A Timeless Place

Chapter 58

"And with you: The scent of forever:
For you are are all the poetry I will ever need."
~ Darielle Cresswell

Delivery of an Ultimatum Order

Sometimes, I really did question my choices in life. And all the choices that came before them that lead to this moment right here right now. These feelings were very strong as I stood on the ledge of Wes' window in nothing but a short maid outfit.

I took a deep breath to calm my nerves. My hands were sweaty as I balled them into tight fists before knocking on the window. Once. Twice. Three times.

There was silence again- the only sounds heard was the crescendo of my beating heart as the seconds went by. There was a soft stir inside and I could hear footsteps slowly approaching the window. I held my breath anxiously.

The air whooshed by, blowing my skirts around me as the window was pushed open. Wes' face appeared from the darkness of his room, his eyes groggy with sleep. Once his eyes fell on me, his face suddenly paled and he was jolted awake in shock.

"Kitty?" he squinted his eyes in disbelief.

"Don't worry, I'm not as drunk as you were when you did this," I reassured him.

"What are you doing here?" he asked in disbelief, poking his head through the window. He looked at the height below me. "How did you even get up here?"

"I learn from the best," I joked. "Now can you please let me in?"

Wes looked at me in consideration for a few seconds before he stepped aside and held out a hand for me.

I looked at the familiar curves of his hand and my heart raced. It was as though it had immediately recognised those warm familiar hands and beat in anticipation for their touch- in need for their touch. My body had not forgotten him. I took a deep breath before I accepted his hand, curving my own around his palm. As the tips of my fingers grazed his palm, the electricity immediately ignited and coursed through every part of me, setting my heart and very soul on fire. Nothing had changed.

He gently pulled me into his room and quickly let go of my hand, clearing his throat and carefully stepping away from me. The electricity disappeared as quickly as it had come, the intensity of its onset as equal as the intensity of the hollowness of its absence. My chest ached in emptiness.

Wes looked at me, waiting for an explanation- a response, anything. Instead I tried to distract my anxiety by looking around the room I was in. I had never been in Wes' room before, despite all his audacious attempts of luring me in here. It was surprisingly tidy and somewhat organised. There was a double bed against one wall with one nightstand holding a stack of books, a lit lamp and a notepad and pen. To my left wall stood a bookshelf that housed many books. They were organised into little chaotic clusters all around the shelves. Connected to it was a study desk which held organised stacks of papers, notebooks and his laptop. The best way to describe Wes' room was organised chaos. His room was a pleasant surprise. I didn't even know what I had thought I was expecting- a messy room and a mattress for a bed with pictures of hot girl models everywhere? That was the image I would have had of him months ago. But I knew better now. I knew the warm Wes behind his cocky façade. He was beautiful chaos. A wonderful contradiction of both light and dark, structure and chaos- an old soul with a fierce front.

My eyes slowly scanned the room before they made their way back to the person standing before me. Wes. His hair was dishevelled from sleep and his pyjamas wrinkled from slumber. He wore a white singlet and striped pyjamas bottoms of black and grey- matching the blackness of his eyes. At least that was the colour they appeared in the darkness of the room against the shadows of the lit lamp. He raised an eyebrow at me. The emotions in his eyes were indiscernible, as though he was carefully hiding anything that could pass off as vulnerability. The fact that he found this necessary – well, it hurt more than anything else had before.

I sighed in deeply, trying to control my nerves for what I was about to say.

"You hurt me, Wes," I could feel my hands shaking with nerves, but I had to persevere. I had to tell him everything.

He opened his mouth to interrupt but I quickly cut him off before my anxious nerves got the better of me, "Please just let me finish."

"After what happened with my mom, I closed myself off. From everything- my friends, dad, and even from myself. I was stuck in a loophole of my own personal hell. The guilt of what had happened ate me up inside and I let it. I deserved it."

I gulped. I had never been able to say these words out loud until now.

"It was my fault she had died. As much as everyone said it wasn't- I couldn't stop the guilt. Everything I did was stained by guilt. Even my dreams represent all the guilt I felt. And instead of accepting what had happened, I learned to accept that I deserved it. I didn't deserve to be happy again. But when you came along, for once, I was selfish. I wanted your love. I needed it. Just as I needed to write to my mom out of selfishness for keeping her in my life, I needed your love out of selfishness."

Wes remained quiet, but the intensity of his stormy eyes spoke a million words. And I tried to ignore them, because if I felt one ounce of the pity held in those eyes- I'd never speak again.

"But when I saw you and Renee-," my voice broke at the memory, the pain always remained fresh- even now. "It reminded me all over again that I couldn't possibly deserve happiness. How could I- the girl who killed her own mother- possibly deserve anything but a life of penance?"

Wes bit his lower lip, wanting to say something but knowing that I had to keep talking.

"But I shouldn't have thrown away our relationship as though it had meant nothing out of hurt pride. But God, I was so hurt and I hated myself so damn much for thinking I deserved more. Maybe I really am masochistic after all. Regardless, you deserved more, Wes. I should have had more trust and faith in our relationship. I should have had more faith in both you and I. But it was the first time I had felt real, pure happiness since she died. And I was scared- I didn't know what to do and I freaked out. I'm not trying to give excuses or a justification- but rather just an explanation for what I did."

I breathed in deeply once again. I could not still my shaking hands so instead, I focused on steadying my voice.

"But I'm not here to apologise. I admit that I had a part in this mess- but so did you. You should have opened up to me, as I did with you. You could have told me about Renee ages ago. Instead I found out about your past from everyone else but you. It really hurt knowing that I- your girlfriend- was the last to know that you and Renee used to date. I felt like an idiot and a fool. And I don't ever want to feel that way ever again, Wes."

Wes stood stoically. His eyes were now downcast on the ground and he didn't meet my eye.

"Anyway," I brushed down my skirt with my hands and reached into its pocket for the invitation I had brought. "This relationship will need the both of us to fight for it to work. And I want to fight for us, Wes. But I can't do it alone."

I played with the invitation in my hands awkwardly. Its design was simple- a powder blue back drop with an overlay of stripes of the deepest shade of navy. The silver centre contained black words of a formal invitation to Jordan's birthday party. 

I took in a deep breath and handed the invitation to Wes. He gave me an odd look before he took it, his hand brushing softly against mine. I cursed my heart as, undoubtedly once again, it skipped a beat. Wes took the invitation into his hands skeptically and read it.

"I just wanted to give you a warning beforehand that we'll be planning a surprise party for Jordan and I'll be there. But now, I'm going to leave you alone, Wes. Please take some time to think about everything I've said. The next move will be yours."

I looked carefully into Wes' eyes to show him that I had made up my mind. I had tried everything I could, and if that was not enough- I would let this all go. And with that, I turned to his door and softly creaked it open in the hopes that I wouldn't wake up his parents. But before I stepped a foot outside, I turned back one last time to look at Wes. I tried to smile to show him that I would be okay regardless of his decision. But I couldn't. My aching heart would not let me. And with a broken heart, I took another step and softly closed the door behind me.