Talks with the Mirror

20 Chapters in, still no main idea

2020

According to a Google search I cannot be too bothered to cite the source of, humans created the theme of love somewhere around the 11th and 12th centuries. It was brought up by poets who would write about "courting love". As a person born in the 20th century, I would like to know just why the fuck you would go and invent that?

The introduction already makes me sound as if I'm someone who has a bone to pick with love,  and you are damned right!

Love is exhilarating, it's fun, it's beautiful... but love is also painful and stressful and all words that would encompass my agony. Love is feeling in the clouds but also never knowing when you're gonna drop. It's allowing another human to have complete control over the rhythm of your heart.

Okay, maybe that was a bit too cheesy. But you can't argue with me that falling in love usually leaves you feeling a bit lost and taking guidance from the person to whom you are devoting your passions. What I don't understand is why someone would go ahead and create that?

Well... I can say that I don't understand it, but I know exactly why they would do such a thing.

When you fall in love with someone, it literally turns a black-and-white world into rainbow feathery with purple glory and confetti. You can walk around thinking that you are happy, and you may as well be, but being happy and in love is another level of joy. It's the difference between smiling at an old couple holding hands, and actually getting little tears in your eyes because you might one day get to be them. It's the difference between finding twenty bucks when you thought you were broke for the last week before payday and finding twenty bucks and two free burrito vouchers that are still valid. It's the difference between hearing a love song and feeling a love song. It's the difference.

The reason I would ever feel mad at someone for creating this theme/idea of love is because of the agony you feel when you lose it and the wanting you feel when you haven't found it. 

If you are a balanced person, you can ignore the absence of love in your life by occupying yourself with real life issues. Yet, if you were cursed with being born a romantic, there is just so much you can do to fill your life with love unrelated issues, until you are right back into daydreaming of that gosh darned day when you will meet someone who will mark you. 

The lucky fucks who are already in relationships tend to always share the same recipe to their single friends: stop looking for it. Well, I'm sorry honey, but I simply cannot compute "stop looking for love". It was already in me, then movies and real-life made-in-heaven couples made sure I would never stop thinking about it until I had it.

Then I felt it.

Or so I thought.

I've pretty much confirmed the theory that anything you feel while you are a teen is a grave exaggeration. We can't even blame ourselves because our brains are literally undergoing numerous changes. Therefore, a teenager who has never gone out with someone coming home and claiming to be head-over-heels in love and moving out to be with the person cannot, and should not, be taken seriously. 

"But my parents got married at 18."

Shut the fuck up. Your parents are lucky fucks, I take no interests in them. This is for the rest of us with REAL expectations, okay?

When I first "fell in love" I didn't. I feel in obsession with the idea that if I had this feeling in my life, I was complete. 

Let me tell you right now, a love that is the center of your being is not love. It's just you finding an excuse to stop the hustling in your life. You are gonna say that all you want has been achieved just because you bumped into another person? Yeah, that's not gonna work. Deep down you know it, but it's easy to avoid a truth you don't like when you're in someone's arms.

That's how I figured out I wasn't in love. I stopped being me to be a we, and they didn't. They shouldn't have to. I was so deeply unsatisfied with my self that I tried to hide my discontent with the excuse that if someone else liked me, I was good. The cheesy truthful thing is: if you don't love yourself, it's gonna be pretty hard to know when you love others.

Loving someone is knowing that you are complete on your own, but they are the cherry you didn't know you needed. They can make your day brighter, not bright. They can help you feel happier, not happy. The bases are yours to fight for. Make yourself happy, make your days bright, and let others who come into your life be an addition, not the main subject. Otherwise you lose yourself in search of something you're not prepared to feel, and then usually end up losing the person because they can't see you in you anymore.

I've said why I believe they would invent love, and even shared some wisdom of my own on how to really judge legitimacy of the feeling. Now, I'll share why I am sometimes mad at love:

Love consumes you. It takes over. It makes you feel so fucking good that you are terrified.

Love makes you believe that the world can be a better place because if you can feel all these wonderful things inside, that means there must be a light at the end of the tunnel.

What love doesn't let you know is that sometimes it can be temporary; what love always forgets to tell you is that if it leaves you are not gonna be in for an easy time! You are gonna doubt, you are gonna obsess over the why's, you are gonna curse the heavens because you were given something you didn't think you could lose. You thought love meant never losing again, so you trusted the game. Well, love will knock you on your ass.

It hurts so bad when someone you thought you would share your forever with takes off in the opposite direction. It should be enough to make a person never put themselves out there ever again, but the most annoying thing about love is that no matter how high the fall, we still get back up and go for it again. Because we know that the simple chance of love outweighs the pain in the end of it all, when you're old and watching High School Musical together for the ninth time. 

I am FURIOUS at love because I know I will NEVER stop loving love.

Some will find me corny, and I will make no effort to prove them wrong. Because, ultimately, a person who is brave enough to love is brave enough to lead a life where you feel like you are living.

You may lose it a few times before you finally find someone you are meant to be with, but you cannot stop the search just because it hurts. 

But again, make sure you are good on your own, otherwise you can't be good for anyone.