What is High School?

Chapter Ten: Sophomore Year: I Am Seb

Every person in the LGBT community has a point in their life where they start to wonder who they are.

For me that started the day I was born. I always knew that I was different. Before I even knew what being gay was or even what the LGBT community was I knew that I wasn't like the other girls. The other girls all had boyfriends and they loved their long hair and their sparkle lip gloss.

I never really looked at boys that way. I saw them and was like oh that's a person. I always looked at girls a little differently though, I looked at them in a way my grandmother always said I shouldn't look at them.

There was just something about a woman that drew me in. They are a gift from God. They were a mysterious beauty not even I, even when I identified as a woman, could wrap my head around. Every time I looked at a looked at a girl my mind went crazy thinking about them.

There was also, though, a time in my life where I was extremely homophobic. So anytime someone accused me of being gay I would gasp in shock and even have a mini panic attack. "ME GAY?! NO! THAT'S A SIN!".

Then at the ripe old age of ten years old I finally was able to look myself in the mirror and say without cringing :

"I'm [enter birth name] and I am a lesbian"

I lived my life like that, until I was thirteen years old.

I would look in the mirror, with my hair did nice and my makeup on and a dress and heels and felt...out of place.

I knew soon that being a girl wasn't right. I was still pretty unaware of a lot of the things in the LGBT community, so I just pushed the feeling to the side because I never was aware of anything like gender dysphoria or things like that.

Until one day I was binge watching Youtube and I came upon a Youtuber named LaineyBot. They are a non binary bisexual adult. So not only did I have an adult in the community that I could look to, to know what I was going through wasn't just a phase. They gave a lot of LGBT positivity and had a lot of informative videos on not only non binary people but on gender identity and sexuality in general. That's when I figured out that this feeling that I had was gender dysphoria and not just some weird thing that I could ignore and hope would go away.

Then I had to discover myself.

It took months to find out, but I found I fell on the more masculine side of gender expression. So I cut my hair and started dressing like a boy, and that made me so happy.

I identified as non binary and started using the name Bo because I felt it was more masculine than [insert birth name]. I was happy this way... Or so I thought.

After my fourteenth birthday I started feel weird. Like being non binary started to not feel right anymore. I still identified as non binary, because how can I come out if I don't know what I'm coming out as.

Then at the age of fifteen, it hit me like a brick. I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I looked in the mirror and said out loud for the first time, "My name is Sebastian Kai and I am a fifteen year old FtM transgender". I smiled at myself.

I found myself. My name is Sebastian Kai and I am a fifteen year old boy.

I've lived my life this way for almost a year now, and it has been great. There will always be struggles, but with my friends who really do love me by my side I can get through anything.

If you are struggling with your sexuality and gender, trust me, you will get through it too... Just hold on, it gets better.

Link to Lainey's channel: 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAF0RSs6-MqQuXrC9eXs69A 

Word Count: 669

Above is a pretty educational video on being non binary. This was the video that educated me on being non binary and why i chose to come out as that at the time.