WORDS UNSPOKEN ➸ BELLAMY BLAKE (2)

{018}

It's the next morning and everyone is packing their stuff. Octavia wants to go somewhere and of course everyone listens to her even though Clarke said that is wasn't a good idea. Right now I'm holding my backpack while I'm standing next to Miller.

I haven't spoken to him in over six years. He and I were never really that close but I still considered him my friend. Now when I look at him I feel like I don't even know him anymore. I've got that feeling with a lot of people.

''How did you guys survive all these years?'' I ask him while I look at everyone still packing things. Not even one of them looks at peace. They all know what kind of danger there is on this planet. What could happen if Diyoza comes back.

''We managed but it was hard. Octavia made this kind of game where people who committed crimes would fight against each other. Only one would remain.''
Sounds a lot like Octavia. At first I wouldn't have thought that a game like that would be her idea but when I saw her coming out of that bunker I knew that she had changed a lot.

''She changed, didn't she? What happened there that changed her so much?'' I ask Nate while I turn towards him. He looks at me and shrugs. Seems like he doesn't know. I saw that he and Octavia were kind of close or something like that. Octavia seems to trust him a lot and that's good.

''She changed yeah. She's not the same Octavia she was when the Ark sent us to earth. But neither are you, neither am I. We all have changed. Some for the worse, some for the better.''
I nod and think about how much I have changed.

I remember times that I was truly happy and didn't have to worry about anything. That was when we landed on earth and didn't know that there were other people here. From there it started. I got taken and became a commander. From that moment I changed. A lot. And sometimes I wish I could turn that back.

But I know that I can never change into the old me again. No one can do that even though we want to. I just want to be that happy girl again and not the person who needs to look over her shoulder the whole time. I don't want to be the kind of mother who has to worry about her son the whole time. I don't want all of that but I can never change that.

''Let's go!'' someone suddenly shouts. I immediately stop thinking about how much I've changed and I take a deep breath. I never really thought about it too much but now my mood has immediately changed.

Soon everyone starts to move and follows someone who is in the front. Let's begin our adventure to death. And I'm dreading it.

-----

''What were you and Miller talking about?'' Bellamy asks me after a few minutes of silence. It's night already. We decided to camp somewhere in the middle of nowhere and Bellamy, Clarke and I are sitting at a fire.

The rest is all sitting with Octavia or somewhere else. They are saying things that I don't care about right now. I would have cared about it if I hadn't stopped thinking about what Nate said today. It's been on my mind all day.

''About how much we've all changed. And about how much I want to turn back towards the old me,'' I whisper. my head is resting on Bellamy's shoulder and his head is on mine. Our fingers are intertwined and as I look at our hands I realize that this is something I don't want to change. I want to feel like this forever when I'm around him.

''I like you the way you are right now,'' Bellamy whispers back. It should have made me happy to hear that. And it does. But I can't help but think of which version of me he likes better. The old me or the me now. Because I like the old me better to be honest.

''We've all changed, you're right about that. But we had to otherwise I don't think we would have made it this far,'' Clarke says. I know that she's right. We would have died a long way ago if we hadn't changed.