I am calling this chapter can't feel...because that's how I feel, if that makes sense. I can't feel anything. I have no conscious. I don't care what people think I just do whatever the hell I feel like.
If you love me...oh well. Because if I get mad..no one is safe. If you have feelings for me. I'm sorry. Because I will say things to hurt your feelings. When I say that I don't mean what I say might by chance hurt you. No I mean I will literally use every deep hearted thing you have ever told me to hurt you in the worst way that I possibly can. I mean that I will be looking to make you cry your eyes out.
Because I don't care. I don't have any feelings anymore. I at times want to break something. I always have this strange urge to just hurt people. I've wanted to feel someone's bone break underneath my bare knuckles.
I have tried to break my parents door, my freezer, rip the heads off my stuffed bears, and so much more.
I get angry and I don't care who gets hurt and how bad I hurt them.
I have no feelings whatsoever.
I can't feel anything and one day it's gonna get me hurt. I guess that's what happens when you get your heart ripped out of your chest.
I wish I could go back to the day I made that mistake. That day that I sent everything crashing down hill.
It's funny because I had been told by this person herself that she wasn't coming back. On more than one occasion, then I saw her. At orientation, she looked me in the eyes, and immediately I started having a panic attack. Why? Just why?
This person who I used to be in love with is going to be here with me again, locked in a cage with others surrounding us and the second one of us gets aggravated enough you'll be able to hear all of them screaming to fight.
The thing is I don't want another important person in my life to think I still have feelings for her. I lay on my couch staring at the ceiling, watching the same spider that has been there for weeks run in circles and think, do I? Do I still have any feelings left despite everything that we put each other through? Is she worth the heartache of a surrender and/or third chance. No. It would not be worth it because she already has people gossiping about me behind my back. Because people I haven't even talked to before knows the story of what happened between us.
I refuse to talk about her behind her back. I'm not that person anymore. Plus as the whole chapter points out, I'm emotionless. I can't feel a single thing.
I went through a feeling of wanting to just drop dead. But now, I think I'll be ok. I have multiple people that I love and who love me.
They know I changed, I just wish other people can see that I've changed.
YOU ARE READING
What is High School?
Non-FictionI wasn't going to put this online at first. But i will. Because I want everyone to hear my story and maybe even learn from it. This is a true story about what I have been through during high school. None of this is in anyway a joke. So I hope you en...
