Stylist {j.h} A BTS Fanfiction - ON HIATUS

십사

Her

I closed my heavy eyes and turned up the volume again. This was probably unhealthy but I didn't care. The back of the cheap deck chair bit into my shoulder. I shifted about uncomfortably. At least this was better than being back downstairs. There was no way I was going back after Chai had shown up at our door. I had to escape their smiles, the flashes of false happiness, and their drunken, slurring words. 

I felt like I was suffocating in a world of counterfeit people all striving to impress one another with prestige and fancy cliques. It didn't matter if I had my friends or the backup dancers to defend me. I knew I was hated by the other stylists. And having to feel their eyes on me the every time I went outside was unbearable.

More than anything else, I wanted to leave. Hawaii was stunning and enchanting, but the sea and sun couldn't heal all the scars and damage inflicted on my heart. Ara meant well and so did Chai. However, I would have rather spent a nice evening alone than with them partying it up at the pool. Having them both drunk until they couldn't stand up had not helped in the least. 

Chai had been even worse the second time tonight. Whenever he consumed even a slight bit of alcohol he became incessant and wouldn't stop coming after me. He was so similar to him in those moments that I wanted to run away.  

I pressed the palms of my hands against my itching eyes. Tears burned and ate away at the barrier my hands created. I was not thinking of him. I was not thinking of him.

I bit my tongue to hold in a scream of frustration. Why couldn't I go back to feeling numb? My body felt tense. Strained muscles begged for relief from the panic wracking my mind. My cold wet hair flopped over my shoulders. I trembled from the chills running down my spine.

'I should have blowdried it before I left,' I thought sourly.

I jammed my earbuds in my ear. Music. Music always helped. The song pulsed through me. The delicacy of the piano line lifting my soul up to the stars decorating the sky like scattered sand. I tried to unwind and sink into the numb-zone that happened whenever I caused myself to loose control of my grip on reality. 

Charlie Puth's angelic voice started singing in my ears and reality blurred. 

This is gonna hurt but I blame myself first
'Cause I ignored the truth
Drunk off that love, my head up
There's no forgetting you

You've awoken me, but you're choking me
I was so obsessed
Gave you all of me, and now honestly, I got nothing left

I loved you dangerously
More than the air that I breathe
Knew we would crash at the speed that we were going
Didn't care if the explosion ruined me
Baby, I loved you dangerously
Mmmm, mmmm

I loved you dangerously

Why did this song have to be on my playlist? I tapped my phone angrily, deleting it from the list of favorites. The song always reminded me of what had gone down back home. I laid back down on the chair. 

I drifted in and out of focus. A hot, searing tear leak out of the corner of my eye. It carved a jagged path down the side of my cheek. I let it sit there and burn. The pain it carried brought clarity to my clouded mind.

I had caused myself so much pain and heartache back home in Japan before I had left. I had fallen like the silly school girl I was for him and had let him walk all over my heart like he owned it. I felt dirty. I pushed away the memories of when we were together. They persisted.

The trauma from splitting up had destroyed me. It had been for the best in the long run. I knew that now. That realization hadn't erase the PTSD or the nightmares like I had wanted it to. I had become so dependent on him mentally that I had plummeted into a black whole of depression and anxiety so severely that my grandparents started having me see specialists for it. I couldn't function for months. Sessions of therapy hadn't made a dent in my real problem: the fear of starting over. The crippling anxiety lurked in the back of my mind, waiting to snap and shred apart any hope I found along the way. It was currently sinking its claws into whatever flickering light Hoseok had lit inside my heart.

How could I willingly do this to myself for a second time? It was so easy to fall for him, though.  Hoseok was easy to be around, always laughing or cracking jokes. He made me happy to be who I was- something I had not felt in a long time. But it had started out this way with him, too. 

Everything between us seemed fine and well at first. Soon enough, all his sweet compliments came with off-hand remarks about my looks, my weight, my interests. Eventually to my friends. Manipulative plays and sidelong conversations had twisted and pulled my heart in so many directions that I near the end, I hadn't know if it was me or him I was dancing for. 

I skipped the rest of this song. Then the next. And the next. I needed something happy to listen to. Maybe that would boost my mood. I clicked on one of my Sofu's*  favorite songs. But it seemed that even the heavenly voices of Queen couldn't banish my awful mood tonight. 

I needed something that didn't have his fingerprints over it. Music was too general. Lyrics could pull the heartstrings in unexpected way expected way. I pressed the skip button again. Again. Again.

Who didn't know about my past these days? Ara and Yun Duo did. They would be useless to talk to, though. Ara was most likely passed out drunk in bed. Yun Duo would only tell me to get some rest or meditate. I've tried both. Neither work. So what was the use of seeing them right now? 

Who could brighten up a city just by smiling? Who didn't give you the look everyone else did when you mentioned therapy or PTSD? They'd be able to help me forget my mistakes, wouldn't they? I bit my tongue. I knew who I needed.  

I needed Hoseok. 

I didn't like being dependent. But there was something about him that made every instinct in my body trust him. He was a genuine person. He intently listened to what you had to say.  Would he even be awake at this hour? 

No, best not to drag him into this mess. It was my heart that didn't tick right. It was up to me to try and fix it the best I could. 

*Sofu - Grandfather