whispers and mutters • blasnique

Chapter Seven

UNIQUE

The cars passing by the bar were moving fast, and so was the adrenaline rushing through my veins.

No anything could to amount to what I'm feeling right now and everything just feels like a blur - something vision could only describe yet something I could feel going on in my mind.

The mind is wide.

Wider than arenas and/or sold out concert stadiums; wider than the highest point of wide that we think.

Everything lives in your mind, even the most beautiful things and your deepest, darkest fears. What goes on in your mind is what we can never relive but could imitate; through images, flashes, or even motion pictures that we choose to pay to view.

Complex minds, don't you think they're a little bit far away from the normal standard? Society asks for more but always settles for the less. Complexity lives in the layers of your ceiling and in between the spaces of your wall, but most of the time, it chooses to live in your mind.

I look at the crowd right in front of me, sitting down, giving us no attention or whatsoever. Some are drinking coffee and some are widely smiling at their friends holding beer bottles and laughing loudly.

Their laughter was distinct like it's something I've never heard of before, their loud laughter sounded so joyful to me that I have wished to be like them just at this moment.

They sure are lucky, aren't they?

Lucky enough to have big groups of friends supporting them in whatever the fuck they wanna do with their lives, laughing and fooling around with them through their hard times and lightly taking their shortcomings.

I wish I was like them, you know? I wish I was like those people who were too happy to give a fuck; too happy to give a flying damn to anyone who had to say unneeded bullshit to them.

I always wish to be something I could never be; and that is to be happy.

"'Nik, you okay?" Zild pats my back, which made me startle in a way. "Dude?" He looks at me worriedly in the eye, "I'm okay, you don't need to worry." I chuckle, giving him a small smile right after. "Ya sure, okay? Tell me if you have problems or so, I'm always here to check on ya dude." He then walks to Badjao and grabs a bottle of beer.

I placed my hand on my chest, and I felt my heartbeat fast like I ran miles and miles. Weird. I haven't done shit yet. I just shrugged the thought of my irregular heartbeat off my shoulders and started to focus on what I really am supposed to be doing.

The night is still young yet I already can't wait to go home and sleep.

I took a gulp of Zild's beer and squinted my eyes right after. The beer's effect started to kick in the moment I closed my eyes and I felt like falling down for some fucking reason. Beer has never had such a strong effect for me ever since the first time I've tasted beer.

This night's been going unusual and weird for me as the night goes by and I can't help but notice even the small details of this night.

First, my band's gonna play its first gig. Second, I feel like my heart is palpitating. Third, beer has never had such a strong effect on me. Fourth, my eyesight is still shit even if I'm wearing glasses at this very moment right here, right now.

Unusual.

Just purely unusual and I can't do shit about it cause despite my confusion about the sudden happenings, I'm more confused about my gut feelings for this situation.

I just want to believe that if I lose myself and escape through the music we'll be playing tonight, maybe everything will eventually fall into place even with just one song and the crowd singing along, but my intuition is telling me otherwise.

My intuition is telling me something.

A wise man has once told me to always believe whatever the hell your intuition tells you cause most of the time really, your gut feelings are right.

Zild told me the show's about to start in five minutes, and my heart has never beaten this fast before. "I believe in you, dude. You're a great artist and I'm pretty sure they're all gonna stare in awe at how magical your art brings them to ecstasy."

Zild was always the good guy with words, good guy at thinking too. Good guy, good looks, good thinker, hell, he's even a great great artist too.

I wish I was like the guy. Sometimes he's just got a bit of attitude but what can we do anyway? He's got it all nonetheless. The looks, the talent, the ability to think straight. I just stare in awe at what he could do and deep down I just wish that I could do those too.

What am I anyway? I'm nothing but a worthless piece of shit with a low self esteem. I'm not good looking and I'm not even fucking talented. I have a shitty personality and everything about me is boring and bland. I remind myself of the colour beige, and that's the worst way I could ever think of someone.

As the night passes by, the show started off and I'm glad to say that nothing else happened - maybe except for the fact that I was seeing a random girl laughing at the corner smoking a cigarette alone.

She was... far from something I could even describe with words.

I approach Zild, tapping on his shoulder. "Aye dude, do you have any clue on who that girl is?" I point at the girl sitting by the table at the corner, smoking a half-lit cigarette and puffing out smoke afterwards.

"Where?" He asks in confusion, "There." I shake my pointer finger, and then he just looked at me with narrowed eyebrows, "The fuck? Where?" "THERE." He gave me the same annoying worried look once again, "Dude, are you okay?" I gave him a confused look. "Yeah. I am. Do you just.. know that girl sitting right over there?" "No one's sitting there, Unique. No one."

"No one?"

"No one."

"Are you sure, Zild? Maybe you just looked at the wrong seat or whatever because I am very certain that someone's sitting there." I speak in a confused tone, looking at him straight in the eye. "No one's sitting there! Get that in your head, dude!" He then presses his forefinger on the side of my head, then walked away with a confused look on his face. "No, Zild! What are you talking about?! Someone's obviously sitting there! Look!"

"Dude, wake the fuck up! No one's sitting there! You're hallucinating!"