Can't Remember To Forget You | Grayson Dolan

5.

I don't know what was I thinking. Confronting Grayson that way?!? About nothing ?! Seriously , that's so stupid. What if he tells Cameron ? After what happened yesterday I cannot look at Grayson or Cameron. I feel ashamed, because I acted so stupid. Cameron was supposed to come with me to my appointment at the doctor's but I told him I needed to be alone for this one.

"So, miss Ross, has the medication you take helped your memory? Did you remember something ? "

"Well I guess it helped. I had remember my parents, some of my friends but not everything. I remember only small parts of conversations or experiences."

"Miss Ross, the way human brain fully function is still a mystery to science. But in your special case, in order to remember something with someone you need to have an emotional connection with the person. You see.. the mind tends to forget , but the feelings don't. How can your heart forget? I'm trying to say that you are not supposed to search for memories with your mind , you are supposed to look for them with your heart. The medication you receive is for your health , but it won't magically give your memories back. Tell me now.. have any of your friends or family made you feel somehow .. let's say weird? As they say in the movies 'like you know them from a past life' ?"

"Yes.. I have that feeling with someone." Grayson.. I felt it with Grayson. An instant connection.

"Well, that's the person you need to talk to the most. Communicating with them might help you remember things faster, because of the emotions they bring in you."

Well, I guess I'm so screwed, because after yesterday it would be a surprise,if Grayson speaks to me ever again. Emotional connection ? With Grayson? I don't know if that's what I would call it, but it's definitely something. I went back home after the doctor did some checks up on me. I actually feel really sad and somehow bad. The pressure around this whole thing sometimes gets too much and I feel the need to cry my eyes out. The emotions that I keep locked inside of me were about to burst out when a sudden memory crossed my mind.

"You are so not doing this , Grayson ! " I screamed in his face.

"I can't even look at him the same way , Lorra! I feel guilty ! "

"Do you really think that I don't? I love Cameron , of course I feel bad , but telling him about us will destroy him! He won't be able to accept it or handle it , Grayson. We will ruin him."

"You love him?! Love ?? No , Lauren, you don't love anyone except yourself ! "

"Oh Please, don't act hurt now.. you don't care if I still love Cameron. If you did , you wouldn't be sleeping with me." I crossed my arms.

" Don't be a bitch. It was a mistake. Everything we did was a mistake !"

"Was it , Grayson?"

I took a step back and sit on my bed with my hands covering my face. This is a memory. It just crossed my fucking mind. No way. I can't believe it. Tears start falling off my eyes. Was I really cheating on Cameron with his best friend ?! How could I ever do that? Right now I was so mad at myself , I started throwing things around my bedroom - photos, pillows, clothes.. I wanted all of it gone. I started crying so hard and so loud that my mom from downstairs heard me and came to see what's going on.

"Lauren, honey.. what's going on?" She held me in her arms , while I was crying and punching the floor in my frustration. "Baby, please calm down.."

"I don't wanna be here , mom.. I don't want to be here!" I continue crying and hugging her. I was disgusted with myself. I didn't want to accept that I did what I have done to Cameron consciously. If an hour ago I was ashamed to look at Grayson and my boyfriend, now I'm terrified!

Tonight was Grayson and Ethan's party but I wasn't going. Mom could barely make me calm down from my breakdown earlier. I needed sometime for myself to think about what have I remembered. My phone rang, it was Cameron.

"What's up, baby? You ready?"

"Cam, I'm not in the mood, sorry. I'm not coming."

"What do you mean you are not coming ? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah.." no. "I just need sometime for myself. I don't want to be around people. Especially loud people. Sorry. "

"Oh, well.. okay. " he was disappointed. "I might come check on my later?"

"No. Just .. we will see each other tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay.. I love you. Bye."

"Yeah.. bye." I threw my phone on my bed. Now I have a decent explanation for the tension between me and Grayson. The thing is.. I really liked Grayson, he was fun and sweet, and goofy.. and hot. When we all hang out , he always makes me laugh. His presence was like a medication for me, I wish I felt the same way towards Cameron. I was really calm and happy with Cam, but it's not the same as with Grayson. Still, I cannot believe that I've cheated on my boyfriend with Grayson. Was this between me and Grayson only sexual desire or was there something more? An emotional connection?