When It Comes To You |j.k

61: 他的夜晚

—-Jungkook's
"Aera." I tried, seeing if she was awake. I got silence for a response. Carefully, I peeled my arm off of her waist and slid the other one out from under her neck. The only reaction I got was a little groan. Rolling farther away, I turned on the night lamp. Area's face was much easier to see now.

This is as relaxed as I've seen her look all day. It's all I want her to look like for forever. Free, and away from harm. I will never forget this morning, the utter shock and horror on her face when she opened the door. And the way their flashes pierced at my lover's precious eyes.
The first thing I felt was guilt. It seemed like my fault. If I hadn't punched him. If I hadn't taken her that night. If I hadn't asked her to marry me.

My hand reached to brush through her hair before I quietly made my way out of the bedroom.

***

I toss the cracked phone to the other side of the couch, leaning my elbows on my knees as I ran my hands over my face. Articles about me from years ago are being brought back out rapidly. And I recognize every single one of them. Every single one that I had to see was like one more dagger, piercing through me.

All of them pinched at a spot in me that I had hoped to never acknowledge again. Haeyoung. The lady that was once in my life. I will never forget it, the pain of blaming yourself on someone's suicide, and having the rest of the world nodding along, pointing fingers, threatening for your own life. I do wish I was more mature, that I could've at least made it easier for her to breathe.

I can still picture Haeyoung's face. I still remember her, all too well. I can still remember that solemn look on her face, and all the cold things I've said and done to her. I have endless regrets from my past. More than all the articles, more than all the comments. More than all the bottles of beer I could drink tonight.

Sitting on the couch in the dim-lit living room, I never thought there would be a day the media knocks me down. I grew up with it, I thought I was used to this. But it hurts so much more this time, because this is the first time I have to bear seeing someone I love being dragged down the same hole.

It's important that I knew what people were saying, so that I knew how to respond. But I didn't know it meant seeing resurfaced videos of my fiancée getting her head dunked in the toilet, or her uniform torn. I didn't know I had to see cuts on her precious face that couldn't smile in any of the photos or videos. My heart ached to see how she was treated in high school, and it infuriated me that this is how I found out about it. 

I always knew she was bullied in both of the high schools she'd been to. But Aera never talked about it much, or at all, and now I know why.

My blurry vision showed me three empty bottles of beer. I wonder what Aera would think if she saw how pathetic I look right now. Would she still marry this? After what happened? We aren't even married yet, and it seems like hell's already broken loose.

Mother was right. Aera isn't just marrying me, she's marrying my family, this business, and the life of being under countless cameras. That's why I asked her that question on the night I'd proposed. Why she loved me.
Does she love me enough to go through this? I don't think anybody can love anyone enough to.

Nobody should, anyway. Love should be just as selfish as it is selfless. I don't want being with me to be her downfall. Aera is capable of living for so much more, I don't want this to be in her way.

It's days like these, that make me think about what her parents would think about us if they were alive. Would they approve of me, at all? Just thinking about it makes me afraid to get near Aera sometimes. As much as I know Aera is allowed to love whoever she wishes, I cannot shut out the thought that there could be two people watching me from above, shaking their heads in disapproval.

Or maybe this worry is just a projection of my fear that I'm no good for Aera, the same way I was for Haeyoung; that what my parents, and the media had told me for years was true: the love I give is harmful.

It's strange how scars never truly fade. They look like they've faded, and maybe even gone away, but it's almost as if they've just gone deeper into you. Deep. So deep that you cannot reach it anymore. Who knows where it went? Maybe it began to flow with your blood. Maybe it began to take space in your mind. Maybe it became one with your identity, never to be removed until your last breath.

I take this fear with heavy steps into the elevator. I seemed to have fallen to the ground when a ring reminded me I was now on the second floor. I stood up with a hand pulling on the handle. Taking the walk of shame back into the bedroom, I found Aera right where I left her.

Aera had rolled onto her back now, without anyone to cuddle. Her mouth was parted with one hand stuck in her tangled hair. I'd laugh if I hadn't felt my body fall harshly against the mattress before I passed out.

—-
A/N: (unedited)here's the update I'd promised! I wanted to show Jungkook's perspective of that night, when he was drunk and most in touch with his thoughts and emotions.

we should always constantly remind ourselves that interacting with people also means learning about them! we don't know everyone a hundred percent, we should always have more space for input than output. let's understand each other first before saying things that hurt. because those things stick to the people hearing it much more than those saying it.

another reminder that i have a new book out now, that can be found on my profile. It is a Namjoon fan fiction, and just like this one, but even more so, i wish to focus on the push and pulls that two people go through while experiencing a life-changing relationship.

this ff is important to me, although I only have one chapter published so far. i will one updating on every three days for this specific book, i hope whoever's willing will also hop on this special journey with me :)