Kiss of Death- Dave Mustaine Fanfiction

I'm Not Taming No Animal

Maybe he will come out of this loving me
Maybe he won't
I'm not taming no animal
Maybe he will come out of this Once it was simple, one feeling at a time
It reached this peak then transformed
This abstract complex feeling
I just don't know how to handle when
Should I throw oil on one of these wounds
But which one?
The joy peak
Humor peak
Frustration peak
Anything peak for clarity - Björk

After that night at the hospital everything was the same. All remained and nothing changed. While, your father was being buried you simultaneously buried your own emotions as well. I had a fear your older sister would be correct. Despite your sister's words you never relented with your addiction. Day after day I'd still see you either high as a kite or intoxicated and drunk out of your mind. You were on the road to destruction and it seemed like nothing, not even the death of your own father could snap you out of your habit, and neither could I.

1985 was huge for you. While, I was working on a small indie movie called Sid & Nancy you were wrapping up recording on your debut album , Killing is My Business , and Business is Good!. You simultaneously loved and hated this opportunity. To you the record company was going out cheap on you, and they were. This showed not only on the production of the album, but also on the cover art. Just a cheap $10 skull and some Heinz Ketchup for blood. Real veering I know. But I couldn't criticize what you were doing. Sure, you were still hooked, but you never let it interfere with your work ethic. You were a workaholic by nature, however this urge to work was only worsened by the fact that you wanted to demolish Metallica.

After coming home from a day of shooting I would see you hunched over our bed either writing lyrics or coming up with the instrumentals. You never relented, not even for a second. It got to the point where we never really conversed with each other. It wasn't because we were strangers. Hell, we knew each other for several years counting. However, what was there to possibly say? We knew practically nothing about what the other was doing. All we knew is that the other was working. It wasn't like when we first got here in 1979 when we packed up and moved out from La Mesa. We always talked to each other. You told me about what you wanted to achieve, your fears, and hope to make it big time, and same for me vice versa. However, now all of our conversations were just simple 'hi's' and 'bye's'. Not even a simple 'How are you?' ever left our lips.

However, you weren't the only guilty culprit. I must admit I never once decided to ask how you were doing either. I was consumed with my work as well. I just wanted to be better and better, and show my craftsmanship and talent when it came to my profession. After the shooting of one movie ended I immediately jumped on to the next movie production. I needed a distraction from you and this was my way of coping; work.

But, I must confess I wasn't a saint either.  As you and work began to wear me down I started to get addicted to pills. Since, I could finally afford to go to a doctor and not feel as much shame and humiliation  for going as I usually would I finally got a prescription; Zoloft and Xanax. I was diagnosed with suicidal depression and social anxiety. My doctor told me I was to only have at maximum two doses a day, however, stress seemed to way me down more and more throughout the day that I knew I was becoming dependent on these small blue and white pills.  After all to me these pills were the peak of joy, humor, and frustration all in one.

I would run through these constantly. I would run out of them so quickly. What should last three to four months at a minimum would only last me a month or maybe two at best. However, no one expected one thing. And to be honest I can't blame them. To everyone around me, including you, I was still just happy go lucky and motivated Pamina. I never showed any outward symptoms of being addicted to my medicine, and to be honest I don't think anyone knew I was even on any medication. To those around me it just looked like I was just popping in Tic Taks or some small mint into my mouth, not a potentially drug. That's how I wanted things to be. Addictions were seen as disabilities. You were seen as weak if you harbored any addictions to anything. Hell, that's part of the reason that I would never admit to you being hooked until a few years later. I didn't want to admit to myself that I needed external help, and you didn't want to admit to yourself that you needed help. To us external help meant failure, it meant succumbing to others around us. No matter how stupid and idiotic that sounds you know it to be true.

At this point I believed that somehow I wasn't to bothered either way. As long as we were working nothing could go wrong, right? We were victims and slaves of external malfunctions. Hard work and fame were and are still to some extent our slavers. The thought that fame equated to hard work drove us up a wall and away from each other. 

After the filming was done for the day I told everyone that I would see them tomorrow, and excused myself from the others. I stood outside of the studio lot and fished through my purse for  another dose of my pills. I though back to when life was easy. Once upon a time it was simple. Life was simple. It was only one feeling at a time, but it was never this. I don't know how to handle these complex abstract feelings. There were wounds that I could not handle, and I didn't know whether to throw oil on any of them in a desperate attempt to ease and stop the pain.

Our love reached it's peak and then transformed into this. I didn't want our love to end yet. I didn't want it to ever end. 'Maybe he'll come out of this loving me.' I thought to myself. 'Or maybe he won't.' This deeply bothered me. I would give up anything to just  be at the light at the end of the tunnel and view the peak of clarity.However, going forward I had to confront this and realize that I'm not taming no animal.

A/N: Yeah, I'm sorry I made this chapter like this. BTW are you guys listening to the music videos I   post in every chapter? Is it annoying? If so please tell me. As usual if there are any criticisms please let me know. Also I might make like a journal or something. Just like my personal thoughts and whatnot. If I made it would you read it? Anyway, cheers!