Talks with the Mirror

The Fourth Chapter: Friendship

2018

A while ago I realized that my friendship to my best friend had changed.

All the "best friendness" between us was gone, yet we continued to talk like people who knew each other very well.

It became about talking to someone who knows every extent of who you are, but now you no longer feel the need to run miles for them. Or more like, they no longer wanted to do that for me.

It puzzled the fuck out of my mind because I couldn't go back to the moment where it happened. What changed? Did I do something? Did I do nothing? What could it have been?

There I was, with the same amount of commitment, same amount of adoration, same amount of love... but my recipient was turned off.

Sure, I can still get a few reassuring words here and then, "you have got this, I'm sure". Yet the long paragraphs of how much I could possibly mean to them are gone.

This kind of shit sticks with you. It infiltrates its way into every new relationship. Because now I know that some people might not leave me, but their affection will carry with them a timer.

I measure my words; count my hugs; dry my tears before they are socially forced to enquire about them. I feel less.

When I was happy, sad, excited, or angry, I had someone to talk to. Someone that I wanted to talk to. And they had me there as well. Now... now they are there but not for that stuff. And even though I'm also there, I'm not the first or second or third or any number in their mind to tell.

It hurts.

And in this day and age it hurts even more because of social fucking media. People will take to it to share what's most meaningful to them. They will also use it to show those they love.

The best friend break up is a silent one. Suddenly you're just not one of the tagged names. Simply put... you're no longer what they need.

And yeah... that shit hurts more than a mother fucking toe to a table corner.

You keep talking. You exist in their life, but whatever it is that you used to mean to them is gone. How does one deal with that?

The funny answer to that would be to subtweet the fuck out of them, share those butt hurt posts on facebook, or do something that you know will make them know that you know that you are no longer their bestie on snapchat.

But the reality is that I won't do much. Actually, I won't do anything at all. I've learned that forcing people to do things or feel things for you isn't the best way to get the genuine essence of whatever it is that you want from them.

Whatever is meant to be will be. Whoever is meant for me will come. No matter where I am, what I do, how I look, I'll be okay.

And hey, our best friendness didn't work, so what? I still know you, and you know me. We are still living and breathing and hopefully happy.

I would have loved to still be the first person you think of when you need help, but I'm not, so on we go with life.

I'm here.