hand from my hair, bringing it to my lips, kissing the palm of her hands gently, holding her gaze before closing her fingers around it and lowering her hand back down to my lap. "Because I havent taken those for a long time," i winked placing her down on her own two feet when I stood up.

She looked back at me in silence, blushing oh so slightly, her cheeks tinged pink as she watched me wander around her room, over to the window where I opened her curtains and looked down at the street outside just in time to see my eyes returning from Rubys house.

"Get ready for school sweetheart, I'll be back to walk you alright," i said blood running cold when one of the lads I recognised as Jakes friend raised his hand to wave and beckon me down.