America: 50☆Stars (Vol. 1)

Episode 49: Year of the Pig

"I'm sick of these motherfucking pigs on this motherfucking land!" Texas rants to her fellow states while pacing in front of a messy whiteboard. "They need to go! They need to die!"

Alabama scowls. "What did they do this time?"

She slams down a basket full of melons, all of which are riddled with bite marks. "I waited months for some ripe melons! Just as I was going to harvest them, those potbellied pests ruined my melon patch! They ate my honeydew! They ate my cantaloupe! They didn't even spare my watermelons!"

Oklahoma gasps, "Not the watermelons!"

"Just get melons from the store. Problem solved," Florida says nonchalantly while snacking on chips.

The Texan gives her an indignant look. "Did I ask for your opinion?"

Louisiana raises her hand to speak. "I don't mind lending a gun for the cause, but you know as well as I do those feral hogs aren't easy to get rid of. Just how many are ya looking to kill?"

She smacks a photo on the whiteboard. "The entire family. Boars, sows, and piglets... I want them melon-eating bastards dead!"

Arkansas raises a brow. "You expect us to capture and kill all thirty hogs on your property?"

She nods her head. "As much as I prefer to do things myself, y'all's assistance will spare me some time and labor."

Florida stands up from her seat and loads up a shotgun. "Well, count me in! Let's get ourselves some hog! Yeehaw!" She unloads a shot into the ceiling.

Everyone yells, "What the fuck, Florida?!"

"Whoops... My bad..." She awkwardly grins.

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Deep in the Texas woods, Alabama sets up a feeding station in a clearing. He hasn't worked up a sweat, yet he already reeks of hog. That's because he's using a hog urine spray. Yep, it's gross to scrawny yuppies. But without it, he may as well be shouting at the top of his lungs. If he's going to hunt himself a pig, he's going to do it his way. Which is the best way according to him.

After completing step one, he proceeds to step two: head up a tree stand. A couple of yards yonder, there's a sturdy oak with a small, metal platform attached to the trunk. The perch is about twenty feet above the ground. It's in sight of the feeding station, giving Alabama an advantage over the pigs who are accustomed to looking at ground level. No pig is going to suspect an enemy in the trees, much less one making a kill from many yards away.

Once Alabama climbs up the ladder to get up on the small platform, he proceeds to sit back and relax. This is called step three: wait for them to come.

"Just three easy steps to outsmart a pig." He yawns as he leans back in his chair. "It may be hours until a sounder comes along. But when they do, they won't see me coming."

~ Hours later... ~

"Zzz..." Alabama snores in his chair, deep in sleep.

A sounder of pigs takes advantage of the unguarded feeding station before moving elsewhere.

~ Zzz... ~

Decked in camouflage from cap to boot, Louisiana and Texas wait by the truck in the middle of the woods. Texas sat on the bed of the truck, watching the GPS monitor that's tracking the bay dogs. Louisiana tends to her catch dogs, Rouge and Soul, who are eager to start hunting some feral pigs.