When It Comes To You |j.k

35: 酒。淚。愛。

———Aera's

"Are you really okay, sis?" Lana calls from the orphanage as I laid restlessly on my bed, in my flat right above the convenience store.

She'd seen it unfold right before her. She'd seen me drop the broom, seen the blood drain from my face, seen the tears stream down my cheeks. She'd heard the unsteadiness of my voice when I said his name out loud for the first time in years, she'd heard the lump in my throat that failed to die down, she'd heard the sobs that left my mouth when he held me.

"What was Jungkook doing here?"

I shrug, despite not having anyone to see my actions. "I'm not sure, Lana." I speak through the phone.

It's his birthday today. I didn't get to wish him happy birthday, or really tell him much of anything. He heard me cry a lot, that's for sure.

"Let's call it a day." I exhale, feeling the weight of today starting to push down on my shoulders. "We can always talk tomorrow when I go to the orphanage for work."

Lana hums before telling me goodbye and hanging up the phone. Silence returns.

It only takes me seconds, for me to fall to the bed, crying, sobbing, bawling my eyes out as my mind tortured me with the image of Jungkook's fading figure as his driver took him away from me.

I was holding him, kissing him, smelling him, taking in all of him, all of what I've missed for the past three years.

For the first time in three years, I felt at home.

In his arms, I felt like I was truly where I should be.

I've never felt such a strong feeling of belonging like that before. Never.

I shouldn't be crying. I should be celebrating, I should be on cloud nine, I should be smiling until the ends of my lips reach my ears. I should be happy.

But the tears keep flowing.

I was holding up just fine. I'd finally convinced myself that he'd moved on and that this new chapter of my life didn't have him in it.

And then he showed up.

He came and reminded me of what I was missing. He'd shown me how hollow I've been for the past years. With one single hug, he showed me that I haven't been the same without him.

And that I never will.

He reminded me of his smell, his voice, his presence, his warmth. Everything that I loved and endeared.

And now I'm finding it hard to breathe in his absence.

He shouldn't have come.

What scares me is the possibility that I won't see him again. That this was just a one-time thing. That he'd disappear from my life and leave me with even more to hurt over.

It's better to have nothing than to be trapped in a memory that's already swallowed whole by time.

I'm sinking under the sheets, caving into this black hole of dread and saudade. The pain pulls my heart out of my chest and quite literally, feels like a stab in my stomach.

I jolt when what sounds like a thousand constant knocks on my door nearly causes my heart to stop beating.

It's probably Axl. He visits often.

There's no one else in my life right now.

For the past three years, my life's revolved around Lana and Axl.

I quickly wipe my tears dry and sniff. I wipe my snot with my sleeve and stumble out of the bed. It only takes me less than five steps to get to the door. It's easy, moving around in this small flat of mine. It's nice and convenient.