Safe & Sound

Chapter 15

I am in my Safe Place. I go there a lot in surgery's. The sun is blazing down on the open grass. There's tree's surrounding the field. It's quite picturesque. I walk over to the babbling brook. The water gracefully pitter-patters down the stream into a small pond. I sit on the edge of the pond with my feel in the water. I see the small tadpoles and insects swim around. I get up to stand in the middle of the field. It's so peaceful. I lay down in the open grass. Let the sun beat down on my face. Why can't life be this simple? This is probably what being dead is like. Peaceful. No pain. Worry free. It would be so easy just to let go right now. Let all my worries fade away as I do too. I'm going to die anyway. It would save a lot of suffering to just let go right now.

I am switched into a weird parallel. I see my Safe Place on my left side. It's bright. I see the sun. It's lovely. I look to my right side. It's the operation room. It's dark. It's gloomy. It's terrible.

 What is this? 

Then I realize, I get to choose. 

Live or Die. 

I think. No one needs me in my life. I only need people. I am a liability to the people around me. I give Mom stress. I'm taking up Doctor Hannah's time. I make Jennifer help me. I'm killing her. She should be having surgery's like me, and getting help. Instead, she's helping me. I'm making Sandy's life miserable. She's constantly worried. But do they need me? If I disappear right now, I'd probably save them a lot of stress. They probably don't even care about me. If they did care about me, then why didn't Sandy and Owen say goodbye to me. If they did care about me, then why does Mom never bother to see me. I want to die now. It would be better for everyone. I need to die. 

I decide to let go. I walk towards the field. I'm just about to touch it. Then something holds me back. I don't know what it is. What ever it is though, I hate it. It was like in Mockingjay part 2, after Katniss kills President Coin, she's about to take a pill that would kill her. But someone stops her. That's what it's like for me. Something is stopping me from reaching the field. I try running towards the light, but I can't. I'm still moving, but the field is moving too. If I get a step closer to it, the field takes a step away from me. I run until my lungs give up. I collapse to the ground. I slowly get back up, and step towards the operation room. It doesn't move away. It stays there. I reach my arm out and touch the room. The glass-almost ripples as if it was the surface of a pond. I walk back slowly. 

I can't die. Not now- at least. It won't let me. Why? Why can't I die? I want to let go. I need to let go. Why wont it let me. 

I turn around and run back to the field. I run as fast as I can, and I get closer to it. I reach my arm out to touch it, but I can't. I collapse on the floor. I exhale. Why can't I reach it? I need to reach it. It won't let me. A single tear falls down my cheek. Then they don't stop. A steady stream of tears roll down my cheek. I start to scream.

"Why can't I leave!" I yell. "Let me leave!"

Nothing happens. 

"Let me die!" I scream as loud as I can. 

All of a sudden I'm in the operation room. I don't have a body, I'm kind of just in the air.

I see me. I'm lying down on the bed. A bunch of tubes are connected to my arms, my face, my stomach. I see the heart rate monitor. I've read enough books and to seen enough movies to know that the line should be in even squiggly lines. But their not. The zigzags are small. There getting smaller by the second. It's turning into a straight line. 

Now I'm back in the parallel. I'm dying. I'm able to leave peacefully. I walk over to the field and reach out to touch it. It doesn't move away. I touch the glass, and it just ripples. Like the operation room. I walk over to the operation room and try to touch the glass. I walk towards it, but it jerks away. 

It's letting me die.

I walk to the field. I'm just about to walk into the sweet peace of death, when I'm pulled back to reality.