Kiss of Death- Dave Mustaine Fanfiction

Sometimes I Feel I'm Getting Stuck

When you are so far
I'm falling part
Lose all my sonar
You jam my radar This is a blackout
Don't let it go to waste
This is a blackout
I want to detonate Sometimes I feel I'm getting stuck
Between the handshake and the fuck
You've got me on guard
I've got my head start
My head and your heart
The same in the stars - Foo Fighters

The early 2000s was definitely my decade. I had finally came to terms with myself. It's been give or take about three years since I have talked to you on a one to one level. Ever since I moved out our relationship has been strained to say the least. We were still technically married as well. I had sent documents over to your house to sign in hopes that you'll just concede and give in, but you being as hardheaded as you are swore that: 'I'm not signing that shit over my dead body.' 

You were being a douche sure, but I honestly couldn't give a shit. Stuff was going downhill for you and your band at this point. Apparently you had a falling out with Ellefson over something like writing credits and whatnot, and plus the reception after releasing Risk was less than expected to say the least. You were being a huge asshole to anyone. This made it no better. If anything it made it quite worse, plus your alcoholism was getting even more out of hand (if that was even plausible at this point).

After I had given birth to our daughter, Electra, I decided to go out and start looking for work again. I called up my agent and got an audition with another Tarantino movie. This one however was to be directed by him instead of just being written by him. I knew I had to get into shape. I was getting there mentally, but physically I had gain some weight, especially post pregnancy. I knew I had to get back to how I was. Of course I definitely wouldn't be as I used to be. After all, I just gave birth a few months ago, and I was pushing forty. I undeniably wasn't in my prime anymore. However, that didn't make me any less dedicated. I had to get back in shape. Plus, this was a Tarantino movie we were talking about. I had to expect some sort of stunts being done while on set.

This was for me. Justis was getting older, you and I weren't exactly on even speaking terms anymore, and I was finally moving on with my life. This was my chance to grow. This was the evolution of me, and I had no doubt that the movie industry couldn't help me achieve this. 

For the next six months I've been constantly working out. I started having less caloric intake and really started to exercise and work out more. Along with this I was taking care of Justis and Electra and tending to the small apartment in Olympia where we lived. And I have to say it was truly all worth it. I finally got another part in a movie and I wasn't an extra. I felt a genuine bond with my children. I wasn't as concerned and devoutly focused on you like I was before. However, most importantly I was finally healing. I felt like myself. I could openly smile now without having to fake it. And vitally I finally had my passion back. I could live again. It was like I was risen from the grave. I felt my heart and soul again, and it finally wasn't being chained and locked up by you.

All was going well. My kids were growing up finely, I had my life back, and I finally had the independence I was so desperately yearning for for at least six years.  To me I was escaping imprisonment. Almost as if I was trapped within Alcatraz or Guantanamo without any hope or chance of freedom. That was how controlled my life was with you.

I was at last content with myself, however, much to my surprise just as I dropped off Justis at school and Electra at daycare as soon as I came home to swiftly change into my costume for the set. However, much to my surprise and displease there you stood. You looked worse than usual. Don't get me wrong you still had your hair, you weren't balding yet, you were still in decent shape and everything, but yet your face on the other hand screamed nothing but misery. It looked like insomnia plagued much of your nights since bags began to build up under your eyes. Your hazel eyes themselves were rather bleak, drab, and dirty looking. Your grim face also made me note how weary and worn down you looked. It was like the hot air was just popped out from you. Your eccentric ego and 'no fucks given' attitude was replaced with this mature yet miserable look. For a second, even, I almost pitied you. But then I remembered what I was put through with you. 

I walked up to you with a distasteful tone clearly evident in my voice. "So, your here to finally sign those papers? You know you could've just had your lawyer send it to me." 

"No." You stated rather curtly.

"Then what do you want? I have to get to set." I pondered rather impatiently waiting for an answer.

You sighed and began to run your calloused fingers through your long hair. "Can't you just let this go?" You almost pleaded. "Just come back home with me please just-"

"No" I firmly cut him off. "After all this time. After all the shit I had to go through when dealing with you you now want me back? Why wasn't it like this when we were younger and you were fucking all those groupies on tour? What happened to all those cold nights I spent alone wondering where you were, yet only for me to find you in the arms of some skimpy whore? Why now? Why now that I am getting somewhere in my life again?"

"Please, Pamina. Not now. I just want you back, can't you just accept the fact that I-"

"What? 'That I love you.' Yeah, right, okay. Bullshit, Dave! That's fucking bullshit!" I yelled fuming more and more by the second. "Listen," I halfhearted stated while turning away from him and making my way back towards my apartment door. "It was nice while it lasted, but it's time for us to grow up. Just sign the papers Dave. I'm not asking for any money either. I know Ellefson is suing you over writing credits, so what I'm doing won't put a dent in your pockets. Just send it to my lawyer once your done." 

I quickly shut the door behind myself as I heard your footsteps getting farther and farther away from my residence. I then let out a deep sigh in frustration as I thought back to what used to be. Real life is so hard. I remember when our fantasy or youth was so much easier and less complex. You and I were falling a part. Our love and respect for each other have surely died. 

However, the past is done with and this is now. This was my head start. I wasn't going to let it go to waste. I just wanted to detonate. However, I must admit whenever I'm around you sometimes I feel I'm getting stuck.