Talks with the Mirror

Chapter 5: Antisocial

2018

Thus far I have talked about love, narcississm, attractiveness, and friendship. All of them were discussed with rather proficient intelligence and prolific writing done by none other than yours truly.

If that was a text, I would have added the wink emoji.

Anyways!!!

Today we shall focus on another subject that presses my still teenage brain: anti-sociality. Is that even an actual word??? 

Now it is!

I am the epidemy of this, in the most complex way possible:

I don't want to be lonely, but love getting some time alone; I want to have a steady group of friends that I meet up with, but struggle to exist in a group setting; I want to have an actually relevant profile on social media, but crumble under the pressure of waiting for other people's approval.

I'm the kind of person that always goes back on plans - yeah, I'm THAT friend. No matter how energized I might be, my body always manages to try and shut itself down the second it hears any words connected with going out. It's like being a dog, but the opposite.

And I try! God, do I try! I try so hard!

I remind myself that at some point I'm going to stop playing soccer/football, meaning friends will have to come from elsewhere, and that life is more than just focusing on bettering yourself and literally anything except being social. Yet I always find myself stuck in the extremes.

I have good days, though. Then super bad days as well:

For example, at school I am super easy going and eaguer to talk to people.

But sometimes I just want to be sitting by the window by my lonesome, looking at the ships and mountains that surround me in this dark, yet safe, island.

My anti-social behavior is at its worse when I am exiting my house, and a neighbor decides to also leave their house at the same time, and I am forced to say the little polite "good morning" and keep walking. They probably think that I don't know how to say anything else in Icelandic, because never have they heard me say anything aside from that. Sometimes I actually close the door back up and wait until I hear the noise of the entrance door shutting downstairs just so that I don't have to see them.

I honestly don't have any idea how my friends stand me, yet the fact that I am the way I am explains why my friends are so few (still the best ones I could ever ask for - insert kiss emoji)!

The amount of times that I have secretly wished to be able to teleport out of social events is huge. I don't like it! I don't like how politically correct you have to be! I don't like how fake people are! I really don't like how hoomans get when they are either influenced by alcohol, or peer pressure, to be assholes! I don't like being put in situations where the odds are too far out of my control!

Call me a psychopath!

 Although control freak with social phobia is more like it.

I do realize that my phobia can be a little bit irrational. Not all people are ready to be assholes to me, and not every situation involving alcohol will eventually turn violent. But I guess there are some scars that never heal, or at least I'm not trying hard enough to help them.

In a perfect world, I would be a social butterfly, fitting right into every single place that I enter. In a magnificent, perfect world I would be the kind of person that they miss at parties. In a world of my choosing, I would actually enjoy being in the middle of a bunch of buffoons (I don't actually mean to call everyone buffoons, I just thought that the word sounded really funny).

I guess I should just go ahead and find my first cat because, the way things are looking, an animal companion will be the only one I will be able to keep around since I will be held responsible for it by law and cannot go around ignoring its texts. 

Cat: "Meoooow"

Me: *reads message on the notifications tab so it doesn't show that I read it, and proceed to ignore my cat*