A Way Back - The Maze Runner (♡Newt)

Chapter 32

Newt's pov

I'm not sure what they said
But if it's true I'll bet
It's just one more thing I'll regret
I hate my weaknesses
They made me who I am

"Yeah, it's cool, I'll be okay"
As I felt your pain wash over me
So I dry your eyes and hide my shakes
Cause I hate the look that's on your face

I was lying on my bed in the Med-room, Cally sat beside me with one earphone in. I had the other one in my ear. We were listening to music on her mp3-player like we had done a few times before. Since she had to stay in the M.R. and I couldn't walk yet. we would sometimes listen to music to kill the time. I wondered if she had more things from her world in that back she never seemed to take off. But I didn't ask. 

These things inside my head
they never make much sense.
So I wouldn't hold my breath.
I hope I die before they save my soul.

"Yeah, it's cool, I'll be okay"
As I felt your pain wash over me
So I dry your eyes and hide my shakes
Cause I hate the look that's on your face

I didn't really like all of the music that much, but Cally seemed to enjoy it. Right now, she was leaning with her head against the wall, eyes closed, her foot tapping on the beat while she was softly singing the words. She did that a lot. She seemed to know every word to the songs even though I struggled to even understand what was sang.

Don't hang up
Because I don't have anyone left here
Don't give up
Don't hang on to anything I've said

I hate my weaknesses
They made me who I am
It makes no difference
I'm insignificant

I took out my earphones. I've wanted to ask Cally something since she woke up from the Changing, I just hadn't because of everything that had happened. But now we were 'okay' again, I felt like I could ask her. "Cally?"
     She opened her eyes and looked at me, asking me what I wanted with just the look on her face. "Can I ask you something?"
     I saw a little glimmer in her eyes and a smile forming on her lips, "You just did."
     I raised an eyebrow at her, "Are you serious?"
     "What? No, I'm Cally." I sighed and shot her a glare, but she just laughed at her own joke. Then she also took out her earphone, "Yeah, okay, sorry. What do you want to know, Newton?"
     "You remember, I mean ya remember your past, right?"
     Her smile lost its happiness as she nodded, "Yeah, I do. You know that."
     "Okay, but you also went through the Changin' and when that happens, ya start to remember things." I tried to be as careful ass possible with my choice of words. "Things we forgot about. But did ya... did you know? Did you already remember what ya saw durin' the Changing?"
     Cally's smile was now entirely gone, her eyes heavy with confusion and sadness. I had seen that expression before, by other Gladers who went through the Changing and where asked about it. An expression of fear and desperation, it just seemed to be different with her, a little less intense? But I still hated to see her like that.
     I knew she was thinking about what to say. When she looked up to me again, she started talking, "Yeah, some of it I already knew."
     "Some of it? Not all of it?"
     Cally bit on her bottom lip, pulling her hand through her hair. "No... I mean... there were things I saw that I didn't exactly know.... but I'm not sure if those were also memories...."
     She trailed off, avoiding looking at me. I understood this was hard on her, but my curiosity spiked. "What do ya mean?"
     "I mean, I...." A frustrated sigh left her lips, "I don't know- I mean- I do know, I think.... It's weird. There were things I saw that were definitely memories, like when I saw my family. But there were also things that I.... that just don't add up. Things that don't make sense to me, like at all."
     She was still avoiding looking at me, her gaze focused on the window. "Like what?" I started gently, laying my hand on hers. "What did ya see that didn't make sense?"
     Cally leaned her head back against the wall and looked up at the ceiling, but did not pull her hand away from mine. "Like seeing you, as a child."
     "Me? You saw me? During the Changing?"
     "Yep," she let the p plop, "it was weird. I was around the age of eight, and I was in this small, dark room with another girl. She was younger than me, around six? Maybe five. We were there alone until my brother Ezra and you came storming into the room." She paused, her eyebrows narrowing as she searched her brain for something. "The thing was, I called you two by different names..."
     "Really? What names?" 
     She nodded. "Yeah, I called Ezra Dean and you, Spencer." 
     A short laugh escaped my lips. "Spencer? That sounds bloody ridicules. How did you even know it was me?"
      "Well, I didn't at first. But...  then... I don't really know why, but I just knew it was you." Cally turned her head, looking at me, her eyes scanning my face until they rested on mine. "Maybe..." She mumbled, reaching to tug some of my hair behind my ear. Her cold fingers brushed my skin, making my heartbeat slightly pick up and sending a shiver down my body. 
     Quickly, she shook her head, looking back down, now also pulling her hand away from me as she wrapped her arms around herself. "Anyway. You said something about WICKED knowing that you and the girl were hiding me and Ezra and that we had to leave. So, we did, we left the house, but as soon as we got on the street some soldier like people took us with them."
     I listened to what she was saying, letting the words sink in and trying not to focus on my sped up heartbeat. Could that be possible? Did that really happen? Did we know each other?
     Before I could say anything, she continued, "I don't know if it was a memory or just some weird dream I had. I mean. I'm sure that never happened to us, I think I would remember being kidnapped by the freaking army."
     "Yes, maybe. But you'd think I would remember my family or my bloody last name for all that matters."
     Cally looked at me, a trace of sympathy in her eyes and a sad smile on her lips. "Yeah... you'd think that.... it's just... I remember my life before all this. Why shouldn't I remember something like that? It just doesn't make sense to me. Unless it actually wasn't a memory and just some weird dream. It's not like anyone else could tell us if what you see during the Changing are real memories. Right? For all we know, those developers put those images in our heads. Just like that voice I heard."
     I nodded slowly, "ya've got a point, I guess...."
     It was quiet for some time, Cally had put away the earphones and the mp3 when we had started talking, and now we could only hear the sounds of the working Gladers in and around the Homestead.
     "I envy you sometimes," Cally said out of nowhere. I turned my attention back to her. She wasn't looking at me, but at her hands that were lying on her lap. "I hate remembering," she continued, "you guys don't remember your families or your friends. You don't know what you've lost, but I do."
     For a moment, she was silent, thinking of what to say next. "And I miss them. I miss my family every single day and every night. I wish I had forgotten about them just like you. That way, I wouldn't feel so... so...." she was looking for the right words, but apparently couldn't find them. "UGH! I hate this, I just want to go home."
     I took one of her hands in mine again and squeezed it softly, "it's funny you say that, ya know?" Now she looked up to me, question marks written all over her face. Her expression made the corner of my mouth curl up. "Because I envy you sometimes. I would give anythin' to remember my family."
     Cally shot me another sad smile, "Believe me, you wouldn't want your memories anymore once you've got them back. You'll just feel more miserable than you already do."
     I let out a small, cynical laugh, "Yeah, I bloody doubt that."
     Cally didn't say anything. She just let her head rest on my shoulder and entangled her fingers with mine. I had let my head rest on hers. I don't know how she did it, but she made me feel a little better.
     We just sat like that for some time. We didn't talk or listen to music, but the silence wasn't awkward at all. I lifted my head and looked at her. She had closed her eyes, and her breathing  seemed to slow down. Is she falling asleep? She looks so adorable.... Ow God... I'm bloody falling for her, aren't I? The only girl I've ever met and I'm stupid enough to be falling for her?  I shook my head, wanting to get rid of the feeling that swelled up inside my chest. It didn't matter what I felt. She was definitely still in love with that Felix guy. The way she talked about him...
     I felt her head slowly slide off my shoulder, I wanted to place it back, stop it from falling, but her eyes already shot open. "Did I just... fall asleep?" She questioned as she sat straight again.
     I laughed, "Just a littl', yes."
     Cally let out a bit of an awkward laugh and stood up from the bed. "I don't get how Clint and Jeff can be in here for so long without falling asleep. I mean, it's so boring after a few hours. I don't mean that you're boring. You're not, I like your company. It's just that when you're gone, I won't have anyone to talk to." While she talked, she walked to my foot and checked the towel back for its temperature. Of course it was warm, it had been there for about two hours. So she replaced it again, "it's not that I don't like helping out, but sitting in one room without anything to do, just waiting for Shanks to get hurt. Even though I don't really want them to get hurt, but what is the point in me being here if they don't?"
     "Don't break yar head over it, Cals. Ya'll find somethin' to do when you're in here alone. It's not like you've got to run around in a giant Maze every day." Before I realized what I said, it had already left my mouth.
     Luckily, she wasn't offended, "wanne trait? You in here and I out there? I wouldn't mind."
     Before I could react to somebody knocked on the door. "Come in!" Cally called to the Shank behind the door.
     The door opened, and Guz came walking in, the stump on the end of his arm still wrapped in a plastic bag. "I was supposed to let you check on my arm?" He said, the sentence more sounding like a question than a statement.
     Cally smiled at him and pointed to the bed closest to the drawers. "Yes, of course. Sit, I'll take a look at that."
     Guz sat down on the bed, and Cally sat down beside him. She took off the plastic and looked at the wound. After some time, she started mumbling, "it looks better than I thought it would.... it's starting to heal already."
     "Better than you thought? What did you think it would look like?" Guz asked, sounding a bit on edge.
     I could see Cally hesitate before answering, "In all honesty? I was scared it would start to... you know... start rotting..." The terror on the young boys face was now clearly visible. "BUT it didn't!" Cally tried to fix her misstep. "Soooo, that's a good thing! I mean, now we know it works!"
     Guz's eyes grew even wider, "Now you know that it works? So when you stuck my arm in the fire, you didn't know if it was going to work?"
     Cally let out an awkward chuckle before continuing, "Yeah, well... technically, I stuck a knife in the fire, so..." Guz stared at me with wide eyes, and I cleared my throat. "The alternative was hoping you wouldn't bleed out.... we don't really have a lot of options in here, you know, Guz."
     Cally wrapped a new plastic back around his stump, "Here you go, Greenbean. Take care, and if something's wrong, just swing by. We're happy to help."
     The boy nodded, "Thank you, Cally." he said before his eyes landed on me. They lingered for a few seconds until his eyes met mine, and he quickly left the room.
     "Start rotting?" I questioned once the door had closed again. "Now we know it works? The alternative was hopin' ya wouldn't bleed out? Bloody hell, Cals, you're really good at the comforting thing." I teased her.
     She glared at me, but I saw she was trying to hide a smile. "Slim it, Newton. I was telling him how it is.... I mean, what should I have told him? Oh no, nothing's wrong. Here, have some pixy dust, that hand will just grow back?"
     I chuckled. "Don't ya mean fairy dust?"
     "No, pixy dust is stronger." She corrected me as if I had just insulted her. "It can let you fly, but only if you believe. I mean, to fly, you only need faith, trust, and pixy dust."
     I didn't understand what she was saying, and apparently, she could read it from my face because she started explaining herself while rubbing her arm, "it... it's from a movie... Peter Pan.... a boy who can fly and doesn't grow older 'cause he lives in Neverland.... you know what? I'll just stop talking now."
     I couldn't help but laugh, she really is adorable.