Talks with the Mirror

Chapter tres: Attractiveness

2018

I was telling my mom how I think that I'm pretty boring. 

Like an unseasoned meal: bland without any flavour or magnetic attractiveness.

Her response was this: "If you are an unseasoned meal, you must be pork then! It always has flavour even without the seasoning."

Her so called "compliment" didn't help.

I think pork should be seasoned.

I think pork is better seasoned.

I don't even like pork that much unless it's the expensive cut.

I'm not a rich pork so therefore I'm the bad kind of pork.

I'm not a loin, I'm grounded pork meat.  

Shit, her compliment really didn't help.

I really shouldn't be comparing myself to a meal either, yet here I am, knee deep into it and willing to go neck height.

What does it mean to be someone who lacks magnetic attractiveness?

First I need to explain what magnetic attractiveness is like, compared to the normal attractiveness. 

There are good looking people in the world. You could sometimes find yourself attracted to one. But the second another one walks on by, you are then attracted to them instead, and so goes the cycle of wanting things you obviously will not have (considering how easily your attention is distorted from one to the other).

But then, every once in a while (usually when you least expect it), someone with magnetic attractiveness walks by. You are never the same afterward. It's like being a vegan for your entire life, without any kind of contact with meat, and then you are consumed with the scent of a freshly cut, straight out of the flames, sizzling pork loin. You want to eat it. You want to see more of it. You want it! 

Later that day, when you go to eat your normal vegan, healthy, cruelty free, meal... you remember that sizzling goddess. You wish you could have it. And forever the place where you first smelled that loin is marked.

Yeah, that's magnetic attractiveness. It never dies, no matter how many other meals you try. You know that if you run across that loin once more in your life, you won't let it pass you by again. It is forever attractive to you.

And yeah, that's the attractiveness I want to exude... but don't.

I'm the vegan meal. You have it because it's there, but you would never hesitate to abandon it for something else.

It's okay, though. I've learned to be okay with it. I'm a temporary fix so you feel better about the planet... or yourself.

Now, on to flavour: how does one identify their flavour?

Do you have scars? Tattoos? Haunting memories? Are you hairy? Are you cute? Are you willing to jump off high ledges? 

All of these are considered... what's the best word to use? Spices?

Yeah, spices give flavour, therefore these unique (or so they used to be) characteristics are your spices. They will aid on what is supposed to become your taste. 

Because I have very little of these experiences, I think that I have either no, or very simple spices on me. The most I have is a pinch of salt, and that is already pretty gracious.

If you know you've got the spices that people prefer, you have confidence!

Am I starting to make sense yet? 

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I came back to this chapter approximately I-don't-know-how-many months after (might have been over a year) and I must admit that things have changed. Although, my philosophy still stands. 

What happened these past months (or over a year- I really need to pay attention to dates more) was that I grew. Things happened to me that changed me. 

Let's just say, I did things that added some spices into me. Not knowingly, might I add. 

Guess what happen when I gained more spices?

More confidence!

Boom!

It's proven, my analogy is a success! 

What I didn't know about the process of acquiring spices was that it would reshape the way you think, not only the way others think of you. It comes from within, even if it is triggered by outside events that may have been out of your hands. One second you're a cutie with a pure heart, and the next your a hottie with some scars. 

Disclaimer: I am not now, and will never, refer to myself as a hottie, this is just an example.

Going from unseasoned minced pork meat to a proper loin was not an easy transition. There were tears, there were sad poems (which you can check out on my book - yes, I am self-advertising), and there were many sleepless nights. Somewhere in between I felt this Nirvana of "Is this really how I'm about to spend my early twenties? Doubting my own worth just because one person didn't want me? Rejecting my friends and family because I'm too busy being butthurt over ONE person in a world with BILLIONS?!" 

That's all it took, really. It was a conscious decision brought about by some unconscious trigger. 

You don't have to be the vegan meal if you don't want to. You can be it if you want to and still be delicious! You can do it all! Just gotta want to let yourself become exactly what you aspire to be. See yourself as you wish to see.

Buddha moment over, on to the next chapter.