America: 50☆Stars (Vol. 1)

Episode 6: Flatter than Space Junk

'Ah~ What a lovely day in the park,' Oklahoma muses in his morning jog through the park.

He stops to catch his breath. He looks up to admire the beautiful sky, letting the sun shine down on his smiling face.

But then, he slowly realizes it's still morning. He looks to the side to see the actual sun coming from the East. He looks back up at the fake sun, now bigger than before.

He squints his eyes at the strange sight. "What... the-"

Thunk!

A six-inch piece of metal hits him on the head, knocking him out cold.

Florida shows up on the scene. "Aw, shiiit! I'm not going to get sued, am I?"

He groans.

☆☆☆☆☆

"Waaaaaaahhh!" Kansas sobs into her arms as she sits on a grassy hill for some reason.

Nebraska runs on over to her upon hearing her cries. "What's wrong? Did Missouri try to hurt you again?"

Kansas sniffles. "Nebby..." She hiccups as she looks up at her.

"Yes? What is it?"

"Am I... Am I really that flat?"

"... What?"

Kansas peers down her shirt. "Is it because I'm not eating my greens? Is that why my chest hasn't been growing in the last hundred years? Is that it?" She turns to her for answers.

Nebby sighs. "Calm down-"

"Calm down?! I'm flatter than a pancake! A pancake!"

"There's nothing wrong with being- wait. A pancake?"

She nods her head. "Some mean jerks thought it would be funny comparing me to a pancake." She crosses her arms over her chest. "Do you have any idea what it's like to be compared to a pancake? Other girls my age get compared to large hills and majestic mountains. But when it comes to me, I get compared to a freakin' flapjack!" she whimpers before breaking down into tears again.

"Kansas..." Nebraska kneels down next to her. "The size of your chest shouldn't matter. What matters is what's in here." She points to Kansas's chest.

"My left boob?"

"I mean your heart," she corrects her. "You have a heart of gold, and that what counts. No need to worry about other people's opinions. Okay?"

Kansas looks down on her chest. "... I guess you're right," she mumbles.

She softly smiles. "Good." She pats her head.

~ Hetalia! ~

The front door to Nebraska's house slams open.

"Nebby! I'm not the flattest state after all!" Kansas exclaims with a giant smile on her face.

Nebraska turns her attention away from the TV to meet Kansas's eyes. "Um, congratulations?"

The Sunflower State hops up and down in excitement. "I'm only the seventh flattest state! That means six other states are flatter than me, so I don't have to feel bad about my small breasts anymore!"

"That's... wonderful. I guess..."

"By the way, you wouldn't believe who's the flattest state?"

"Who?"

Meanwhile, in Florida...

"Hell fucking no!" Florida lifts her sunglasses off her face. "I have the body of a Caribbean goddess! My Latina blood has gifted me with boobs that can make guys bleed out their noses and bow down to me! What the fuck these bitches talking about?" She throws her smartphone in the sand in disgust.

California, tanning on a beach towel, snickers, "Are you sure those aren't breast implants?"

She glares at the smug Californian. "Blossom, sushi roll."

An alligator shuffles out from underneath the beach sand in a grumbling hiss as it charges after the Californian.

Cali screams and runs for her dear life. "Bad, gator! Stay away, or I'll turn you to a piece of luggage!"

Snap! Hisssss!

"Aaaaaaahhhh!"

Florida shakes her head. "Flattest state. Bah! We'll see who's the flattest once I'm done with them!" She crosses her arms over her chest.

☆☆☆☆☆

+ On January 22, 1997, Lottie Williams was strolling through a park in Tulsa, Oklahoma when she spotted a flash of light that looked like a meteor. The six-inch piece of metal from a disintegrating rocket hit her shoulder, marking her as the first person to be hit by space junk. Fortunately, she wasn't injured by the impact.

+ In 2003, a group of geographers found the time to see whether Kansas was indeed flatter than a pancake. With 1.000 being perfectly flat, they actually measured the flatness of the state and compared it to an IHOP pancake. In conclusion of the study, the pancake was measured at 0.957 while Kansas was around 0.9997, thus confirming Kansas to be flatter than a pancake.

- After the study was published, there were a few critics who found flaws with the study. In fact, another study was conducted a decade later that measured the flatness of the states to see which state was indeed the flattest. The top ten states concluded to be the flattest were: Indiana, Nevada, Texas, Kansas, Delaware, Minnesota, Louisiana, North Dakota, Illinois, and Florida, being the flattest state.

~

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