Safe & Sound

Chapter 13

Jennifer leaves the room in a rush. I jump onto my bed and think of a plan in my head on how to get the letters. The problem is that Mom has letters somewhere. But where? Letters explaining everything. Explaining why she isn't here beside me. Explaining why I have so many unanswered questions. That almost drives me mad. Where would mom hide letters? I sit on my bed thinking for at least an hour and a half. 

I finally can't take much more of the thinking, and run out of my room. I look down. I'm hyperventilating. I do that when I'm in a mood like this. Where are those letters? Nothing in the world seems important except the letters. I need them. I need to know why Mom isn't here. Then it hits me. 

In the dream, Mom was in her car. I saw the letters in her car. 

I run outside the hospital. The cold air hits my face like a million sharp knives. I look around the parking lot. Mom's car's not there. 

I try to think of where else the letters might be. My room? The home-schooling area? The operation room? 

I jog back inside and rush upstairs to my room. I open the door and look through all the cupboards. All the shelves. All the drawers. Looking for Mom's letters. I go to my night stand and look in every shelf. Nothing. I run outside my room to the library. I look in between every book. I look under every couch. Again, nothing. I run to the one last place where they might be. 

I walk over to Doctor Hannah's office. I grab the key that she gave me 'Just for emergency's'. This is an emergency. I jam the key in the door knob, and open the door. I look around Doctor Hannah's room. It's so neat -unlike mine. Everything is labeled and has a position. I go over to her files and see all of her patients. I scan for my name.

Eleonora Whitney

Isabella Smith

John Maddison

Macbeth Choiselat

There. I grab the folder with my name in it and look through the papers. I don't read any of them. Doctor Hannah wouldn't like that. I find a small envelope. This must be it. Written in fancy cursive on the front cover is:

To, Macbeth Choiselat. From, Mom: Letter One.

I grab the letter, and run back to my room. I shut the door and jump onto my bed. I slowly open the letter. I pull out the piece of folded paper.

My dear girl. 

I will never have any idea on how hard this must be for you. You are such a strong girl, and I'm sorry that I wont be their for you. I'm sorry that I have to stay away from you. I've asked Doctor Hannah to give these letters to you when the time is right. My girl, I will be back with you, but I can't bare to see you like this any longer. It pains me to see you in pain. I know I sound like a terrible person, and I probably am. Leaving my dying daughter alone. I miss you, and I love you. But I cannot bring myself to see you without going hysterical. I want to let you know that I still love you, this is just to hard for me to see you in this position. I am truly sorry my love. 

Mom

I re-read the letter over and over. 

Mom isn't here because it's hard for her to see me like this?

Hard for her?

She has no idea how hard this is for me! How Cancer is absolute hell! I'm confined to a single room almost all day, I have a test done on me everyday, I haven't seen any of my friends for weeks, I've lost all my hair, I'm going to die at 14, and she thinks this is hard for her!

I rip the letter up into shreds and throw it across the room. I grab my pillow and scream into it. I scream until I collapse into a crying mess. I cry. And I cry. And I cry. I cry until I can't cry anymore. 

I hate Mom. I hate her. I will hate her forever. 

I sit up, and look around. Why was I cursed with this? Why did I have to be the unlucky  234,030/7,000,000,000 to be diagnosed with Lung Cancer. I've never smoked before. I've never damaged my lungs. So why did I have to be cursed with this?

 I walk over to the couch and watch TV. News. Soap Opera's. Dramas. None of them interest me. I decide to watch The Hunger Games on Netflix. I warm up some water for tea, and sit on the couch, huddled in a ball of blankets and pillows. I feel my eye's getting heavy halfway through the movie, and I fall fast asleep.

 "Just close your eyes, the sun is going down
You'll be alright, no one can hurt you now
Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound "

I wake up with a start. That song. I know that song from something. I look at the TV to see the song coming from the movie. I've heard that song from somewhere. Then it hits me. The dream! The dream with Mom, and the letters, and the fire, and that song at the end. 

I grab the remote and skip back to the beginning of the song. 

"I remember tears streaming down your face when I said I'll never let you go
When all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said don't leave me here alone
But all that's dead and gone and passed tonightJust close your eyes, the sun is going down
You'll be alright, no one can hurt you now
Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and soundDon't you dare look out your window, darling everything's on fire
The war outside our door keeps raging on
Hold onto this lullaby even when the musics gone,Just close your eyes, the sun is going down
You'll be alright, no one can hurt you now
Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and soundJust close your eyes, you'll be alright
Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound"

Is there really a place where you are 'Safe and Sound'? Is there a place where it is peaceful, and simple? 

Jennifer stumbles into my room loudly, scaring me. I can tell that she is horrified, but trying to hide it. Her voice quivers as she says quickly."Mack we have news."