Need Me

Touched but not touching

Jace's POV:
That night, Alec and I slept on the floor. He wanted to be touching me but he didn't want to be touched to much so I laid beside him and he was curled into my side. If I would go to touch him he would flinch away so I just kept my one arm around him.
My mom didn't wake us up to go to school again this morning.
She has to be coming into my room and seeing our positions and just not saying anything.
That's what I love about my mom. She can always tell when something is wrong and will leave you be.
We got up at 8:30am and got dressed. I wanted to take Alec out for the day to get his mind off of everything. He put on one of my plain black shirts and skinny jeans along with the letterman jacket. Everything was so big on him because he is so tiny.
I put on a grey sweatshirt and skinny jeans and we left.
We are currently in the car, listening to Troye Sivan because, yes. Alec has his head resting on my arm that is on the consul again and I feel like this is how he wants comfort.
I also realize that he has to make the initial touching move. And I am ok with that. If he wants to hold my hand then I'll let him and if he wants to cuddle I will. I care deeply for this boy.
We pull into a parking space near the park.
We don't say anything as we get out. Alec stands close beside me, our shoulders almost touching. He has his hands stuffed in the pockets of the jacket.
"Are you cold?" I ask.
"No im ok."
We continue to walk in silence until we come upon a bench.
We sit down and he scoots close to me until our thighs are touching.
He slouched back and I look at him.
Damn he's beautiful.
His dark brown hair and dark brown eyes.
His light freckles that you wouldn't notice unless you studied his face.
Even with all the bruises, he's still beautiful.
He looks at me, sensing that I was looking at him and I smile, looking away.
Suddenly I feel a cold hand playing with my fingers. I look at our hands that are on my thigh and I find his actions adorable. I look at his face and he looks so content. Happy almost.
He smiles and looks up at me and I smile back.
I just want him to be ok.
He rests his head on my shoulder and I wrap my arm around him.
"You wanna know something Alec?" I ask him.
He hums.
"You are the best thing that has ever happened to me." I admit.
He looks up at me with his eyebrows furrowed.
"I know you may not think that I like you but I do. I really do. You are so beautiful Alec and I want you to be ok and happy. I want you to be able to eat and sleep. I want you to be safe."
He closes his eyes and buried his head deeper into me.
I hold him tightly, afraid to let go.

We are walking down the street, not wanting to go home quite yet.
It getting dark so the street lights have turned on. I'm holding Alec's hand and he is humming softly.
"Hey Jace?" He suddenly asks.
"Yeah."
"What's your biggest fear?"
I look at him weirdly but he just smiles up at me.
"Hmm. Dying probably. That shit is scary. What about you?" I nudge his shoulder.
"I don't know." He looks straight.
"Cmon you have to be scared of something!"
He stays silent for awhile before he says quietly, "people."
"Your scared of people?"
"Yeah. "
And we continue to walk in silence.
"I have to go home." He suddenly says.
"What? Are you crazy! I'm not letting you go back there." I stopped ya both from moving and let go of his hand.
He looks at me and says, "I can't hide out at your place forever."
"No. I like having you here. My mom likes you too. She never stops talking about you. Please stay." I beg.
He sighs but nods slightly and continues walking.
Like hell I'll let him go back there.

~Time skip to Tomorrow at school because nothing really happens beside sleeping ~

Alec and I are sitting in math class. He sits to my right a couple of seats. He's fidgeting with his pencil and tapping his feet.
He looks pretty pale right now. Maybe he isn't feeling well.
He pulls at his hair and suddenly gets up, rushing out of the room.
The teacher calls his name and the students laugh at him.
I follow him.

Alec's POV:
I run into the nearest bathroom and pace around.
I can't quit shaking and my breathing is heavy.
"Cmon Cmon Cmon." I mumble pulling at my hair.
I take in a quick breath as tears brim my eyes.
Someone walks in so my head shoots to the door.
Jace runs to my side. "Hey what's going on are you ok?" He hurriedly asks.
"No no no don't touch me." I can barely get any words out and I continue to pace, plugging my ears.
"Ok ok your having a panic attack. Have you had one before?" He tried talking to me but I'm crying now so I just nod.
He takes a hold of my wrists and holds them tightly to his chest. "Listen to my breathing ok follow me."
He demonstrates deep breathing but I'm freaking out and trying to get out of his hold.
He just continues to talk to me.
Eventually I start to mimic his breathing. In, out. Hard raggedy breaths.
Eventually my breathing evens out and I sink to the floor. Jace never lets go of my wrists.
He rubs his thumbs on my wrists and just sits there.
"I can't- I don't want to." I whisper.
Jace just looks at me, not understanding.

Jace's POV:
Alec is staring at my chest but he doesn't look like he's here anymore. I'm freaking out right now. So , I just sit with him, light hold on his wrists, rubbing gentle circles with my thumbs. I've witnessed a few panic attacks in my lifetime so I now what they look like. But Alec's scared me real bad.
The bell rings but we don't make a move to leave so I take out my phone and call my mom, hoping she'll pick us up.

A/U
Hello loves. How is everyone doing? I updated at a decent time so that's fun haha. It's Monday so I hope everyone has a good week. I don't have much to say so...
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