Talks with the Mirror

Chapter that coincides my age minus one: Shyness

2021

Why the fuck am I shy? 

Have I even taken a look at myself? Yes, I have. Am I ugly? No. Am I beautiful? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Am I little? I can reach most shelves!

I don't look like a wimp, so why the hell does my brain act like I am a little ant when I am around strangers?

It's like the second my eyes come into contact with unknown people my brain sends the message to the rest of me to make myself look as small as possible. Voice volume, down. Shoulders in. Back, crooked. Why must I be like this?

There is no sign on my forehead that says "treat me like shit, please!" Therefore, I must stop acting like there is a necessity to act unworthy and lesser than anytime someone I don't know comes around. It's the most frustrating thing in the world to hear yourself acting like a complete idiot when you know damn well that your intellect is subpar. You would think that being self-aware would create an opportunity to break out of this shell I have created around myself, but it traps me in even more. Because of knowing exactly why I am shy, I get too busy trying to battle my self from within that I can't open up on the outside while I still have time to change the first impression that I am already done making on this random person.

Have you heard of the phrase "if you don't take your shot, you are one hundred percent certain of missing it"? Well, I probably wrote it wrong, but the idea is still the same. One who shies away from things is afraid to make themselves a fool, either by saying the wrong thing or sending the wrong messages. I am such a person. If I send no signals, then none of them can be wrong. But, then again. If I never send a message, I will never receive any in return. That said, if I never take any shots, I will never make it!

I have this written in a post-it inside my work locker. "If you wait for everything you want to magically happen to you, you will wait forever and still won't get shit." Do we think this has helped me to change a single bit of my behavior? Actually, yes! Only when I read it right before needing to do something slightly ball-sy at work. For example, before I asked for a serious promotion. Did I get the said promotion? Yes! Because I took the shot! Because I risked not succeeding, I took the prize in the end.

I am so tired of shying away from things that I know deep down I want to do. There's this tiny part of me that is afraid that if I let new things in, that I could get hurt or change. I have been me for twenty-two years.. I could use the change. This fenced up safe space of mine is getting to tiny for my big head. The only thing standing in front of me and extrovertedness is my brain.. and my introvertedness. 

What is wrong with partying? Roofies and creeps with roofies. I don't even drink though.

What is wrong with strangers? Secret intentions and creeps with secret intentions. I could fight most people off.

What is wrong with being direct? Getting shot down and people who can shoot you down.

All of these come from a place of fear. But one cannot live a life in fear, that isn't living, that is surviving. Life is about taking risks and having the sense to not take the risks that we know could end up with our bodies in a ditch. Life is about creating memories that will make for great story telling moments at a dinner table or around a bonfire. Life is about being willing to lose a little sleep to hear your friend's tired laughing fits and shush them from waking the people who prefer to spend their time doing something other than laughing at night. Life is about trying and failing and trying again until you discover something amazing about yourself. Life is about other people. You cannot exist on your own.

I want to include people in my life and not shy away. Just have to work out the trust kinks.