When It Comes To You |j.k

73: 轉型

"Did she hurt you at all?"

I called him right after I left the tea house, just as he asked of me. I'm now in the back of the car while my bodyguard drives me home. His voice was full of anxiety and distrust for his mother. It pains me more to hear it today of all days. She's really damaged him, no matter how sorry she is.

"No," I tried to sound as happy as I could, "She said she wants to talk to you after you get back."

"Is something wrong?"

"No, she just had some things to say to you. Did you really not tell her anything about your business trip?"

The other end of the line was silent for a while until he answered reluctantly, "It didn't feel necessary. What was she going to do, visit me? I didn't guess that she would."

I rest my head against the window and watched the cars move around the road, "You wouldn't want to see her anyway if she did, right?"

"Right." Jungkook responded with a heavy exhale.

His voice was low and groggy. That's when I checked the time, and when I realized it was four in the morning for him.

"Oh my god, did you sleep at all?"

He was honest, "No, I couldn't at the thought of my mother possibly skinning you alive. I tried to, but I couldn't." But the croaky sound of his voice told me Jungkook was obviously still exhausted.

"Your mother was actually very polite. You should go to sleep now, at least you can get a little bit of rest before your day starts."

I heard the sheets shuffle from the other side, followed by another heavy sigh, "I will. What will you do today?"

"I'm heading back home to send some emails. And...I'm having dinner with Axl tonight." I hesitated to tell him the last bit, but since he asked, it's only right for me to say it. And I know that Jungkook wouldn't actually try to stop me from seeing him.

"Axl?" The energy in his voice made it sound as if he'd been electrocuted back to life.

"Yes. You're okay with that, right?"

He sounded like a misunderstood child when he replied softly, "Yes. But take care of yourself, make sure to get home safely, I don't trust him."

"He doesn't trust you either."

And Jungkook responded with a grumble. I let my chuckle erupt, "Alright, I'll take care of myself. Make sure you do too, okay? Head back to sleep, I'm hanging up."

"Okay. I love you, Aera."

My heart thawed at those words. It's different when he adds my name at the end of it. "I love you too, Jungkook. Go to bed."

"Mhm." I cut the line before I could disturb him any further and turned my attention to the road ahead.

***

"Do we have to eat with the bodyguard standing there?" Axl is not as used to my new life as I am. Back in an inclosed space of a restaurant, my bodyguard stood at the very corner. He was firm with his expression, unwavering as his eyes stayed straight ahead.

"Yes. He won't be a bother, I promise." Axl still seemed skeptical when he poked his food uneasily.

"Are we still getting the same pay check? How do you afford him?"

"I can't...Jungkook pays for all the bodyguards. I wish I could help out, but this is barely a dent in his wallet for him, so he won't let me."

His eyebrows twitched as he stuffed a spoonful of rice in his mouth.

"Are you coming back to work any time soon? Lana says she misses seeing you all the time."

I snort, "She just misses seeing me when it's convenient. That kid declined my dinner date because she has a pretty boyfriend now. Have you seen him before? 'Goes by the name Leon."

I pause to answer his question, "But...no. I don't think so. I need some time away, Jungkook and I are actually going somewhere for a while when he gets back."

Axl was understanding when he nodded without much of a reaction, "And when will you be back?"

I shrug, "In a month? Jungkook needs to figure out some things and I have to...get myself sorted out too."

We fell into a quiet silence, as if we non-verbally agreed to think about everything at the same time. All the changes that have happened over just a few months, the changes in our relationship, the changes in our lifestyles.

He was the first to break the silence, "I'm sorry I haven't been there for you, and I'm sorry to say that I didn't know how to either. I just...I couldn't really understand what it was like to have your life be flipped around over night. And when you told me about your social anxiety...that was even harder to wrap my head around."

I'm glad that he's telling me about this, in all honesty. It was lonely for me, during the month I spent locked at home. I thought that was what I wanted, and in some ways, what I needed. But it felt like a cage, and I was trapped all alone with my own thoughts.

And I know at some point, going to work was probably an escape for Jungkook too. I don't take it personally, I know he loves to be around me, but it's not the same when he also has to be around my frequent episodes, to be around to watch everything take effect in my life. I know it's not easy to handle, and I know Jungkook is too gentle to tell that to my face.

"I wanted to text you more often, or call you, but you stayed home to stay away from people, that's what I thought, at least. I didn't know if you still wanted to be in contact with anyone at all. So it was hard to be there for you, I just...didn't know how to. I'm sorry."

I shook my head at the friend who was biting his lip nervously as he waited for a reply.

"I can't expect everyone to understand. And it's nobody's fault for not understanding. I'm not even going to act like I know what to do when someone around me is going through it. Everybody experiences it differently...and none of us come with an instruction manual. We've just got to figure it out as we go." I shrugged with a small smile.

—-
A/N:(unedited)
conversations like this in real life have always been so much more difficult than i've written it to seem like. But i just wanted to take the time to point out that when someone is going through social anxiety, or any form of mental illness, it affects everyone around them(and it's not their fault. at all. this is just the unfortunate reality). And I want to say even more, that it's okay to not know the answer, or to not know how to be there.
It's the thought that counts, really. And a lot of the times, we don't need you to fix us, just believe in us, because some battles are better won by ourselves.

Again, strong mental health is not a switch of a button, it isn't a single battle, it is a collection of them that happen throughout your entire life.

it is a constant effort, it is a choice, a commitment every day when you wake up. it is exhausting and draining, but shout out to everyone out there that's giving their all, and shoutout to those that are resting to run the next mile too.

I apologize for such a short chapter, I have more in store for the upcoming ones! how have you all been? Chapter 17 for SLH is up too, and I think chapter 18 will come sooner than usual as well : )

stay safe as always, see you in the next update :)