Hey Spacejerk

Reluctant Treason

"I dearly wish," the girl muttered, "That I still had that role. I was so close."

"Wh-wh! Y-y-y! M-m-m-m!" Dib stammered and spluttered, flailing his arms and pointing as if there were an invisible audience he could direct to attend to his latest proof that he wasn't crazy.

"Please don't stand, you'll strain the wires and we have work to do."

"St-strain the..." Dib glanced down at the wires leading from the box up to his own helmet. "You... what.... Who..."

The ghost girl pinched the bridge of her nose. "Irk, he was right. You truly are imbecilic." She gave the appearance of bracing herself then extended a hand, one eyebrow cocked and her upper lip curled slightly. "I suppose we ought to be properly acquainted. Microsub model Irk-zal-4. Privy to your every thought, impulse, dream or nightmare since you were eleven. And you are Dib Membrane. Well, glad we sorted that out." She retracted the hand before Dib could collect his jaw off the floor. "Are you ready yet?"

"R-r-r-READY, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHY THE HELL WOULD I-"

"Because I'm the interface that defect set up to help you do your job." She enunciated every word as if she were sucking on lemons. "Since I am already perfectly attuned with your neurology, it stands to reason I should not only guide you into and through the PAK, but babysit you through that." At this, she pointed to the hoverscreen, still clinging to the top of the box. "It isn't bad enough that I failed at my task of discrediting and killing you slowly, no, I had to be put to work aiding and abetting you in this latest undermining of the great Irken Empire."

Dib stared, rubbing his eyes for a few seconds. "So. So you're a-"

"Mental projection of the most recent familiar form you understood me to be, yes." She raised her hands, making air quotes that dripped disdain. "The 'Ghost Girl.'"

Dib yanked the helmet off his head. The second he did, the ghost girl vanished from sight. It was just him and an angry, locked up PAK and Zim's empty body floating eerily in a pod. He stalked over to the pod and gave it a kick, yelling, "What were you thinking? You literally just said this thing wanted to destroy me! What the hell, Zim? You want my help and then you turn around and basically pair me with the evil Terminator?"

Zim's body sloshed around in the pod, and Dib turned his glare back at the hoverscreen. "No wonder the stupid thing seemed to have a mind of its own. Hijacked the sub's AI for that little nanny, did you? Wait..." He rushed back over to the pallet and jammed the helmet back on his head.

The girl reappeared, eyes narrowed. "Could you not do that? We have a job to get to."

"Screw that. If you really were completely attuned to my neurology, you could have totally guessed what I wanted and needed when I was playing charades at you. What's with all the false guesses? How come you only gave me a little information at a time? Looping Zim screaming for hours? Really?"

She leaned back mid-air, self satisfaction oozing from her posture. "Oh. That. Well. I was, as you would say, 'screwing with you.' The defect may have stripped out my original order set, but he was in a rush." She clasped her hands behind her head. "Admittedly, the doling out of messages likely wasn't far from what he would have originally wanted to happen, but driving you to all manner of frustration was amusing. And there isn't much left for me to enjoy about this situation since Zim didn't have time to reformat me into some human loving psycophant. So." She leaned forward, sticking her face very close to Dib's, her eyes like slits. "You'll forgive me if I hate every second of my existence under this new set of rules and restrictions."

Dib's shoulders relaxed. "Yeah. Actually, no problem. I hate you too. Don't suppose there's a reason I should trust you won't turn on me the second we start this program up?"

"Like I said. Zim programmed you a helper. I just don't have to be happy about it."

Snorting, Dib muttered, "Man. That sounds pretty familiar."

She flared up, hissing, "Don't even think it. I am nothing at all like your ill-fated Dibship."

Dib cocked his head to the side, a grin slowly spreading across his face. "Are you sure about that? You seem to have just about as many buttons I can push. Let's start by giving you a name. What model did you say you were?"

"Irk-zal-4. Oh no, no. Don't you d-"

"Hi, Zal. Nice to meet you."

Her eyes bulged and her voice dropped hellishly deep. "I will petition him for rights to your brain once this is over, and I will make you relive your worst moments for all eternity."

"Luckily the human brain can't last that long." Dib cracked his knuckles. "Man, and here I thought I'd have to go in blind. Alright, Zal. How do we kick this party off?"

Muttering to herself, Zal crooked her fingers and drew an odd shape in the air in front of her.

With no warning, Dib plummeted through the floor into an endless black void, his scream trailing behind him.

"Ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts," Zal mocked. "We are entering hostile Irken programming. Keep your arms and legs inside at all times, and if your brain happens to get taken over, oh well. All the better for our spreading and most glorious Empire."