Talks with the Mirror

The Chapter That Starts It Off: Love

2018

Sometimes you're sitting by yourself watching television and somehow you aren't actually watching whatever is going on, your mind is elsewhere. 

No, no. Scratch that. Your mind is actually nowhere. It is blank.

It was in that moment of "mental blankness" that I came up with the following philosophical thought:

"Love is a story that never ends."

Then, I found the thought to be too romantic and love-sick-y, and instead changed it to:

"Life is a story that never ends, no matter how many times you try to finish off the last chapter."

What in the heck is that supposed to mean? The voice in my head thought I was being absolutely dumb to try and start a book off of a moment of blankness. 

Let's just pretend that the first quote was the one that I chose to focus on, okay?

Love never ends. Once you love someone it is impossible to unlove them completely. There will always be something about them that reminds you of the version of them that you feel in love with. The one that would never have cheated on you, broken your heart, or simply fallen out of love with you. In your head, in a golden pedestal, stands the 1.0 edition of the love of your life. You know, the one you would never scream at, hate, and later on stalk on Instagram to see if they are doing better than you (side note: they are! Fuck, dude, you are stalking them, you are clearly doing way worse than them).

You are probably doing so bad that you just had to check to see if you were the only one who totally screwed up, and then you find out that they are on to someone so much better than you.

Alright, let's digress from the stabs at butt hurt ex lovers.

Love never ends!!!

You love someone, guess the-fuck-what? You are going to be weak for them for your whole damn life! And if you find yourself in the situation where all you want to do is move on, you're much better off accepting the fact that their ghost will always come back for an occasional visit whenever that song comes on. Accept their ghost and live the-fuck on!

My way of looking at it - the thing I'm trying to convey with this chapter - is that it is okay to still love your exes for way longer than the psychologists suggest you should. What I try to do to make myself sound like less of a creep, is to think of it as unconditional love that will not stop me from loving others as well. 

Does that sound like an excuse for being obsessed? Please say no. Not out loud though, you're reading a fucking book, don't want to be one of those people saying random shit in the middle of strangers. And being that this book in digital you are probably looking down at your phone while everyone else is just doing something better... or more boring. Keep reading though, I love entertaining people that I don't know. It kind of makes the criticism easier to take since it isn't your mom or dad (the ones who love everything I do - even my farts turn into prestigious fragrances).

Look, I'm not obsessed with my ex. She's was just awesome. Not was, she still is, she's not dead. But, yeah. The only reason I still hold her dear to my heart is because she lit me up. Even though we aren't together anymore, I still connect her to a lot of great memories. It's only human that I try to hold onto them - while I continue to repress all of the bad memories that, if freed, would make it unlikely for me to be mentally stable. 

That's why I say that love lives on.

It does, people! If we are having the worst time ever, and we don't feel like crying because we happen to be in the middle of a gosh darned party, we then try to go back to better times. Although it usually ends up with us crying anyways because we want to go back to times we can't actually go back to - with the whole time travel thing still being a work in progress - we can still smile at them. Smile like idiots. Smile like lunatics who can day dream at any time of day.

Love is with me when I see people fighting and want them to stop. Love is with me when I see someone asking for money and I try to help. Love is with me whenever I see someone crying and feel the need to console them. Love is what drives me to do selfless things, and I was never a selfless person before I fell in love for the first time. After that I've just carried this thing in me; this need to believe that things will get better for everyone who thinks that their lives are fucked; this passion for passion, and all things driven by it; this determination to see everything with a gleam of hope, no matter how utterly screwed it might be. Love taught me to believe in... good.

So it lives on. Don't try to kill it with meditation, drugs, alcohol, or... suicide. Let love stay with you. Let love drive you to be good. Yes, your former lover is no longer your partner in a monogamous relationship between hoomans. But your former lover, that dang loser you might hate right now, helped you unlock the power of love in your heart. 

Personally I only have one former lover, but if you are one of many, and you managed to love them all (and fuck over all of those relationships), keep loving them all forever. You'll only be richer for it.