VIRIDITY • jb

thirty.

        I never slept that night. I didn't even blink once. My eyes are fixated on the wall of the cheap motel room I rented as I thought of what to do. Shouldn't I be taking in all of the Justin stuff in before doing that?

          But I didn't. I set my pride away and tried to think not for myself only.

          He brought me here in his hometown. During our tours around the small town, he mentioned that he must be crazy for bringing me in here. I asked why and he laughed, saying, “You're the first one, believe it or not. Please be the last one.”

          I'm dumb. He's smart. I took those words as an insult. I thought he was saying that he's regretting on bringing me here. I was mad at him for a while and he let it happen, even though he knows I didn't understand what he meant.

          I'm the first one. He wants me to be the last one. He wants me to be his first and last. He meant well. He wants me more than I could think of... I think.

          I want to punch myself for thinking he was just using me as his toy. I saw him cry and break into pieces in front of me, asking me to stay. Why did I think he didn't care for me? Why did I think so badly at him? Why did I leave him when I know he brought me here to make me see a huge part of what makes Justin him? I didn't even let him explain the background story. And left him like that when I know he doesn't deserve it. Why?

          Simple. I am a coward. Not just a coward, I'm afraid and stupid.

          I took this huge step with him and I decided to back off without even hearing him out? Dîck move.

          When I recall that he told me I made him act like an adult because we are adults, I laugh at the irony. I made him act like his age and I don't do it myself. Especially in a situation like this.

          A part of me still feeds my ego that's eating itself alive to diminish, telling me I have the right to think. To have a time for myself. I know I deserve to decide.

          Let me tell you what's killing my little dying pride, it's love.

          I don't know when I started, how it happened. But I realized it just now. I'm so terrified that I love him so much that I think what he have showed me that morning is he could leave me for his life here in Stratford. So I left instead before he does.

          Love is stupid. Love is naive. Love is innocently naive.

          I spent one shîtty day in that room rotting. I stared at my phone that was constantly receiving a call or a text from Justin but I decided to ignore it even though I want to answer it and crawl into his arms later on. But I didn't. I know I deserve some more time, because there's one thing that I know for sure.

          I'm coming back.

          My mind kept on remembering my conversation I never thought I'd have with Iris that night on a loop. She told me love would come when you least know it, whether you like it or not. Love will come even though you do not ask for it.

          Iris explained to me that love is doing wonders to people even if it hurt you. When I finished telling her my endless thoughts just what I've told you earlier, she said love does make people understand. And forgive.

          Do I forgive Justin? No. Why not? He didn't even do anything wrong. So what is there to forgive? Myself.

          Iris told me self love is a must.

          I don't know if going to the mall after taking a shower at Christmas Eve to buy myself some nice dress is self love, but I did try to accept I want that red dress everyone wouldn't have expected to see me in and not be afraid of how much it will cost me. It's like accepting this feelings I have for this guy with the most golden eyes I've ever seen and never be afraid of it.

          Am I making you cringe with my hopelessly in love words? Wait until I tell you this. I bought Justin a gift. A fûcking bracelet that has a motorcycle pendant on it. And there's gift number two. You'll just have to see soon. If I could make these things between Justin and I work out.

          I'm coming back tomorrow on Christmas day.

          To fix things. Accept reality. Accept him. These overwhelming feelings I have for him.

          But I'm not saying I would stay for long. I'll come back just to make closure. And give Justin what he deserves, and that's not me.

          Love isn't only about one person. It should revolve between two people.

          I'm doing this for him, not for me.

          I'm proud of my decision. But deep inside, I'm silently hoping we would try some more so we could take some more steps together.

××

excuse me i am just so proud of this chapter. short but sweet. it's okay to disagree but i know for sure that

I. DID. THAT.

lol im gonna shut up. it's time for you guys to talk and tell me what you think and predictions (pleaseee) *makes puppy eyes*

ily x