Talks with the Mirror

Fourteen Be The Chapter: what matters

2020

I just finished reading the book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson. As it goes with most books I read, I dig deep to try and find some meaning in them in order to justify the hours I spent going from page to page. This one being a self-help book, all the meanings were right there for me. No need to dig.

The first thing I learned was, I should learn to give a fuck about things that truly matter rather than spending my fucks on meaningless, trivial, fleeting things and moments. In that is included little things like pet-peeves. Why spend my time being severely triggered at some behavior that another human has no control over? That is an unnecessary employment of fucks. The second I finished the chapter I started applying that principle to my daily life and saw immediate results. It wasn't a full hundred and eighty degrees turn of events, but rather an alleviating feeling soaring through me in my daily interactions with people, and even in the solitary moments. Giving less fucks, or more exactly giving precise fucks, was the key to unveiling the fact that my life really isn't that complicated.

The next few chapters mentioned things that I had already realized in my life in a refreshing way that would make a person actually go and put them into action rather than read and nod along. Such as realizing that I am one hundred percent responsible for everything that happens to me. Of course, it would not be my fault if I got fired due to a great recession hitting Iceland, but it would be entirely up to me what I did in response to it. So, basically, we are responsible for our own reactions, and whichever ones we choose are the key to making our life better or worse.

Another remarkable point Manson made was about the fact that we aren't special. I'm not. You're not. And it's okay! Also, that things shouldn't always be dandy and happy, otherwise we get accustomed to them and soon become unhappy with our own success because we have no negative feeling to compare it to. If you make your life all about being happy all the time, you will more than likely have to be avoiding people and situations that would threaten your so-called happiness. But little do you know that the little feeling of joy you get after solving a problem is what happiness is all about. If you avoid problems, you are avoiding life. Therefore, you are not living.

Manson made a great argument for the fact that sometimes, all you need to do is do something. It will spark you into action and the next thing you know you're written almost five hundred words when you were only aiming for two hundred (me in this exact moment). Mopping around, sulking in your own lack of productivity is a deadly cycle but one that you put yourself into and you can choose to get yourself out. Instead of waiting for inspiration, you should act and see as inspiration makes its way in through the form of innovation on what you are already doing.

It was the chapter about commitment that really got my brain to just open up and shut out every little bit of bias telling me to not believe him. I already had the thought that having too many choices makes us unhappy. For example, Netflix! We scroll and scroll and usually end up spending what could have been half the time of a movie just looking for the "best choice". When we think that way in real life about jobs and relationships, it kinda makes sense. Because if you pick one job you will lose another, or that special person will go away because you picked the sexy asshole. But in something as trivial as Netflix, we should not be having existential crises because THE MOVIES WILL STILL BE THERE.

Manson also talked in detail about what makes a relationship healthy and another toxic, and most of it basically comes down to how each individual approaches their partner and the role they fill in their lives. If you are with someone because you want to anesthesiate yourself from your life by spending all your time focusing on their problems over yours, that is the ground for an unhappy and not very long-lasting relationship. The same goes for if you are dating someone so you can save them, and through that feeling of being their savior you feel like you are loved. Love and thankfulness are entirely different things. The relationships that thrive are the ones where individuals can tackle their own issues while having their partner as support. And support means someone who is honest with you about every single pretty, and ugly part of you. Someone who helps you grow rather than simply water your rotten roots. When I read that, it immediately reminded me of my latest relationship. We were going to inevitably end because I was playing hero when I didn't need to be, and it suffocated her. Acknowledging that is my first personal step towards making myself better for the next time I choose to devote myself to someone. I was not growing with her because I was so focused on making sure she knew I was there for her. I forgot my life, because in part I wanted to. Looking at it from high sky view, I can spot the little signs and every decision I made up to the moment she broke up with me on a video call. I molded myself into her likes because I didn't want to create conflict between us. It turns out: conflict helps relationships become stronger. I said yes to things I would normally say no to because I wanted to put out the picture of the girl who I thought she would want to be with. But that version was a skewered from the real me, and maybe that's what drove her away.

Manson closed off by talking about death. The topic most of us avoid more than handshakes nowadays in the coronavirus days. I, for one, am not afraid to delve into the topics. I'm not a Buddhist, yet, but it turns out that most of the beliefs I have towards death are pretty Buddhist. The chapter still managed to mention something that I haven't thought about before:

There is nothing to be afraid of.

If in the end we all turn to dust, and there always is an end for everyone, there is no reason why you shouldn't eat that fucking ice-cream. There is no reason you shouldn't quit the job you hate. There is no reason you shouldn't tell Karen how fucking annoyed everyone is at her loud chewing. Because at the end of it all, it's nothing. YOLO is a pretty outdated idea, but if you are not using it as an excuse to pump crack into your veins, it is a pretty good motto to live by. Even if we could potentially be reincarnated, we would not return as the same person. So, I only get one chance at being Catarina Martins Sousa Lima, and I am gonna be my own definition of a being and make my existence an honest one.