Hey Spacejerk

How To

Hey Spacejerk,

You know what's worse than you blathering non-stop about how superior you are and the brilliance of your greatest plan? What's more unbearable than being held prisoner in your base, or seeing your plans actually cause massive collateral damage in spite of your incredibly moronic concept?

No sign of you on the cams. All the news is normal news, and when it isn't, it's an idea only GIR could have come up with. Cows on strike.

What are you planning, Zim? Or, are you not planning? That's not possible, though. I know you, you always have some plan.

Look, I'm sick of this. I hope you saved the envelope because I'm going to explain this system. This part you're holding and reading is the letter. You fold it to fit in another piece of paper specially crafted to hold it, called an envelope. You seal the envelope (which means you tape or glue it closed, you don't actually raid a local zoo) and then you write on the opposite side. You put the name and address of the person you want to receive the letter in the center. In the upper left corner, you write your own name and address just in case there was a mistake and the Post Office needs to know who to give it back to. In the upper right corner you put one stamp.

Before you try to make your own, it's a special kind of stamp made by the government. You have to go to the Post Office and ask for "A book of stamps." If they ask you what kind, say "Forever Stamps." I know it probably sounds dumb to you to walk up and ask for a "Book of forever stamps" but that's just what we call it all. The Forever Stamps means that even if the price of stamps goes up, these ones will still be good to mail one letter each. Forever the same price, get it? So you buy that and then you'll have enough to mail 20 letters.

So you just take ONE of these stamps and put it in the upper right corner of the envelope. Then you can either give it to the Post Office or put it in your mailbox and lift the little red flag. That signals the Postman that you have a letter you want him to deliver.

You can find my address on the envelope this letter came in. But... just in case you ripped it to shreds and can't read anything on it anymore, I did the first envelope for you. It's enclosed in this letter, and you can write your own letter and use it.

So, yeah. Tell me your dumb plan. I've been grounded. Locked in my room for two weeks so far and I'm losing my mind. If my Dad wasn't Professor Membrane himself, I'm pretty sure this wouldn't be legal. I'm an adult for Mars' sake.

-Dib