When It Comes To You |j.k

65: 橋

"Hello, Mr.Jeon. Thank you for joining me today. I'm Kim Jihoon, you can call me Dr.Kim."

It's well into the night of a busy Wednesday, and I arrived to an arranged meeting with Aera's therapist. It's been a month since the beginning of her nightmares, and severe symptoms of social anxiety. She's been working from home these days too. I heard Aera has been strong up to now though, from being quick to mention seeking help, to being cooperative with the tasks she was given by Doctor Kim. I know she's doing a lot of things that can be seen as impossible to some others.

It's built a border between us. Neither of us have been pushing each other away, but there's a distance that wasn't there before. I can't understand how she feels, and what she's going through, even if I know. My words of comfort often fall flat and sound empty, I know she accepts them just so I don't feel bad. It hurts my heart looking at her everyday, feeling like we're standing miles away. Sometimes it feels like I don't really know her anymore, as much as I hate to admit it. That's why I'm here today.

"We usually don't do this. What our patients say are normally confidential, and are not discussed with anyone, no matter the circumstances. But Aera personally requested this,"

I'm starting to see Doctor Kim too, this is the first of our future appointments. But it's not for myself.

"She wishes that you are updated and are aware of her situation, but I've been told that she finds it difficult to open up fully outside of this room. Aera hopes that I can be the one to keep you in the loop, and better the communication within this relationship."

We're supposed to talk about Aera, and our relationship. Despite this being a step to pull us back together, the fact that we need a therapist to become a communicator between us frustrates me greatly. Aera used to tell me about everything, I was used to hearing every bit of her emotions and thoughts. It hasn't been easy for me to adjust to this sudden change. I often have to remind myself that she isn't directing this behaviour towards me, and that it's harder for her than anybody else.

I'm just a bystander. Imagine how she feels.

"However, I myself wish that we work towards a future where you two can converse freely about such topics without the support of a third person."

I simply nodded. It was obvious by his soft tone that his presence would be calming for a lot of people, but I don't wish to see him too many times. Every time I see him would be a reminder of the reality. The truth that Aera and I have grown apart, our wedding's postponed to a date I cannot see, and the love of my life's pain is beyond my comprehension.

"How should we start? Do you want to talk a bit about yourself first? Or just your relationship with Aera is fine too, if you're more comfortable speaking about that."

A deeper part of me wished to talk about myself, from my childhood, to Haeyoung, and to the death of my father. I've recently noticed that you don't have to be diagnosed with a mental illness to speak to a therapist. These things haunt me just the same, even as I've managed to live about my life. They shaped many of my toxic mindsets and are deeply rooted like poison in my memory. Though I'm not the most wounded person in the world, I know I'm not perfect either.

But that should be reserved for another time. This is about Aera and our relationship.

It seemed right to talk about our history, "We met in high school, she was a transfer student. She was so gorgeous, the moment I saw her, I couldn't stop looking at her. We got close really fast, because there were a lot of experiences we connected with. I think we found each other when we were in the loneliest times of our lives."

Aera changed schools after being bullied and isolated by
past schoolmates, her parents were dead, leaving her to make money on her own. She did a lot of illegal things to get by as well, I know that could've made her feel like an outcast at times too, to be struggling alone outside of the law. Nobody could understand, that's why it was lonely.